The Bumpy Road to Recovery #2

[Jayce]

Diane, how lucky you are to have a guy who knows what's going on with his body and is able to talk freely to you with no hang-ups! I knew a lot of that stuff a long time ago also, and learned waaaay more about it from my "summer reading program" involving -well- everything one ever wanted to know (& some things one didn't want to know) about male plumbing and psychology. I wish my H knew more or wanted to learn on his own.

The curve ball for me is H's admitting no libido AND not caring and the ED coinciding. Even in his 50's w/BP meds there hadn't been a problem after he quit the beta blocker. Didn't usually begin with erection anyway but now came the inability to regain erection if he lost it. I know that bothered him even tho I'd continue stimulation & he would still come. I didn't say anything. I'm sure he was afraid I would.

I will never know if it bothers him that he always needs manual now or if he knows that's natural. If he's concerned about me finding him soft at first touch he'd never say so. Even tho function is better as blood vessels recover from effect of nicotine, he may have some anxiety, but again, he'd never say so. The pills kinda serve to take any anxiety he might have away. But he'd never tell me. As it is, he doesn't say much about any one experience. It was OK or fine or whaddya think? As I've just discovered, it isn't that he's not one to talk after, its because he's a passive-aggressive.

P-A's pretty much never share intimate feelings. (I wonder if he even has any regarding sex since his loss of libido didn't concern him). If he does have intimate feelings, he can't share them. Its part of a P-A's defensive thinking. According to the psych's it is possible to get them to change some of their behaviors, but they probably will never share intimacy other than the act itself. I'm having a problem with that. I need him to be able to express feelings other than anger or dependency. Being together so many years, I'd think the trust issues a P-A has shouldn't be a factor anymore.

At least he seems to be defrosting some with regard to frequency. It seems to be only an accomodation of my expressed needs. His affect is still sorta flat. I don't perceive much enthusiasm or feeling of mutual fun and closeness. Its not "I want you to want me" anymore, its "I want you to want to want me." Sad state of affairs.

Bagh, sorry you felt the need to be defensive. That was in no way meant as personal attack, but a general caution. Did you miss the part about a sense of humor? Oh, I forgot. Guys don't have one when it comes to performance issues. Sorry. Well, a lot of us women don't have one when it comes to feeling our desirability's down the tubes. I'd like my 30 yr old bod back, too.... Altho, come to think of it, it was no match for a bunch of radio controlled model airplanes at the time. (sardonic tone of voice for that last sentence). Of course, back then I was still attractive to other guys. Dating wasn't a problem. Now? this former ironwoman doesn't have the guts to find out.

Anyway, accept my apologies for the unintended insult. That book about the hardness factor was pretty good tho.
Have good weekend, everybody.
Jsyce