Okay, so here's how this exercise works. You said your real fear is of losing your H forever. Now go deeper. What aspects of that possibility are you afraid of? Fear of...lack of companionship? lack of sex? lack of someone to share the work on the farm? lack of someone to help you raise children? lack of self-esteem? Lack of money?
All of the above on the surface. But deep in my heart...I do not want to go through the rest of my days without my H. Good, bad, or otherwise he is trully my best friend and I do not want to not be with him...
After all this time Dawn I still cannot wrap my heart and mind around the fact that we are not to be together for the rest of our lives. It just doesn't fit. It doesn't feel right. I told H the other day if it was right, we would be D by now. If it was right, it wouldn't be so hard...
In my gut I really feel that God didn't put me on this earth to be alone. I hate it. None of this life of being single "works" for me. I feel like I am living someone elses life. It just doesn't fit me. That is why I think I am having such a hard time coping and dealing with all this.
I promised my H forever and d*mbit I meant it. Nothing he can do or say is ever going to change that. Some will call me stubborn, some will say I'm stupid, but I want to share my life with this man and I want to share his with him. That's the bottom line here. Period. Do I want him the way he is today? No. But I trully believe that the man I love is still there somewhere. Stuck in a mess that he has no clue how to get out of.
Thanks for the post Dawn, a lot of good advice and gives me alot to think about. I will print this off and take some more time to read it.
Thank you, TOH
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I went back and read my last post and it sounds pretty pathetic...
I am not saying I want to be with my H because I cannot live without him...In no way. I am a smart, strong woman. I work hard. I know with everything in me that if we end up D I WILL be just fine. I will do whatever I have to. If I have to move, I will. Just don't know where yet. I already have been keeping eyes/ears open to finding a better paying job. But I like my current and don't want to change, but will have to if we D as I don't make enough money. Life will go on no matter what happens between H and I. There was a time I really didn't think I could survive without him. But that passed a long time ago.
I have been though so many hardships in my life and came out the otherside just fine. I've learned alot over my years and the biggest lesson is that I can go through ANYTHING and be okay. But I know what I WANT out of life and I will work as hard as I can to get there. Like I always have before...
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I haven't posted in a long time. I kept away from the web site for six months - on purpose - and it helped. But I wonder if Michele reads some of these postings and how she can keep her mouth shut.
Limbo - in Michele's book she talks about the "Limbo" stage and that is exactly what it is. You do not push through the Limbo stage...you just go through it.
TOH - here is how I get through it - prayer and doing what God tells me to do. I have been in this almost two years now.
Please take the time to ask God what he wants you to do and then listen for his answer. That is the key. Please listen for his answer. God has always given me an answer BUT I had to listen.
My husband lives at home. He never moved out of the house but he moved out of the bedroom. He is no closer today to moving back into the room than he was when he moved out over 20 months ago. BUT I have seen improvements.
He goes out to dinner with the OW almost everynight of the week. Thursday - Saturday he is out late partying with her. BUT everynight he comes home and sleeps in the house. I don't question him as to why...I thank God that he is here.
I quit coming to the site and spent the time that I was on the site praying and studying my Bible. It was a challenge I gave myself. I wondered what would happen in my life if I spent the time I was wasting on complaining - praying instead. When you start changing your prayer life...things in your life start changing. I now see a lot of progress.
Not coming here cost me - sure. I missed the whole thing about when MWG's husband moved back out again and why, etc.
TOH - here's why I came back to the site. The other day I was whining to God about how long this is taking. I want my family back. I want my husband back. I want, I want, I want...I sounded like a kid in the mall...WHINING. So God told me to go back to this site...and this is what I found. I found MWG is going through it again. I found you going through where I was a few months back. We are all going through it...and it is just taking time.
I was so taken back by what MWG is going through but I kept plowing through the posts that she is posting now and still find the amazing woman. BUT I asked God what was the lesson He had sent me here to learn. There is no one lesson. But I know that my whining is not going to help. I know that bothering my husband is not going to help. The only thing that is going to help is time. Time for God to work on me and time for God to work on my husband.
There is a pattern. God works on me...then he works on my husband. Sometimes the lessons are quick to learn...others have taken weeks.
I learned a life lesson about three weeks ago that I know was for my benefit as well as my husband's. It taught me about compassion. I'm going to need compassion and understanding for my husband when he finally realizes that he has a lot of clean up to do. Honestly he won't have to do it with me but he will have to do it with other family members, co-workers, and friends. The lesson left me broken. I cried for hours over it. I had hurt my family for years and I didn't realize it. I apologized to my husband over and over - via e-mail and he told me it was okay. Today - three weeks later and I'm still remembering what it felt like. And I know that it's so that when my husband finally comes to his senses I will understand the brokenedness that he is going to feel. Without my life lesson I can tell you that I would not have understood really how broken he will be.
TOH - I make it by praying. I have even learned how to pray for the other woman and her family. It was not easy at first and has only gotten easier in the last 8-9 weeks. Somedays I have to talk to God about how hard it is to pray for her before I can pray for her.
I also make it by crying. It's okay to cry but I usually do it alone.
I also cry for the broken person my husband is. If he wasn't broken we wouldn't be going through this. Something in his life is worse than what is in my life. Even with the recent passing of my mother I can still see that my husband is more broken than me. Somewhere deep inside of him is something that needs to be fixed. I can't fix it. Only God and time can. And when there has been enough time for healing within him with God guiding him then my husband will move on to the next thing in his life. It may be then that he will want to fix the marriage...but then again...there may be something else in his life that needs to be fixed and again he will have to go through the cycle...letting time heal and God guiding him.
This journey is about you. Try to get your eyes off of your husband and concentrate on you. Pray for you. Stop thinking about a divorce. If you don't want it...don't pursue it. Let him do the work. (I read somewhere that 80% of the divorces in the world are brought to completion by the females. That should tell you something.) I had to stop thinking this way myself.
TOH - I'm not excited about my married life right now but I'm thankful for what I have. I have a husband who is at home and he doesn't talk about moving out or even downstairs...which is a full apartment. He pays the bills (2 years ago he told me he wasn't going to pay the bills anymore. I took them over for about 9 months and then he took them back. I call it progress.). When we need something at the store he either picks it up or he puts it on the grocery list that is on the frig (something we all have learned to do since this all started). He feeds the animals. He asks about my family, talks to my dad on the phone from time to time, etc. A lot of women would be really happy with what I have...so I stopped whining...as much. I still get tired. I still get disappointed. I still get upset when he mentions the OW...I don't bring her up anymore. (I have learned - the hard way - that if I do bring her up it will be a set back of about 8 weeks. I've learned that I don't want to go through that again.) I keep praying. I pray more now than I've ever prayed.
TOH - be kind to yourself. It is hard. Maybe we are using the wrong words. Keep searching for the right way to do this. It will come to you. What works for others may not work for you but it's a process. You will get there. Don't give up.
thank you very much snowmm, I wish you the best too...
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I think the key is to not whine and always say "I want...." when praying.
Personally for me, that would make me feel selfish. I do begin praying Hedge of Thorns, going thru prayers from The Power of a Praying Wife and another prayer book followed by looking up Bible verses and then I add in my own prayers and always thank God for the little blessings, the roof over our heads, the food we have, our health, to forgive me for things I may have done, to continue to work on my family, me, my h, and for the restoration of this marriage/family all in His perfect timing.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
When I pray I too thank God for all the blessings in my life. For all of the "little" things. I ask God to forgive my sins, I ask that he grant me courage and strength.
I pray to God to watch over my H and give him the strength to make it through this journey and to take care of him along the way.
I thank God every day for my girls. And pray that He watches over them.
I pray for peace and I ask for His guidence...
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I'm back for a little while...just ran my bath water and it's usually a good hour - 1 1/2 before I crawl back out again.
Hedge of thorns - funny - that would be the subject. I have known about the hedge of thorns for over a year now. I prayed it last year and I know that was why my husband came back to the marriage a year ago BUT, and please listen to this because it cost me a hard lesson, I prayed the prayer but I didn't follow up with the rest of it. I didn't forgive. I was still hurt and I kept repeating the anger. My husband drew closer to the OW (still didn't leave the house) and I couldn't figure out why. It has just been in the recent weeks that I have been able to see what happened a year ago. I prayed the hedge of thorns prayer but I didn't follow up with it.
Last night I was talking to God and trying to bargain with him. God has told me that my husband is "ready." I'm not sure what God means by that but I have been told to "get ready." I'm not sure what God means by that either so everyday I have been asking God what I have to do to get ready and one of those things is that I need to pray the hedge of thorns. Everyday. For the rest of our lives. God will bring my husband back to the marriage sooner than God had planned (God does change his mind - he did for Moses, Abraham, and others.). I want my husband back now and I ask God what I needed to do to get it to happen earlier instead of later and God told me to pray the hedge of thorns. Daily!
TOH - it took me a long time to fully understand that prayer and I still have trouble praying it. I don't know exactly why the trouble I'm having. I now invision it when I pray it. My hedge is about 7-8 feet tall and very THICK. I don't even want anyone to be able to see my husband through it. (I guess I should start praying a taller hedge because the OW is taller than my husband.)
So, confimation from God, again, that the hedge of thorns is key in my life. I know now that it will be a prayer that I do not take out of my prayer life. And I will do the steps after it as well.
TOH - back in March on the prayer blog here I asked for help in getting my prayers organized and how other people did it. I got a lot of good answers but it was in June that God helped me put my own system together. It works for me. It's right along with my calendar. It was one of those growing things I had to do with God. BUT I knew that the key to getting through this was going to be prayer. The other thing I was struggling with was whether someone had to pray on their knees. My answer to that wasn't simple. I have always hated praying on my knees. Even when I was a kid and we had family alter on Sunday nights...I hated it. And then...somewhere within me a voice said...you hate praying on your knees for your husband but you will spend hours on your knees pulling weeds in the garden. Enough said. So since my prayers take about 40 minutes to pray - not including Bible/devotions I now pray the prayers for my husband on my knees and the rest in the tub...which is where I'm headed for now. But - since I have been praying on my knees things between my husband and me have gotten a lot better. OW is still in our lives but she is less and less of a thought in my every day life. I am able to finally put her where she needs to be. She is my husband's problem. I don't have to get rid of her...he does.
