Ok, Trigger over. W asked me if I wanted to go along shopping with her today! OMG, I'm sure she could see my tonsils when my mouth dropped open when she asked me to go!
Got her new phone last night and of course she forwarded some of her pictures from her old phone to her work email and I'm sure she probably saved the pictures from her trip to the football game with OM last fall.
So I guess I need to figure out how to handle the affair stuff she won't get rid of. Will she eventually figure out how harmful they are to "us"?
Things just continue to improve between us, but there's that elephant in the room behind every conversation/interaction we have. Hopefully we'll get there before I lose whatever love I have left for her.
Talk to everyone later.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
LOL Pup. Hey, we went to Victoria's Secret. That's the closest I've been to a pair of women's underwear in 14 months now! I'll take it where ever I can get it!
So, I hope I'm not getting set up, but man, yesterday was good. And your comment from a couple days ago Pup about W trying to be transparent with me, I think you may be right. Yesterday on our drive home from shopping she took out her cell phone and said to me, "do you recognize this number xxx-xxxx?" I said no. She said "I had a missed call from that number, but I don't know who it is". I think this was her way of letting me know if I checked the cell website and saw this number that she didn't know who it was. Of course, with what's gone on, she could know who it was and is trying to snow me, but it didn't seem that way.
Ok, so we go shopping. V.S. first. It about freakin killed me. But it was GOOD. W looked at a couple of Teddy's and made some comments to me on our way to the bra's. She actually asked my opinion on whether I liked a couple pair of undies she bought! HOLY CHIT. Now maybe I'm just a GF by proxy to her, but I don't think so. On our way out of the mall we were walking through Dillards and we looked at a few things. I stopped to look at the Coach Purses. I know W loves them but she's never had one before. She made a comment about her old boss buying his wife one for her birthday. So I filed that away. Sounds like a good Christmas present idea to me. So we left there and went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and spent a good deal of time there looking at stuff for the house. Then to Best Buy for a memory stick for our camera for the upcoming trip. While there she wondered over to the chest freezers and asked me if I thought we should get one since we always have a struggle fitting everything in our normal freezer. I told her I thought it was a good idea and when we got back from vacation we could look at getting one.
When we got back to the car to head home I looked at the car tire (her car) and saw where the tread was in bad shape and told her she was not allowed to drive her car until I could get new tires put on. She commented that she looks at the tires periodically because we've had 6 flat tires in about an 8 month period, so she's always checking to make sure she doesn't have a flat, but that she never noticed the tire being in bad shape. Score one for the "Man" of the house. I think she really appreciated it. The whole time we were shopping she was just different than she's been. Laughing, joking, talking like couples talk. On the drive home we talked about my division of the company reorganizing and how there was still a position that has not been filled and how cool of a job I thought it would be and how it would be right up my alley. Kind of my way of preparing her for the possibility of my transfer. I'm going to the home office on Tuesday and will talk to my boss and the manager of the department for the job I want. And I know this manager quite well and he likes me. We've worked on a couple projects in the past and had a pretty respectful relationship. My W used to work in the same department as his W, so I'd say I have at least a 50/50 chance of getting the job. But we'll see.
We got home and sat down to watch our beloved Buckeyes and talked and talked and talked. I asked her about this one guy at her work that is waiting to hear whether his transfer is going to come through or not. He's in line for a job in Ft. Lauderdale for our company. He has a retirement home there and wants to transfer for this job so he can finish out his last few years of work there. Perfect for him. He and his wife move to their retirement home on the company dime. W makes a comment that we should go see him and his wife sometime while we're in Florida. I tell her that's a good idea. We watch OSU win ugly (hey, a win's a win), talking and talking the whole time.
At one point, S16 comes downstairs and he and W start playing around and he makes some good natured comment to her and she playfully slaps him on the leg and it pissed him off. He went upstairs and W tells me about their experience of earlier this week where W smacked him on the way to school. She tells me the whole story. I just sat there listening like I didn't know the story. She tells me when she got to work that she told the EGF that she's never hit him like that and how bad she felt about it. I said "Did you tell S16 you were sorry"? She told me she did. I said, "I can tell he was really affected by that. I knew something had gone on by his attitude this week. It seems like he was really hurt by that. Do you think it would be a good idea for you to apologize to him again"? W replied "yes". I said ok.
I thought I played that well. I didn't betray S16's trust, but got it out there to W that S16 WAS hurt by it and if she recognized it she should patch it up with him.
Later in the evening W asks what I want to watch. I know there's a number of football games on, including her OM's team, LSU, so I say to her, "I don't care, you pick". I wanted to see which game she would want to watch, kind of a test. She says "let's watch Penn State/Wisconsin". I tell her ok. We watch that for a bit and it's a blowout so she flips to Okla State/Missouri. We watch that game which was pretty entertaining and at one point they showed an update of the LSU/Florida game and I made the comment "I NEVER thought I'd be rooting for Florida, but I am" and didn't say anything else. She looked down at the floor and then got up and went outside to smoke. When she came back in I told her about having lunch with one of my peers at the refinery she works at and how he is from Louisiana and he was telling me that in the past the LSU fans have blocked the opposing teams bus at the stadium and have rocked the bus back and forth. I told W "That's just bullchit. What kind of fans are they to do something like that"? She just replied "I know".
Ok, so maybe I shouldn't have said that stuff, but F it. OM I'm sure would think that is cool to do to an opposing team. That's the way he is. So I wanted W to get another little truth dart about the POS. I know some of you may say I shouldn't even mention anything close to OM in conversations with W, but I feel like these things need to be thrown in there periodically. If W thinks that's love, she needs to hear what a POS he was and the contrasts between us. I'm a good guy and the sooner she recognizes the A for what it was, the better chance we have, I think.
Ok, that was our day. What does everyone think? Am I getting my hopes up too high again?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Things sound really good. I just think that you have to be careful of the "brother" or "roomate" thing. At one point in my sitch, when things were going seemingly good, I got those thrown at me because we weren't "touching" or something to that effect. Hopefully she is realizing what she has and is just slow.
Your like me and "read" everything that our wives say or do. Reactions and facial expressions and little tests. Kinda funny.
Sounds to me like the affair is over and she even knows what a POS he is. She may even regret it, but that doesn't mean that she will forget how it felt. Not her guilt, but how he made her feel about herself.
That will always be there, I think. All you can do is keep showing yourself to be a prize.
And at that, you do a great job. Your a hell of a fighter. Keep it up.
I wonder if its time to go out to a bar, like you did during vacation. Get yourselves a little lubed, have a great time, get close to her. Maybe some dancing. Then try some kind of a move.
What do you think?
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
I think everything sounds VERY positive, and I give you a personal "A" for how you handled the day.
For the first time, I can see her trying. She may be trying in HER way, and not yours, and you'll have to decided which things are dealbreakers and which are just differences in style, but I do think she's making genuine efforts.
Most importantly, I can see her being respectful to you.
I often look for my wife to SAY "I'm sorry." And she has a few times in our marriage, including about her affair. But most of the time, she either won't say it at all (she's so stubborn!), or she will, but she "says" it by reaching out to me and being nice and/or respectful in other ways.
Not sure what your finances are like, but you may want to get her that Coach purse early, and not wait for Christmas. Just a thought. What are her LL(s) again? How high is "Gift Giving" on her list?
H4H, We're leaving for a week at Disney next Saturday. Just us and another couple. We're meeting the other couple there but won't be with them for a few days when we first get there. So it's all good. A few days, just W and I and then 4 more days with REAL FRIENDS of ours. Friends of our marriage. One set of friends W is upset knows about her affair although W is the one that told the W of the couple about her affair, ironically last year at this time while we were at Disney with them. At that time the W of the couple told my W what she was doing was wrong, she didn't really know the POS, he'd probably done it before and in a marriage if you're not happy, you try to work it out and try to work it out and then if it doesn't work, you divorce and THEN start dating. My W walked away from her and their friendship has been strained since. So for my W to be excited about going and spending time, just us and then with our friends is a good sign. We're already planning at least two trips to the dueling piano's bar where we "almost" connected in August, so it'll be interesting to see if we get there this time. But unlike last trip, I'm keeping my expectations low. If it happens, great, but if it doesn't, it's just another step in the rollercoaster process.
Puppy, What are W's LL's? I haven't read the book but from what I gather from what others have posted here, her main LL is the one where everyone tells her she's beautiful and important. The second one, and it's a close second, is the one where she gets to spend all the money she wants and people buy her nice stuff. So what's that? Words of affirmation and receiving gifts? So I just might take your suggestion and get the purse before Christmas. Would before our trip be too soon? One other thing I'm going to do is have flowers delivered to our room so when we get there the flowers are already in the room. On the card I'm going to say "Looking forward to a fun week. Welcome Home". The Welcome Home thing is related to our owning Timeshares at Disney. When you check in and at other times during the week the Cast Members at Disney will say "welcome home" to us. Being Disney Vacation Club members (that's what they call their timeshare members) it's identified on your Disney ID card so everytime you give it to a cast member they know and it is really cool when they tell you "welcome home". Maybe I'm wrong, but I think it might be time to do a little pursuing. No R talks and I'm not going to say ILY or push for intimacy, but I think she would respond to some "pursuit". Any comments on that given her LL's? I'm also going to start slipping in comments on how she looks, which is GREAT by the way.
Today has picked up right where yesterday left off. W was browsing the Disney discussion boards, the tropical weather forecasts (after our Aug trip we're kind of paranoid) and the entertainment schedule for the time we're at Disney and I asked her some questions and she was just going to look for that info and playfully "yelled" at me to "hang on, I'm going as fast as I can" and we both laughed quite a bit at that.
We then went grocery shopping together. I've found that going grocery shopping together seems to be a bonding experience. I used to do all the grocery shopping and I never realized it, but I think it bothered her. About 6 years ago I had a job where I worked 12 hour shifts, rotating days and nights so I just started doing the grocery shopping as well as the household chores because I was off work a few days during the work week and I just did them so she wouldn't have to. But I realize now that it really bothered her. It's like she didn't have ANYTHING to do to contribute to the household. I also think she probably felt like I didn't think she could do those things or she did them wrong so it bothered her. So for the last 4 months or so we've been grocery shopping together. We take our time, plan meals, laugh, there's some touching and she walks very close to me. Not holding my arm or anything, but she's WITH me. And it feels good. I've also cut way back on doing household chores. Now don't kill me women out there. I still do my share around the house, but the days of me doing 90% of it are over. And I think it makes her feel important. Like she's contributing.
When we finished putting the groceries away, I went out and mowed and trimmed the lawn. I came in and she's looking at the Disney discussion boards again, telling me about threads she's read etc. She's doing laundry, getting S16 set to go to a concert tonight. Yeah, parents of the year here. He won't get home til probably midnight on a school night, but WTF? You're only young once.
Talk to everyone later.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Thanks guys. No, he has school today and he didn't get home until 3 am. Oh boy, won't he be fun tonight?
S20 TM'd W and myself last night and said he and his GF of over 3 years broke up. He's pretty torn up. I told him I knew EXACTLY what he was going through and if there was anything I could do to help, let me know. But it's hard. He's away at school and there's not a lot I can do other than to be available if he wants to talk. I'm guessing by his comments last night that the GF found a new guy, but that's just a guess. Better to happen now than if they would have become really serious, but it still hurts. I really am surprised it hasn't happened before now. They started dating in H.S. and have lasted through over 2 years of college at different schools, but again, doesn't make it any easier for him.
W and I had another good day/evening yesterday. And I spent quite a bit of time thinking of the events of the last couple weeks. For someone who can't make a commitment to our marriage she sure seems to be thinking of stuff about "us" out at least a number of years. Stuff for the house, visiting friends "sometime" we're in Florida, planning a Christmas open house, talking about wanting to do stuff together. The list just keeps on going.
So I'm going to continue what I'm doing. Being the confident person that KNOWS we're going to make it as long as I continue with the changes I've made and give her enough time to process this crap. And if the new job comes around, then she'll get the push she needs to really decide and then I'm a winner either way.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
