I am so sorry for you about your dog. That is a hard thing to add to your situation.
You had responded to me on a different thread, asking about specific examples of being ignored, etc during my marriage. My H also says I read things into what he says, insisting he doesn't mean anything by it, yet other observers have said that he does in fact use insulting, bossy tones of voice. Listening to you it makes me wonder if he really really doesn't know that. It must be frustrating if you feel your W is being vague about what's wrong. I have tried to be specific with my H, though he will almost always claim he doesn't remember.
Some examples: Ignored: If I was speaking to him he would either totally ignore me, start talking to one of the kids or even the dog, change subject and start talking to ME while I'm in midsentence, or just turn to me and say "I don't care about that." (Can't get anymore blunt than that, huh?) If he does answer me it is very gruff, like I am an annoying fly...What? When I would tell him I was lonely and he didn't listen to me, he said no one would want to talk to me. All I do is "run my mouth." I'm sure he couldn't tell you a single detail about my life.
Criticized: We have fought constantly over housework. He wants the house perfectly clean at all times and doesn't care if someone's sick or we've been at practice every night of the week, etc. He will not accept "excuses." He has told me to my face that "the only way to get a person to do something is to criticize them..." I pointed out that he's been criticizing for 14 years and it doesn't seem to be working. He frequently says he's trying "to help me" with his criticism. He acts like a martyr a lot of the time.
Devalued: I would say the above categories have made me feel devalued, but it includes other things like wishing I would dye my hair black...(I have auburn hair). That might sound petty, but it's a subtle example of him consistently implying I'm not acceptable the way I am. He's complained about my prescription medicine costing him money. I was in a car accident and when I called to tell him, the first words out of his mouth were "you know that's going to make my insurance go up, don't you?" Ignoring things like Mother's Day (we have two kids), bringing home an old printer from work and giving it to me for Christmas (we aren't poor), buying me whatever crap he can find at a convenience store for a birthday gift, etc.
Now I will point out that he isn't always like this. Sometimes he is sweet and nice and loving. Some years he might give me a nice gift for a holiday. Some years he acts like it is an absolute inconvenience. Small example, his parents were taking us to Mexico on vacation last February, the week of Valentine's Day. While planning for the trip he suddenly says...I don't have to get you anything for Valentine's Day, right? Since we're going to Mexico? ??? As if he was taking me there. I said...well, I'd like a card. And he said What??? In Spanish? I said you have NINE days to buy a card! Like I wanted a card from him after that. So then on the day, he gives me two cards. And one for every person in the family.
It isn't not receiving gifts that is the problem, it's the attitude that he doesn't want to be bothered about it that upsets me. Receiving gifts isn't even one of my love languages, but his attitude is very hurtful. He also refuses to accept gifts, or says he didn't want anything.
I just never know which side of his personality I'm going to get. But his mood controls all situations.
Don't know if that's helpful at all. I haven't told my story here yet, so I feel like that was just a bunch of complaining.
