I feel like such a loser today. I came home for lunch and just cried and cried. This morning, my ex called me up while I was driving to work and told me that she wanted me to help her paint, install in flooring and do other stuff around her new loft when they move in at the middle of the month. She asked me if I can take a few days off of work to help. Then she told me out of the blue, "you know I am never going to be your girl friend or wife again - that said I need your help with the loft."
I was doing so fine this week until today. Why did she have to say that? I felt like crap the whole day. To make matters worse, my daughter was asking my ex if her friend could pick her up at the daycare and I told me ex that I felt that only I or her should be picking our daughter up. My ex then told me that her friend can pick up our daughter anytime he wants and that she is not going to remove him from our daughters life. She then reminded me that I was the one who left and that her friend was there for our daughter when I wasn't.
Well, I felt even more crappy. I just wish I could run away from everything. I told me ex that I understand and left it at that. I felt like a my stock went down a few points because of that conversation. Whenever my ex feels that I am jealous of her best friend, I know her image of me lessens. I really try not to bring up her friend or say positive things about him, but who knows.
Sometimes I wonder if I am only setting myself up for greater pain later by trying to reconcile. I know I will feel better tomorrow, but today that is just how I am feeling and I know that there are going to be more days like this until things get better. But in the mean time I will cry, shout and feel defeated - and yet somehow garner the strength to keep pressing on regardless of how I feel at the moment. I have to stay focus on the end goal here.
okay, my ex came to visit for a little bit and we were discussing what we were going to wear for Halloween. That should be fun. We are ordering the costumes tonight. Each year we always dress up and have a good time, especially now since our daughter is getting older.
It's amazing the type of emotions that one goes through in just one day. I feel a lot better now. In a previous post, someone said not to believe like 90% of what you hear and only 50% of what you see. I think that is so true. I just need to work on my emotional stamina I guess.
Have you read posts by bridgestone or smartcookie? They may help you understand some of what your wife might be feeling and how she might be trying to protect herself from being hurt by you. bridgestone is in the WAS forum and smartcookie is in newcomers.
I'd guess that your ex said that as much to herself as to you.
There's more I could comment on, but will leave it at that. lodo
Just want to give a quick update about my weekend. Yesterday my ex called me up and was telling me about her family and how selfish they can be. She then told me that she is grateful that I am no longer that way. This morning she called me up at around 3 am or so to tell me about a dream she had while she was sleeping. We talked for about 20 minutes about her dream and it was quite funny.
Anyway, off to bed. I know that I still got a lot of work ahead of me, but just wanted to share that with you all.
Possibly she just wants the sense that they will stick.
Hi Breton39/Lodo, I hope your right. Odd thing is, I'm beginning to see changes in myself. I really was a jerk when I was married. I think my ex's love language is service and gifts. I was thinking the other day how when we were married, she would make comments about me leaving a mess in bathroom in the morning when I was getting ready to go to work. It's amazing how little things matter.
Today when she came to pick up our daughter, she asked if I wouldn't mind dropping her/our daughter off at her place as she was feeling tired. This is the second time in about a month she has asked me to do this - so I did and she left her SUV at my place. So I am going to get up in the morning and wash/clean her car. Yesterday we went to the park after work and had a good time running around with our daughter. We then went shopping for a gift for a baby shower she is attending tomorrow.
Overall, we have been having good conversations. I've been real good at not calling her and letting her initiate the call. I've notice that she is calling me a lot more in the mornings before work since I've started this "no first call policy." It's still tough sometimes as I still miss her a lot at times, but I've notice that I am finally getting to a place where I can function more normally without feeling sad or depress so frequently. That doesn't mean I don't have my moments, but overall I'm getting a much better grip on life.
The inspections went well for the loft and I cut the check today for the down payment. The closing date is at the end of the month. My ex told me that I am responsible for decorating our daughter's new bed room. I'm taking a couple of days off of work at the end of the month to paint, install some flooring, move furniture, etc. I don't know how I'm doing it at times, but I know that these next few months are really going to test my resolve/faith to reconcile our marriage.
But overall, things are going good. I will keep you all posted. Off to bed as it is really late up.
Today has been such a discouragement. My ex went to a baby shower today while I took care of our daughter. Later this evening, her friend that is having the baby called me up. I hadn't spoken to this person in a long time. Anyway, she was telling me that she told my ex that she should give me a second chance and that people do change. She said that my ex told her that she would never go back to me after what I did to her. Her friend told me that my ex got pretty upset when she told her that.
When my ex came to pick up our daughter, I could tell she was upset. She told me what her friend had told her at the baby shower and then proceeded to tell me that she doesn't trust me and would never trust me enough to have a relationship again. She didn't say much after that and took our daughter home. She seemed to really be in a rush to go home.
I don't know what to make of this or if I should just blow it off. But it did feel like a knife went straight through my heart and made me question if it was even worth the effort. I know that trust is going to take time to rebuild, but sometimes I feel like she has already made up her mind to never trust me again regardless of what I do. I feel like we've made progress, but I don't understand why she feels the need to make comments insinuating that we are not getting back together every now and then.
I don't know - I am confused today. Her friend told me she didn't know what to make of the situation and that I should stick it through for about a year and an half of so to see if things can work out. I'm not ready to give up yet, but today didn't help things at all. I don't really know what motivated her friend to tell my ex what she did. I've never really spoken to this friend of hers much over the last few years, so who knows.
I am really in the dumps right now. I feel like begging, pleading, pouring out my heart to my ex right now to take me back. I know I can't and won't - but I am hurting so badly right now. Just when I thought I was getting normal, I come crashing down. For whatever reason, I am especially missing my daughter right now. I wish I was putting her to bed and watching her sleep.
Life seems so pointless right now and I just can't stop crying. I feel so alone and nothing right now seems to numb the pain. I know tomorrow will be a better day, but right now I just feel like quitting. I am so mad at myself, I feel broken and lost.
The thing is, I have never had a girl friend, a lover, etc other than my ex. She and my daughter are the only family I have ever known. I feel like my whole world is falling apart and that I am being sent like a lamb to the slaughter. I want my ex/daughter to be happy more than anything in the world. I love them with all my heart and only want whats best for them.
Okay, breathe. Cold shower. I will be alright, but just had to vent.
