JUST USED LRT-WHAT DO I DO NOW???

[Sanderika]

Hi naej,

Yes, I did a 180 and told H numerous times how I felt about the separation and his behavior. I told him many times he was cheating on me even though he had separated. In his eyes he assumed that because he left the marriage thru separation that it was not cheating and actually started to feel more like the mistress and not the spouse.

When my H left in 9/2005 he was h*ll bent on getting a divorce. I started to do 180's (actually more like 360's) and it stopped him dead in his tracks. You see though he never gave up the other woman. I think over time he fell in love with her and out of love with me.

Right up until last week he was unsure that he wanted to divorce me. I truly believe the OW has put so much pressure on him for what she wants that he gave in to her. She has been there as his friend & companion by his choice for the past three years. I look at it kind of like a kid who wants a cookie. They beg and beg and beg until the parent gives in to the demand. I look at other woman as the kid wanting the cookie and my H as the parent who finally gives up the fight and hands over the cookie.

YES, I MADE LOVE WITH H RIGHT UP UNTIL 2 DAYS BEFORE H SERVED ME THE PAPERS.

YES, I felt used. YES, I thought it would keep us connected and give us opportunities for closeness. YES, I thought that through this closeness H would see that we can reconcile this marriage.

I actually have pondered that H emotionally abused me, but that makes me shiver so I try not to.

I did not marry H to divorce H. I tried everything I had to keep this marriage in tact. Maybe it was a mistake, then again maybe not.

My H hated me when he left me in 2005. H has very different feelings about me now, I just guess it was too late for us and I didn't read the signs. OW has her claws dug in deep. H seems to be loyal to her and not his 30 year relationship/marriage and son.

One thing I am not proud of is I let H keep me in limbo right along with him. He could be loving and he quite frankly led me on at least 500 times in the past 3 years. When he was attentive I was as high as a kite...very positive H would come home, always DB every minute. Then H would be with her and it would bring me down into what I called the bottom of the well. At the bottom of the well it was very dark and I could not see light. H never let me stay there very long and he would knock again. Not all of our encounters involved ML although a majority of them did. We ran our company together also right up until 3/13/08 when he ousted me and hired the BFF of the OW. That was a blow. Three weeks later H was back here with me and obviously stayed on the fence until 1.5 weeks ago. I am not convinced H isn't going to jump back on the fence either.

I told H when he served me on 10/3 that he would not be allowed to come over here again for s*x unless the OW was way out of the picture and the D dismissed. H said fair enough.

I am very sorry, I truly enjoyed being with my H. I have questioned many times if it was ML to me and just s*x to him.
Hmmmmmm, I will never really know.

I do know this is an experience I will never be free of. H has caused damage to my emotions that I fear I will never recover from.

I am going to stand a while longer, but H is finally going to realize I am not a fool and I am going to fight for my rights and he will never underestimate me again.

You know naej, when you have been with someone for so long and you think you know them so well you do not want to recognize that they are truly dogs underneath. It is the OW that make them turn on their families and as in my case OW has poisoned H against me all to her own gain. I have personnaly read and heard her words trashing me to H. H is so whipped by her that he seems to hang on her words and trust her.

I am quite sure that OW is after H's money. She's been thru two husbands already. H being #3 doesn't stand much of a chance. I hope H wakes up before it's too late.

OW is so immoral and questionable that I also told H she can have no contact with my son. If H didn't like that, OH WELL.

Thank you for the talk again....I came inside for a break and noticed you had written.

It is probable that I will never hear from H again and that we have had our last encounter. I am going to try and stay strong, I have a lot of healing to do.

Sanderika