So yesterday was not a good day. H had called me on his way home from work and we chatted for a few minutes about nothing imparticular. Nice convo.
Anyway, H had an after school event yesterday so when I got home I was all alone and opened the door to all 7 of my smoke alarms blaring! There was NO smoke in the house and I couldn't figure out why they were going off. So I open some windows and they go off, but it's freakin cold outside so I close them again and within 30 seconds they're screaming again. I call H and ask him what it could be and ask if he would be willing to come over and help me with them. He responds with "NO...I"m busy". Of course, this makes me tear up a bit as he has called me on several occassions since he left for "favors" including me picking him up and taking him to a haircut and leaving work early last week and letting him use my credit card to buy new work clothes. So I say..."ok well, I need to go then". Convo went like this after that:
Him: What is your problem now? Me: Nothing, I need to go and figure out what is wrong. Him: Well I don't know why you are getting upset...I don't need this stress Me: You know what...please forget I called...I'm sorry...I need to go Him: Whatever
I hang up and call my friend...her H says he'll come over and check it out. About 5 minutes go by and my H calls back..convo is as follows:
Him: Did you figure it out? Me: No, friend's H is going to come over and check it out Him: You know...I don't know why you have to get so pissed off Me: I'm not pissed off...to be honest it hurt me that you weren't willing to come and assist me. Him: Well thanks for ruining my night Me: You know...I'm getting sick of hearing about how I always ruin things for you...I shouldn't have called you...it was my issue and I need to learn to take care of things myself. Please pretend I never called. Him: All the stress in my life and you have to pull this Me: Yes, I know you are the only one on earth with stress..again, could you please just let this go. Him: Well something is obviously bothering you Me: I'm fine...I need to go this convo is pointless Him: Fine
We hang up..I call PG&E as I start to wonder if it could be carbon monoxide in the house. PG&E says they'll be right out so I call friend and tell her I don't need her H. PG&E guy comes...spends about 20 minutes resetting everything and asks me if I have the owners manual to the fire alarm system. I tell him..no I'm sure it's somewhere but I'll have to ask ex H. He says...well couldn't you have called your ex H come over and helped you? I tell him...I did call him...he said he was busy. PG&E guys responds with a shake of his head and "that's rough". To which I respond..."such is life". So by this time...D is home and she heard convo between PG&E guy and I. When he leaves she says...is that why you looked sad when I got home...because dad wouldn't come and help you. I told her a little, but it was also making me crazy listening to the ringing for an hour. It tell her it really wasn't her dad's responsibility anyway. She gets a nasty look on her face and then marches upstairs. She ends up falling asleep in a chair watching TV so I decide to make dinner in case she wakes up. I'm making dinner and H calls to talk to D. I let him know she's sleeping. He sounds irritated and says..."can you not flip out and act crazy anymore". I'm getting very pissed off at this point, but I keep my cool and convo goes like this:
Me: Listen...I've asked you to let it go. I did not "flip out" my feelings did get a little hurt, but it's no big deal. I should not have and will not call you again for something like that...I'll deal with it myself. Him: Well I wish you would tell me why you are acting like this...you were fine earlier in the day. Me: You know I would like this convo to be over so I'll tell you what made me tearful. If you called me and asked for my help, I would not respond by telling you NO, I'm busy and then follow it up with...thanks for ruining my night. You talk to me very rudely...much the way you have been for the last 2 years and I've pretty much had my fill of it. Him: I do not talk to you rudely. Me: Yes, you do...you talk to me like you wish I would fall off the face of the earth. Him: (Very angrily) No I don't Me: Listen...I'm busy making dinner...this is getting us no where. Have a good evening. Him: Well I'm sorry if you think I talked to you rudely. Me: Thanks...it's not a big deal...I shouldn't have called you in the first place. Good night.
Soooo...as you all know our feelings about our situations change from week to week, day to day and sometimes minute to minute. I say this because the way I'm feeling now may not last, but I honestly feel pretty numb inside. The incident last night reminded me of several other incidents in our relationship...things I had forgotten about because I've been so busy blaming myself for everything. The truth is I wasn't the best wife in the world and I made lots of mistakes, but he wasn't the best partner either. He has lots of his own issues to grapple with. The difference between us both is that I have acknowledged my issues and I'm working on changing myself for the better. He, on the other hand, does not think he has any issues and as a result is working on changing nothing about himself. He and I have been a great team in terms of putting all the blame on me. Now, I know you cannot read "tone" in the written word and I don't want to come off as bitter in my sentiment here..so I must tell you...I am realizing that if I step back from things and stop being so consumed by my desperate thoughts of reconciliation I am able to see that I don't want a relationship with someone like him. That does not mean I don't love him and that I wouldn't be completely overjoyed if he had a change of heart and wanted to spend some time working on "us" as well as ourselves as individuals, but I don't see that happening. So where do I go from here...not sure because I will probably feel differently tomorrow or 10 minutes from now but maybe I need to spend more time not only thinking about how I could make him happy, but also thinking about whether or not he could ever make me happy. It's possible the answer to that question is no....
but maybe I need to spend more time not only thinking about how I could make him happy, but also thinking about whether or not he could ever make me happy. It's possible the answer to that question is no....