Divorced but hoping to Reconcile

[Trixi]

(((lovinomatterwhat)))
Have you considered a DB coaching call? Jody is excellent.

I posted the rocks in the river analogy over on Esky94's thread. I first read it on MarriageBuilders- but you may want to read it so that you understand that when you first are throwing rocks in the river to create a bridge, the rocks are under water and you can't see your "work". It takes a long time for enough rocks to be able to break the surface of the water and be seen. Your changes are rocks in the river. Your wife sees what you are doing but doesn't see it as permanent-yet.

My H has made it clear he doesn't want to be married; I have tried to fight this for 3 years and have not been able to (fully) change his mind-I am giving up; an XBF from 14 years ago has decided that it looks like I am *finally* getting out of this "mess of a marriage" and says he wants to marry me when I am divorced. I used to have feelings for him, but now I do not. I have told him he needs to back off and he isn't doing it. I have stuff I need to do-I need to figure out who I am, what I want, etc. Because this xbf has made it so clear he wants a relationship with me *and won't listen to me when I say back off*, when he sends a text (no matter what it says) I feel pressured. When I see that he is online (even if he doesn't send an IM) I feel pressure and change my status to look like offline. Years ago, this xbf hurt me deeply and I don't trust him. (I am getting to the point, really!) Here it is: There might have been an ember of feelings for him if he would have simply acted as my friend and demonstrated change. Instead, he is stomping it out trying to 'make' me feel something. I feel like he is trying to shoehorn his way into my life and it makes me mad.
Someone else on the board put it this way-- when you plant a seed, you shouldn't be digging it up to see if it's sprouted. It will kill it. Leave it be so nature can take it's course.

NO more R talks. I bet your W thinks you are being 'forced' on her (pressure from you and her friend) and she wants to feel like you are a choice she can make, not something she has to do. Maybe you think you aren't pressuring her, but she can probably feel the longing from you and that taints your changes.

You CAN do this; you CAN recover. You don't need to move on from her, but you do need to move forward in your life with hope in your heart. And the 'hope' is that you will grow thru this and eventually have a partnership with a woman who really loves YOU. That can be your wife or someone else. You don't want your wife back because she felt guilted into it. That will breed resentment later.

I highly suggest having a DB appt with Jody.

Good luck- chin up- you can do this!!