Hi millicent- I will certainly let you know if I ever figure it out!
Well, here is the update since my last post...
I've been hearing from my H more consistantly...pretty much daily. We met for lunch last week, for a drink on Friday, we went out with friends on Saturday night and we have had dinner together the last couple of nights. Saturday night my H stayed over but he woke up early Sunday morning and said he didn't feel well so he was going to go to his apartment to sleep. I suggested he could just stay and sleep at my house but he wanted to leave. Now I was mostly fine with him wanting go but I was bothered by the fact that he can't feel "at home" enough to want to just sleep and relax at my house. It made me feel like we are no closer to him coming home...that frustration certainly gave me something to talk to the C when we had our session night before last. I had an opportunity to vent one-on-one with the C since my H showed up late again for the session . I told the C that I do see progress but not that much and I am getting tired of it. He agreed that we are making slow progress and then he told me that he thinks my H is more afraid of losing me than I am of losing him. I think him saying that opened the door for me to say what I have been feeling to my H...so when my H finally showed up at C, I laid it all out there. We talked about him moving home and he acknowledged that I said I would like him to move home before the holidays. He said he had been thinking about moving home before the end of the year (he never told me that but he thought he had ). My H said his main concern about moving back is whether or not I "get it"..."get it" meaning accepting him for who he is, not mothering him and telling him what to do, not trying to guilt him into doing the thing I want him to do, etc...The C asked what percentage he thinks I get it now. My H said 85%. The C asked what percentage he thought I "got it" at the beginning of summer. My H said 50%. The C seemed extremely encouraged by the progress. My H also talked about and stressed what a big deal it was for him to leave the marriage because it was so uncharacteristic of him to do something like that. Now the C wants us both to make a list of what expectations we have when we live together again. Hmmm...this could be interesting. I gotten so used to having no expectations that I'm having difficulty finding things to put on my list.
Anyway, after C, my H and I went to dinner and we talked more. I felt like I could be more myself with my H...we talked about what has happened in the past (even post bomb) and we talked a little about the future. I do feel like we were connecting a more but I still see that we have a long way to go.
My H told me when he left, he didn't care...meaning he didn't care about me and what I did. He says he does care now...although I can still see that he has a long way to go before we make it through this. I worry that I don't really know this man...he is a changed although I do see him softening and do see more of the old H reappearing.
I have my doubts that my H will be moving back before the end of the year. When he first left, he told me it would be just for a few weeks...then it was a few months...8 months later he rented an apartment and said he was only going to stay there for 3 months and he has been there almost a year. I think there is part of him that really wants to move back in with me...I just know there is still a big part of him that isn't ready. I am trying to prepare myself that this could take awhile.
My H and I keep talking about going away together for a weekend but there always seems to be a reason why we can't. Last night when he was over, I asked what he is doing next weekend and he told me he and his friend of his have to go out of town on business but that I should come up and meet them on Saturday night. I have not seen much of this friend since the bomb plus he is the friend that my H moved in with for about 8 months when he first left...and when my H first left, I did call this friend and ask him if my H had an OW. The friend told me he would neither confirm or deny (to this day, I still don't know of an OW). This friend also told me that he thought I smothered my H. My H has even recently told that this friend thinks I smothered him but then last night he said this friend is "Switzerland" (I don't think so). The friend has been divorced 3 times and just recently broke up with his latest girl friend. I have very little respect for this man and the decisions he makes but I know he is a good friend of my H's.
So, my question is do I go and join my H and his friend next weekend even though I really don't want to spend much time around this "friend" or do I just tell my H that I will see him when he gets back? Did my H just invite me again out of guilt? Would going help solidify my R with my H since this could be a reintroduction into his circle of friends? I don't know if my H and I will be able to get away together anytime in the near future since he will be extremely busy with work until Feb...and I really would enjoy the chance to get away even if it is just for the night. I don't know.
peace- How are you? I hope you are doing well. Sorry I haven't called...I will call you soon.
My opinion is to have patience with the weekend away. Try to leave it in his hands... he did say he wanted to take a weekend away didn't he? He just has a busy schedule.
About the "friend." I think you should accept the invitation. Treat the friend well. Don't go into the situation letting your opinion of him affect your actions. The more you don't want your H to spend time with this friend, naturally, he will be more inclined to spend time with him.
Let him figure out for himself that this guy is not a "good" friend.
I have gone through periods in my life where I hung out with people and then realized that I was not really that type of person to be involved with the group I was hanging with. But if someone would have said something to me about it at the time, I probably would have gotten defensive and it would have taken me longer to stop.
And don't worry why he invited you. He invited you. If you want to go... go and have a good time!
Upside I can understand your uncomfortability about meeting your H and His friend maybe take a little time meditate or journel about it I dont think your H would ask you to go if he didnt want you there or he may want to show you he is trying with this reconciliation..either way it is a nice gesture on his part I would definitely thank him for thinking of you whether you go or not I think you will have that weekend or night away..it is coming just let it be in H time..I know you are patient and it hasnt been easy, but I would suggest you give H more time dont push..let go agian and again He is there right there..he doesnt want to lose you he will feel less pressure and come around quicker peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Upside, I think if you don't want to spend time with H's friend, don't go. I definitely wouldn't want my one weekend in months away with H to be shared with someone I'm not keen about! With any luck, there will be another time for you to get away with H. Of course you will want to thank your H for the invite regardless.
That's my 2 cents' worth!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
mc, peace and Dawn- Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I agree with all of you even though your opinions vary a little...but that being said, I guess I am going to meet my H next Saturday. We had C tonight and we talked about my H's invitation for next weekend. I cleared the air about my H's friend and my H still said he really does want me to go...so, I told him I would go.
Tonight might have seemed unproductive because we spent the majority of the session to talk about my kids and my XH. The C pointed out how my H is really taking an interest in what is going on with my kids and has been more supportive of me when it comes to dealing with my psycho XH...my H said he understands it must have been difficult for me dealing with two teenagers and then my XH and his wife to boot...he said he has been trying to support me and I do see that he has. So, I see that as another step forward. But I think a real step forward came after we left the C's office. I told my H he seems happier and he agreed that he is. I am not sure that I can take any credit for it but I still think it is a VERY good thing.
Hi na and peace- So much for my H wanting me to meet up with him this weekend. My H is having problems at work and decided that he is going to be coming home early Sunday to do more work so there really is no reason for me to go all that way just to meet up with him for dinner and spend the night. So, once again he retracted his invitation and on top of that, the happiness that I thought I saw in him the other day is now gone. He is stressed out again about work and claims that things will be crazy busy for him for the next 3 1/2 months. I did talk to my H about my feelings last night but I feel like that just puts more pressure on him. I told him that if we were living together and he was busy with work, at least I would see him every night when he gets home. He seemed to understand my frustration and acknowledges that his business is a problem but I don't think he is willing to change anything. I told him that he should just let me go since I am so tired of putting my life on hold for him. He just said that he would hate for all of the therapy to go to waste.
So, we have nothing resolved. I just don't think I can stay in limbo until February...or even longer because I don't know what excuse he will have then. I really think my H likes the way things are with us now. He sees me when he wants but has no real obligation...that way he doesn't really have to consider my wants and needs. I feel like I am backed into a corner again. I can't put more pressure on my H but I can't keep going on like this indefinately. I want someone who wants to make me priority and wants to be committed to me...I want someone who wants to be with me...I just know I want more than this. Life is too short to live in limbo forever.
). My H said his main concern about moving back is whether or not I "get it"..."get it" meaning accepting him for who he is, not mothering him and telling him what to do, not trying to guilt him into doing the thing I want him to do, etc...The C asked what percentage he thinks I get it now. My H said 85%. The C asked what percentage he thought I "got it" at the beginning of summer. My H said 50%. The C seemed extremely encouraged by the progress. My H also talked about and stressed what a big deal it was for him to leave the marriage because it was so uncharacteristic of him to do something like that. Now the C wants us both to make a list of what expectations we have when we live together again. Hmmm...this could be interesting. I gotten so used to having no expectations that I'm having difficulty finding things to put on my list.
This friend also told me that he thought I smothered my H. My H has even recently told that this friend thinks I smothered him but then last night he said this friend is "Switzerland" (I don't think so). The friend has been divorced 3 times and just recently broke up with his latest girl friend. I have very little respect for this man and the decisions he makes but I know he is a good friend of my H's. 
I am not sure that I can take any credit for it but I still think it is a VERY good thing.
My H is having problems at work and decided that he is going to be coming home early Sunday to do more work so there really is no reason for me to go all that way just to meet up with him for dinner and spend the night. So, once again he retracted his invitation and on top of that, the happiness that I thought I saw in him the other day is now gone. He is stressed out again about work and claims that things will be crazy busy for him for the next 3 1/2 months. I did talk to my H about my feelings last night but I feel like that just puts more pressure on him. I told him that if we were living together and he was busy with work, at least I would see him every night when he gets home. He seemed to understand my frustration and acknowledges that his business is a problem but I don't think he is willing to change anything. I told him that he should just let me go since I am so tired of putting my life on hold for him. He just said that he would hate for all of the therapy to go to waste.