No, I did not take what you said the wrong way at all. In fact, I understand exactly what you are saying. At first, after I decided to stay in the M.....well, I don't think I had completly decided at the time I came on board, but I was still here and involved with the OM in a EA. This board is what turned me around and, of course God, but I think God worked through all the right people to say the right things to me to stop what I was doing before I messed my life up forever. So, when I made the decision to stay, I tried hard to get my H to go with me to a MC or a Pasor and he was hard set against it b/c I think it was to "save face".....I don't know (go figure), but I knew him well enough to realize that it would do no good to argue with him. However, I knew I needed some help so I kept coming back here until I could get through the worst of it. Then, I wanted to try to help others......if I could.
It does have some addiction to it.....like most things on the Internet, or TV or whatever that can become a habit. I have tried to go for days without getting on line, or maybe answer only a couple of posts and when my H comes home....get off and stay off for the evening or until he fell asleep on the couch (which is usually every evening). For quite a while now, I have not gone on the Newcomers and picked up anyone that has just started and have narrowed my "list" to reply to down a lot compared to what it use to be. I use to think if somebody asked me to take a look at their stitch that I just had to do it and it almost became more than I could do to keep up. I think that is when I started getting some of them confussed and would have to go back to re-read part of it as a refresher. But, I am not doing as much now b/c I feel that I need to back away "some" but not completely. I don't have children at home and it's just my H and I. Since I am about shot from work all day, this is how I stay off my legs and it still is therapy for me. Just like yesterday when I was told that I was refering to my age too much. I need encouragement and you all here on the bb are about the only ones that will do it b/c nobody else knows about what happened in my M except for a couple of close family memebers.
I would suggest that if you find it too addicting to the point that other things are being neglected, that you either back off or else leave it alone. Especially if/when you have the children. Their needs come first. If, however, you still need the encouragement to help you through the next several months, then why not try to set a buzzer and limit yourself to a certain amount of time spent on the board. I had rather see you do a little than none at all, just b/c I think you will need the support or you will get really depressed.
Yes, I want to stay in my M and I do want it to be much better than what it is. My problem, as I've told many times to those that have stuck around for a long time, is that my desire was shot. When I was going to leave a year ago last Feb., I did not think I was in love with my H any longer and never would feel like a wife should feel toward her H. I thought he had let me dry up and wither away just like a neglected rose. Just b/c I did not leave and stayed in the home....it did not mean that I was happy about it. So, it took me a very long time to even reach a point to be willing--"to be willing" to try. I have been willing for quite some time, but as I said yesterday....to do that without the feelings is about more than I can muster now. Maybe it goes back to having to do that for sooooo many years that I almost feel like a person that has "burn-out". If you have ever had burn-out then you know what I am saying. My H did back off and give me space and he doesn't force any physical affection on me. I am not sure that I am still ready for much more than what we are doing at this time. I am sorry to say that I am not sure that I want to have sex, and he couldn't anyway, so maybe it's just as well. It has been so many years now. At times, I feel that I need the intimacy so badly and I feel so alone b/c he doesn't share a bed with me, but it's just like it has been for all these years. I know he is not going to change b/c I don't think he knows how. I wonder if he even cares now. Maybe this all did somethig to him that affected his feelings for me. I might walk out that door and he would not even try to stop me....unless it was to save face again. I think he would be embarrased for people to discover that after all these years of M that I left him. But, my family are seeing more and more of his ways that they did not seem to see before and they don't know how I do it. He's not a "bad" guy, but he just doesn't give me any closeness and the conversation that I need. It is kind of like just sharing an apartment with another person who doesn't share their life with you.
It is sad and it's hard to explain how I feel or any of the rest to everyone. I just know that I have to stay here where I belong. He is not as well as he use to be and he isn't going to get better. Since I don't have anyone else, then there really isn't any point in me leaving.....unless I just could not take him getting on my nerves so much. That part does get me down! The way he does things......and especially the way he doesn't get some things done...makes me very depressed.
I had a poster on another forum make me very angry b/c he accused me of not wanting to work on my M and said I acted like a victum. I was furious at him. At that time, I felt that I did want to work on my M, but this poster just wanted to talk about sex b/c he pulled me over into that forum and he wanted to tell me step by step to do.....and that is not for me. I finally got enough. I don't let anyone do that to me anymore.
So, in a way, I may still be on a bit of a rollercoaster myself that MLC W's get on, b/c there are some days that I do want to "force" myself,.....in spite of no emotion. I want to put forth more work toward my M, but when you feel totally empty of any energy or any emotions......and it means using more self-discipline--like I have to do with going to work, church....everything in my life.....I suppose I find it very hard to do at the moment. I mean, everything I do is out of sheer will power and not much of anything else. After a while, I run dry. Sorry if this sounds like I'm having a pity-party....b/c I am not! Just trying to answer your questions. Aslo, I am trying without sounding like a victum to my physical problems. Afraid I'm not doing it very well. It is kind of like expecting a dying person to have a lot of energy to pour into their R and do all the work toward a better M without any help from their S. That is how it feels every day.......like life is slowly leaving my body. I have talked to others who have this Firbormyalgia, so it is not just me feeling like that. I don't want to be a victum to it and I do want my life back again b/c I am so afraid if I am not able to do that, then I will never have a good R with my H. He waits for me to set the "tone" in everything! I mean everything! The weight of that responsibility gets to be too much at times.
I believe when a woman feels that her love for her H is not what it use to be......it is probably one of the hardest things to rekindle. I never wanted to be one of those couples that you see where they just try to tollerate each other. I may be making this sound worse than what it is, but when it is time to start another thread, I'm not going to entitle it "things are getting better"....cause so far, they aren't better "enough" for me and I don't think they are for him either. So, why isn't he trying? I thought things were for a while, but then things kind of came to a wall and that is as far as it went. We don't fuss or fight, but still isn't like I want.
Don't know if I answered your questions or not. Don't want to sound so depressing. Just trying to be painfully honest with myself and you. However, it seems to depress me to talk about my M. I have started reading again to try to boost my dersire to try harder.
Why don't you start a new thread in "Newcomers" (even though you aren't a true newcomer...it doesn't matter) b/c they get more replies than anyone. Then if you feel that you need to be in a different place.....you can always move. I do hope you won't stop coming back all together. You have been sweet to me.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Maybe this all did somethig to him that affected his feelings for me. I might walk out that door and he would not even try to stop me....unless it was to save face again. I think he would be embarrased for people to discover that after all these years of M that I left him. But, my family are seeing more and more of his ways that they did not seem to see before and they don't know how I do it. He's not a "bad" guy, but he just doesn't give me any closeness and the conversation that I need. It is kind of like just sharing an apartment with another person who doesn't share their life with you. 