Sir.... thanks....but I don't lean on my kids....really I don't...what you read is only few and far between....I am usually happy around my kids....I want them to be kids....my daughter is hurting also....I just dont want her to think she is alone....we both miss the family thing...we both miss H....but we do do things to laugh and be happy....this time it all came up because of the paper she wrote....it was amazing and she is very smart....and YES...I have learned so much from her....but really I try not to lean on her...I want her to be a kid.....and she knows it....but I know I have to stand up....dust myself off and get on with the day...and trust me I do it every day...but I think I"m getting better...
At least I can go a whole day sometimes without crying at all...now that's an accomplishment for me....a year ago I wouldn't have been able to say that....
you're right....one day at a time....slow...patience (hate that word but I'm getting better)...and time...I'm always hoping and praying that some miracle will come our way....whatever that may be...
Take care and thanks for stopping by....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Good! Glad you don't lean on your kids. they need to be kids. They will have plenty of time to be adults.. later!
What if you set a goal: no weeping for a week. Could you do that? could you set that goal? Seriously.
What would it take? What sets you off now? being alone? Evenings? mornings? Paying the bills? figure it out. What sets you off now?
Ad then, when you figure it out - what if you took steps to avoid that? if you get lonely and weepy in the evening, what if you called a friend, every evening, and just talked about anything or nothing. What if?
or if it is mornings when you cry, what if you did something totally different? Went for a run? Went to the grocery store, coffee shop, etc etc. or if it is paying the bills by yourself, what if you went to the library to do it, or a coffee shop, some public place, and you knew you didn't want to fall apart there. You'd pay the bills and be done with it and no breakdown.
What if you did this for a week - you took explicit steps to avoid the loneliness or the pain of bill paying or whatever it is - what if you did this for a week and didn't cry the entire time? What if when you found yourself getting upset about what your husband was doing you said to yourself, Treese, you're a good person. You have a good heart, and you have beautful kids who love you. You are compassionate and loving and sexy and smart. And that guy is making a mistake, and he will regret it. Could you say that to yourself?
What if you printed that statement out and taped it to your bathroom mirror, so that you saw it every time you washed your hands, every morning, every evening when you brushed your teeth? what if you pasted it to the rearview mirror in your car, so every time you drove, you remembered how cool you are. What if you included a copy in your purse so every time you went looking for money, you remembered you are righteous and beautiful. What if you did that?
what if you made it an entire week? If you made it a week without crying, I'll bet you could then imagine going a month. You could imagine it. Then you could work towards it. And then you'll do it. Still telling yourself how much you rock.
Then after you make a month, you could imagine 2 months. Then 3 months in a row. Then you could imagine 6 months, and once you don't weep for 6 months over his actions, you could imagine a year.
And then you will be there. you will still be sad, you will still have that little spot of sad wonder - what happened to us? - but you will be busy living. You will have your sleeves rolled up, you will be confident that you rock, that you are loved, that you are important. And you will have a beautiful life.
I'm going to tape it to my mirror in the bathroom, to yes, remind myself that I am worth something....that he is the one who will lose in the end....not me....Yes...I love him but I want to be loved also.....so thank you....I"m on it....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Ya ever hear that saying "self defeating thoughts"? I think the converse is also possible - you know, the power of positive thinking.
We as left-behind spouses, tend to get really down and somehow we lose the power of positive thinking. We descend into negative thinking and we don't even know it.
So we have to take explicit steps - some might say steps that are a little wacky - to get back on the right course. Some do it with anti-depressant drugs. Some with group or individual counseling. But would it hurt if you became your own best counselor?
This is working for me. I'm not big on the drugs. But I can think positively, and it helps.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Hi Everyone....been away from here for a few days....needed to breathe I guess and been extremely busy with the kids...
D16 is recovering well from surgery...almost good as new...she made national honor society at school so we have inductions tomorrow...I'm very proud of her...
S10 has been going to bed at 6. Yikes!! Thought maybe it was a growth spurt but woke with a nasty cough...grrrrr..
H is still H....happy and having "fun" with OW....they seem to be "in love"...although I don't think he even knows what that is...but who am I to say...right?...
Had to come vent a little....My 24th wedding anniversary is coming up on the 20th...what do I do? Do i get him a card? pretend like it's not happening? What? It is also OW birthday...imagine that....makes me sick....still haven't heard about the results of the paternity tests...either they aren't back yet or he's not telling me...I tried to go online to find out but couldn't find anything...just more depressing information...my stomach is in knots....
Last night I worked the football game at school and H kept son...when I left the game I was hungry, didn't want to go alone so I texted H to see where he and S11 were...they were walking around a store at 9:30 at night...so I asked if they would like to go grab something to eat with me and I expected H to say no thanks but he said, "sure"...met them and we ate say a friend of mine..h hugged her...we saw more people of kids that go to the school I work for...H knew one of the dads from a long time ago...when we left I said I was going to a football game the next morning with a friend and leaving early because it was 2 hours away....H said he would bring son back home and stay here with him and D16....
I left at 8 a.m.....and we were driving when I get this text...from H...telling me he was at the house....I just said Ok...and my friend and I were almost there....he texted back and said, "tell her I said hi"....I was shocked, so was she....but I just said that was weird....
We got there and watched the game and headed home and H texted me to ask me if it was okay that son go with a friend somewhere and I said yes....I figured when I got home he would be gone...NOPE.....we pulled in the driveway and he was in his car..getting ready to leave....got out of his car and Hugged my friend...we have been friends since 1st grade...he knows she knows everything that's going on....then looked at her gas cap and it was broke...so HE FIXED IT! WHAT? then I hugged my friend and she left....H said he had some work to do and had to leave but that he would pick us all up at 5:30 tomorrow for the induction...
When he left...yep....I cried...why?....cause it kills me to watch him hug my friends and he can't hug me....it hurts....and I don't understand it....cant I tell him it hurts or is that being clingy....
I have no expectations really I don't but I really miss him...
Thanks for listening....
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
I know it is going to be difficult to get thru this anniversary but try and think of it as just another day. That is the only way you will get thru this and maybe do something nice with the kids or a friend.
As for sending him a card--I had always sent my h a card but not one that was all romantic, just simple.
You do what you feel is in your heart.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Treese, I know what you mean about seeing him hug friends but not you. I'm in the same sitch, and it's not fun. We still live together, and even sleep in the same bed, but he hasn't so much as brushed against me in passing in about two months (except by accident). Don't tell him it hurts. He would probably just think "Not my problem."
I wouldn't give him a card for the anniversary, but that's just me--I am mirroring my H's actions in that regard, and the last time I got anything from him was last Christmas. No recognition of Valentine's Day (he sent flowers to OW and spent the weekend with her instead, and told me he "didn't feel it would be appropriate" for us to do anything about V-Day), or our anniversary in May, or my birthday in July (although he did verbally wish me a happy birthday).
Anyway, I myself wouldn't acknowledge the anniversary unless he does, but your sitch might call for a different approach. Maybe someone else will have more tailored advice.
Any news on the genetic tests?
Hang in there!
Blessings and peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Hi Treese, I wouldn't send a card either. It wouldn't be well received and would appear as pursueing and your H would probably see it as poor old Treese still clinging to the past. Let him wonder IF your actually thinking of him on that day. Its hard but not impossible. I hope you have planned to keep busy on that day to give your mind less chance to wander. Do something nice for you, acknowledge it in your heart as the day you embarked upon the path that gave you your beautiful children and celebrate them. Deal with the now and what is, no one knows what lies ahead. You can do this, deep down you have the strength. Dig deep and do not let this man rob you of anymore joy and happiness that will come your way if you are open to it. ((((()))))
NO news on the genetic tests or else he is just not telling me...I'm sure he is having the results mailed somewhere else...I hope he tells me when he gets them because I have a right to know and he knows it's bothering me waiting....
As for the card I guess I will have to decide...I'm not sure what to do...My H also said we aren't celebrating things like that anymore...ie...my birthday, vday, anniversary...anything that has to do with he and I...I am trying to figure out something to do that day.I really don't want to stay home and think about it....probably will take my kids out to dinner...that sounds like a good idea...H will be with OW because it's her birthday...same day....aaaggghhhh......
My friend even felt bad when she hugged H....she dislikes him so much....mainly because he has NEVER shown any remorse over this whole situation....he doesnt feel bad about it at all...well...he appears to not feel bad....
Plain and simple....I want him home...here with me and the kids...and to work through whatever it is we need to work through...I'm not perfect either....we both need adjustments...just I'm the only one willing to work on them...
I'm learning time and patience....but it's growing thin....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Yikes!! Thought maybe it was a growth spurt but woke with a nasty cough...grrrrr..
then I hugged my friend and she left....H said he had some work to do and had to leave but that he would pick us all up at 5:30 tomorrow for the induction...