JUST USED LRT-WHAT DO I DO NOW???

[1hope]

S,

It would probably be easier for us to keep track of your situation if you would post only in one forum. That was advice given to me when I first joined, and I now understand why.

You will want to read all you can on any of the forums, but if you post on one, people will know where to look for you. Just some advice

[Sanderika]

Hi 1hope,

I agree, one forum makes the most sense. I don't know where I belong and I wasn't getting a lot of feedback on this one for a while so I started a new forum and new thread. The moderators will probably lock this one up soon. I will keep it to one thread and forum after this for a while.

Thank you, Sanderika

[naej]

Hi Sanderika, thank you for taking the time to explain your situation more fully. It sounds very complicated and I don't think that you have heard the last from your H but as to how cordial those interactions will be I have no idea.
We all do what we hope is the right thing when it comes to saving our marriage and it is only with hind sight we maybe see that perhaps we enabled or made matters worse.
I really think you seem to have done all you could and your H is a very difficult book to read as it were.
Going over the past years will have you in complete turmoil, so try and set yourself a time limit for the retrospective thinking, you seem to be a highly organised person so this could be a challenge that you maybe could set your mind to.

I understand the not wanting to see "they are truly dogs underneath" I hated anyone to criizise my h or even think badly of him and often found myself defending him.
I also believe that they are not necessarily bad men,just that they moved on and stopped loving us, they wanted something we couldn,t give them, maybe their youth back or maybe they just got bored like you we had a lifetime together and life does become samey? Maybe they feel they missed out by marrying their first love- like most everyone I have tried to fill in the blanks at times. I no longer do that.We will never know.
I no longer think of Ow as the devil incarnate, mine also had a bad reputation and I did hate her and have no wish to meet or be her friend but I came to realise my H was not a man that was easily manipulated and she didn't control him, she turned his head and flattered him and he was obviously attracted to her but she didn't force him to do anything I don't think. he was an intelligent professional business man and continued to be so-so no she definately did not have control of him.
I wanted to think that and I believed it for along time but now I know I did that to ease my pain and excuse my H for his actions.
Gosh this is long and I must go to bed. I think you have stirred up some long forgoten musings I had.
Whatever the outcome you will survive trust me. You have done all you could and now it's in the lap of the Gods.
They use to say on this bb that it takes a month for ever year of marriage to heal, so you have a while to go, but you will get there.
Take the focus off what the OW has done and what has happened in the past and stay focused on the D and paperwork for now.
Deal with one thing at a time otherwise it will drive you crazy and your son needs one sane parent.
Take care.

[Sanderika]

Thank you naej,

I can say "ditto" for most everything you wrote above. My H sounds a lot like your XH.

I have written several threads and posted my whole story even describing me and the OW. If you feel like an interesting read, click on some of my previous posts. I have only been posting since early July and sure do wish I found this site months and months ago. My chances would have been better I think.

Oh naej, you might want to be cozy with a hot cup of tea or a cocktail. I will warn you it's quite a story.

I am in Maine, I am just going to fix some supper.

We are having a beautiful fall here in New England and I spent the day outside so I am hoping the sun and fresh air will make me sleep well. It's not something I am getting a lot of right now.

I know you will read this in the am....I hope you had a good night's sleep.

With appreciation for being my friend,

Sanderika

[1hope]

I agree, one forum makes the most sense. I don't know where I belong and I wasn't getting a lot of feedback on this one for a while so I started a new forum and new thread. The moderators will probably lock this one up soon. I will keep it to one thread and forum after this for a while.

I did the very same thing when I first came here. Somebody pointed out to me that it would be easier for them to find me if I stuck to one forum.

I hope that the rest of your weekend went well.

Be sure to let us know the name of your new thread so we can keep tabs on you.

Keep smiling sweetie.

[job]

S,
I'm very sorry to read that your marriage is tumbling down the hill very fast these days and a divorce is right around the corner. Once they start the ball rolling, it's a fast moving one. The only advice I can offer you is to listen to your lawyer, answer the questions as truthfully as you can and look at this as a business arrangement gone sour. It's no longer a warm and fuzzy relationship, but one that's gone sour.

The ow is most likely behind a lot of this. They tend to fill the spouses (who are very weak at this time) with ideas that we'll take them to the cleaners, we'll punish them and the h's have to beat us to the punch. They think the ow is there for them, but what she's looking for is a good time, plenty of money and new security w/our xhs.

Once the divorce is over and done with, it takes about 6 months to even a year or so and the euphoria of that new found freedom will tarnish and he'll begin to realize just what he's done. Will he admit it? Probably not if he's got a lot of pride.

As for you and your son, you are going to be okay. You've managed thus far and believe me, once this is behind you, that heavy old monkey will be off your back and you just may be surprised at how well you feel (health wise). S, I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but in time, things will settle down and you'll develop your own routine, which will not be dependent upon your h.

No matter what, protect yourself and your assets. Fight for what you feel is a fair and just settlement for you and your son. If your h isn't happy at the end of the day w/the settlement, too bad. You are to the one that stood by him through thick and thin. Let the ow now pick up the pieces and start over w/a man that hasn't been truthful w/her either.

[Sanderika]

Thank you 1hope for your kind words. I appreciate the support.

snodderly,

Thank you for your comments.

My H's OW has poisoned H all right. It's funny but now people are coming out of the woodwork and telling me all her plots and plans.

She worked him over so long about our business partnership by telling him and everyone else that I was running the company into the ground and I was stupid and I was using antiquated methods of bookkeeping. She told people her BFF was so smart and would do a much better job than me and that her BFF would turn the place around. Her BFF was so much smarter than me.
I KNEW THAT COMPANY LIKE THE BACK OF MY HAND. I STARTED IT. I HAD 25 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE RUNNING IT. RUN IT INTO THE GROUND, ME STUPID, ANTIQUATED......OMG. OMG. OMG.

She is now working on keeping my H from his local friends. Local friends see right through her tactics and plots. OW is making fast enemies in this town. She's taking H right down with her.

I want the D over and done with immediately. H brought us to it H is going to get it. I am only sorry that H didn't give us more of a chance and that H put all his stock in her account. OW will burn him, It's something I am positive about, and I can't explain why I am so positive.

My H is actually a very humble man. I hope one day he can talk to me like a friend and explain the whys. I would like to hear his regrets. It would make me feel better as I have accepted all the blame in the demise of the marriage and have been literally tortured by this evnet in my life over the past 38 months. I know this road still has no end and that I have a long way to go.

It's sad that even with all that's happened I am still standing by him. He has a gem in me, I wish he could see it before it's definately too late.

For H to realize 6-12 months post divorce that it was a mistake would be tragic because I am sure there is about to be a lot more pain in my future.

I still want to know how H is emotionally this past week. I hope he feels like me.

I will protect myself and my son, for every penny I can get the OW can't have it. That's mean but it's how I feel. H will end up broke. His father told me many times to get the lion's share if I can cause OW will take 25% of what's left and H will end up with 25% if he's lucky. My FIL doesn't like OW at all and doesn't trust her as far as he could throw her. It's funny how everyone knows what she is up to except H.

Thank you snodderly, I appreciate your words of wisdom, I am getting stronger in baby steps. Heck I only teared up twice today.

Sanderika

[1hope]

I am so sorry that you are going thru this. Keep your chin up and know that this is his issue and not anything that you deserve.

I don't know what happens to these guys...but to me she sounds live a very evil woman. Very much like the one that broke up my first marriage. Guess what. He never married her and regrets his actions now.

That may be small comfort to you at the moment, but don't let them steal your dignity. Take the higher road and care for yourself and your children. Do not let yourself be dragged down into her low level.

Take care.

[Sanderika]

Hello 1hope,

I appreciate the words of comfort and support.

I hope my H does not marry her.

Funny, not so much for my H because he will have to live it to see it and that is what needs to happen to him. He needs to take responsibility for his choices and actions and he won't be able to until he is truly burned by her. I don't see a happily ever after tale here. I hope snodderly is right that 6-12 months post divorce my H will have regret and remorse. I hope it brings him to his knees.

I more so hope he doesn't marry her for the sake of my son and myself. My son does not need this person in his life. My son does not need her ever. He and I need her completely out of our lives at this point forever. If H marries her, my son and I will never be free of her. Frankly, I can't handle the thoughts of it and it scares the hell out of me. To me, if H wants her in HIS life, fine. It doesn't give him the or any rights to bring her into ours. I am going to argue this til I die if I have to and in court if I have to.

I have very good reasons why this woman cannot have contact with my son and I. One day soon I will post more on this, I may have mentioned it in some of my previous writings, I will look back. I actually have 2 threads running right now and when I consolidate into one I will write about this event that happened at my home on November 7, 2006. It is a long story and a very painful one at that.

I am not planning on backsliding at all now. I am not going to instigate any contact with H. H has made his bed, H can lie in it. H can (and hopefully he does) wonder from a distance what might be going on over here.

I welcome any of you who read this to click on my name and view my story from previous posts. There may be hidden lessons in it for a lot of people. While it is a classic MLC sitch, it has twists that are interesting. I know I read and read on this board everyday and I see many things that make me ponder and I can relate to. I hesitate to offer advice to anyone though, I don't feel like I am qualified to do so yet. Sitch is still to raw here.

WELL, 1hope I have rambled on here too much, I find it hard to keep a post short. Seems I start writing and can't stop.

Thank you my friend,

Sanderika

[1hope]

You are very welcome. I have been thru some of what you are experiencing. My 1st M of 19 years ended in a somewhat similar way as what you are experiencing. She was not a stripper, but store bought tits and liked things that I won't even go into. She turned my H's head around like it wasn't attached to his body.

My sons grew up and now know her for what she is. My H never did marry her...they have been "engaged" (sons call it a shut up ring) for 5 years and not too long ago my H told me he regrets it.

Hang in there sweetie. Don't feel like you need to be qualified to give advice. Just a hug and positive word can make someones day. It helps you too.