I still believe in miracles

[istherehope]

OK,

Changed the email again...Trying to make it lighter and shorter, and not call out any direct references to marriage. The 1st paragraph refers to a show he's absolutely obsessed with. Also, I'm pretty sure that H's love language is words of affirmation, in any case they always go over well, hence the multiple affirmations...I added some things to the last paragraph so that I wasn't ONLY mentioning children. If it sounds OK, I'd really like to keep the reference to kids in as I actually think he might be upset that I wasn't into having any previously. I am being genuine now when I say that I'd like to, BTW. I added skydiving because it's something he's always wanted to do, and I hated the idea--used to be afraid of flying. Now that I've been through THIS, I'm not afraid anymore. I REALLY feel compelled to send something like this, as I don't think I can just show up next Thursday with no talk at all before. Like I said before, I'm going to wait until at least Tuesday to see if H brings something up on his own. I may even wait until Wednesday. I feel like this is a really positive email, not asking for anything, and not being mushy about my own feelings. I would definitely love feedback though, as I might be missing something. I also wanted a lighter way to end the email, and a light subject line, but I am struggling there...

"Hi,

Before I get back, wanted to say it’s been cool hanging out lately. Thank you for taking such good care of the house and pets, and for introducing me to Hollowmen...

I admire you for sharing your feelings around wanting to see how things go, trialling living together, etc., especially when you’re feeling conflicted. This takes courage.

I understand seeing where things go doesn’t equal guarantees. Neither of us wants what we had before. You have new interests, and that’s cool. I’ve learned that relationships are better when people pursue their own interests. You were strong enough to back away once; I know you’d do it again if things weren’t better, and I’d do the same, especially if I ever hurt you again.

I’m open to new experiences now, living and working anywhere, having biological kids, not having any kids, skydiving, running marathons etc., regardless of what happens between you and me. I say this so you know that you’re not the only one who’s changed as a result of this crisis. We’re both better people for it, and you gave me this opportunity to grow and become a more open person.

Thanks for reading; no response needed.
-ITH"

[istherehope]

Oh,

On a non-DB note, I am avoiding my apartment today. I just got a new roommate, and it's a male. I don't like this as it's a 1 bathroom place. On top of it, last night I was taking a bath because I thought he was out. Well there is a semi-transparent window in the bathroom door, but you'd have to really stare to see through it. I looked up and he was STARING through the window, probably because he'd tried to open the door and it was locked. I still haven't met him. I freaked out, got dressed, and hid in my room until he went out last night. I wish I could tell H this story, but he might get mad at me for trying to make him jealous, or feel guilty for not caring or something...

Anyway, I'm mortified!

ITH

[daisy282]

Hey ITH

Sorry you live with a perve! Ahh! That's terrifying!

In regards to the email I guess I am confused as to why you feel you need to send anything to him right now? You say you want to avoid R talks but then you want to send all these deep, personal, R emails. It doesn't make sense to me really. You are bending over backwards so far I'm afraid you are going to snap in half! I hope that doesn't come across to harsh, it just seems a little much given your circumstances. When things are better between the two of you then you can bring up things like skydiving and babies. Not now. It's not the right time. IMHO.

I would really just focus on work, GAL, and moving forward with your own life and try to stop thinking about the best way to make him feel better. Nothing you do or say is going to help him work through his issues. It is something that he needs to tackle on his own, most likely in his cave. So just leave him be.

Writing emails and letters is great but maybe you should just hole onto all these sentiments until you two are in a more stable place and you can express them to him when he will really be able to listen.

I mean I could be wrong, wait and hear from other people. I just personally think you need to back off but it seems like you are always worried about what to say in this email or the next one. Ya know what I mean? There has to be a better, more you centered way to spend your time, even when staying at the house with your hubby.

On a more positive note I think it is a great idea to go dark over the weekend. Even if he reaches out or calls I would keep it light and short like you have been doing while away all this time.

Good luck dear!

[istherehope]

Hi Daisy,

Thanks for that, really. You're right that in general I want to avoid R talks, and you're definitely right that I shouldn't bring up babies and such...

I guess I was thinking that the email would be a pre-emptive move. I am highly nervous about showing up next week without the air being cleared in any way, if that makes sense. If I say nothing before arriving, I am concerned that he will say something harsh to me. If I say something first, then it's nice and validating, and hopefully takes the edge off of my arrival, for my sake more than his.

OK, so at this point I will send nothing, and say nothing, unless he reaches out first. I will be staying dark through Tuesday, though I highly doubt he will hold out that long. At the very least though, I am going to need to remind him that I'm coming on Thursday. He gets so frustrated with the dates. Anyway staying dark on Monday will be good as he will hopefully realize that I'm in Dublin that night, and am not reaching out to him...

I have a feeling he will call me by tomorrow though. I can feel something brewing with him.

Anyway thanks for the reality check.

ITH

[Separated]

ITH ~ That was GREAT advice from Daisy!! I totally agree and was about to tell you that I don't think that it is a good idea to write another email either, until I saw Daisy's post and she took the words out of my mouth .

I do believe that when you sent him the list of dates that he is aware that you are coming back on Thursday. You do not need to keep reminding him. It looks too controlling that you would almost be treating him like a child by reminding him again. He is a big boy you already told him.

Another thing that Daisy mention that is so on point is that yes you do seem to worry too much about how he is feeling and how this will affect him...how about you?? DBing is about taking care of yourself too sweetie!! At this point in time you need to realize that his feelings and how he is acting has nothing to do with you!!! You have been doing so good lately with your PMA and GAL please keep that up!!

Good luck with the new roommate at least that is only for a few more days..YIKES!!!

Hope you get to enjoy the rest of the weekend!!

[istherehope]

Thanks Sep,

Still hanging out at the office to avoid my house...

Tomorrow I fly to Paris, since I'll be working there all day Monday. I won't have any time in Paris though, as I'm staying in a suburb by the MBA campus :(.

You're right, I worry so much about H's feelings. I just have never seen him like this, and it really tears me up. He still thinks (or at least says) that most of this has to do with me or with marriage in general.

Alright, I won't email him about Thursday again, but I do think he may express annoyance with me, and I am tired of dealing with that.

This is a strange time for me, and you and Daisy are both right that I've bent over backwards for H. I mean I am flying back and forth between loads of cities, just to avoid a day in Dublin here and there and protect his feelings. Problem is he has no clue that this has been a sacrifice, and I certainly can't tell him this. It just kills me that he can't see reality, and at this point this does impact everything I do. Well, back to Dublin on Thursday in any case!

Thanks for checking in on me...

ITH

[daisy282]

Hey ITH

I'm sooo glad my post did not offend you. I was worried.

I think you are so strong and amazing. You have been hanging in there through all this madness when most would have walked away a long time ago. I'm so proud of you and how far you have come!

I know this is hard and it seems so looney but you just gotta keep at it. Focus on things that make you feel happy while your hubby works out his issues on his own. Bubble bath (at home not in your apartment again!) is great, listening to music you like, vegging out with a movie, going for a walk, etc. You can do this dear, you just gotta keep your persepective and focus on yourself.

It's all going to be okay.

(((ITH)))

[istherehope]

Hi Daisy,

If I can handle my H telling me being married to me is like prison, and that I am sooo selfish, I can definitely handle a tough post :).

Thanks for the nice words. I wonder how strong I am. I do miss our home and our life so much. We created an adventure together in another country, and it's just not a place that I want to be without my H. Being there this week really drove that home. I will hang in there just as long as I can and as long as he will let me. He's doing the push/pull thing right now. One day he says I may need to let him go, another he is cuddling with me. We have our lease until June in any case, and so maybe this becomes the deadline. I hope it doesn't get to that point though. I believe that things will be better this month, honestly. I just need to become spew resistant.

I am going to do my absolute best in Dublin to make it through. At least I'll be in a place where I can watch English TV etc., little things like that really do make a big difference.

Hope you're doing well today,
ITH

[JCJ]

ITH

I have to say that I thought the same as Daisy; the email is too pressurising and even a bit controlling. I know that you may be apprehensive about the coming weeks but the more relaxed you are the easier it will be. You just have to keep quiet and go with the flow - your h's flow. You relinquish all control and I'm afraid you can't pre-empt anything either. Remember not to assume.

He seems to be getting a bit stressed about you not sending dates. Personally I would just drop him an email tomorrow saying something light like 'just to let you know I will be arriving in Dublin ...'. It will give him more time to prepare and get his head in order.

[istherehope]

Hi Julia,

Thanks for that. I won't be sending the email anymore :). And actually I've booked a hotel for tomorrow night in Dublin, so won't remind him of Dublin. I forwarded him my hotel booking, and told him what it costs, so he knows. If he wants us to save the money, he can let me know.

I will send him an email on Thursday morning with my arrival time if we don't discuss it beforehand. I would be shocked though if he didn't bring something up first. Jody mentioned that he really likes to have control of the sitch, so in fact he may want to preempt me from saying anything.

I guess for him this last week has probably been a really big stress. Hopefully he liked having me there, but must have been overwhelming. Also lots of emails back and forth around dates and such that weren't always happy. Pretty sure he feels like his house of cards is tumbling. Let's just hope that when I'm around he realizes he doesn't have to give everything up to be around me...

I have a long indirect flight to Paris this afternoon, so must head off to get ready now.

At least the next few days will be jam-packed busy, good for distractions!

ITH