Hello to all you wonderful guys that have come here to support me. On the Edge, you said something that I have realized I was doing, and that was bringing up my age and that of my H. I suppose it was b/c I realized that the majority of this community on the bb is much younger than I am......maybe a few that aren't telling (lol) are as old or even older. But, you are right, I need to stop doing that.
When I was in an EA with OM, I was drawn to him first of all b/c of how he made me feel. I was in a place that I needed to feel young, pretty and sexy. He gave that back to me for a short period of time. But, it was not his place to do that.....it should have been my H's. The sad part is that after I stopped the contact with OM, it was like my body just gave up. My spirit or self esteem or something was broken (in some strange way) and I could not find the desire to fix myself up and look younger, sexier, etc. I do feel "old" and I thought maybe I should just accept it and stop trying to fight it b/c that was the thing I was having a problem with at the time OM came along. The thought of turning 60 was hitting so hard. I suppose I thought the more I admitted my age and "being old", the more I could accept the cold hard facts......lol. However, you are right and I have over done that! So, as of right now......I will stop doing that. This is after any posts I may have already written tonight...lol. So, that is my 180!
Mr. Fix It......(((hugs))) to you. My heart hurts so much now b/c I remember very well when you first came on board. I am so sorry for the loss and the pain you are feeling right now. I do believe you have improved as an individual person......and as a man......very much. I don't know that that helps your feelings, but I remember telling you how proud I was of you the last few times we talked. That wasn't exactly the approach that I took in the first post I sent you, was it? (lol) I only wish I could make this better for you. Believe me when I say that anytime a person changes for the better.....their work has not been in vain. That is why I told you to make the changes for yourself and not to get your wife back again. Even though you are hurting, you will make this.....okay? You will survive this and come out okay. If this had happen before you came on board....I don't think you would have been okay, so that is how much you have improved! I hope you will start another thread. Come back here to tell me what forum you are in b/c I don't want to lose contact. We are still here for you. There are a lot of people whose M did not last, but they are still here. This is a place for therapy. You still need us to talk to, cry, or blow off steam......just like I've been doing the past few days. It helps a lot. The friends I've made here on DB are very special.
All of you have meant the world to me to come here and just let me know that you care. Just b/c I've been around a while doesn't mean my M doesn't need improvements. It was two years ago this month that I got involved in a EA and didn't even recognize it as being that. It was just.....more like.....entertainment b/c I was so bored and lonely. Then it turned into more ego food, and then more.....emotional needs being met. If it had not been for finding the people here on this board and the fact that they did not treat me ugly b/c I was a AWAW......I don't think I could have stayed in my M. It has taken me a very long time, as you can see, just trying to hang in here. I do want to "try" again and I do want to have a "desire" again. It is sooooo hard when you don't have those feelings. I know, I know......do it anyway. I've read the book!
Okay, guys, I am going to make two goals here. I say only two at first, b/c I am the type that would go over-board and make too many that I could not reach and then give up. So, as I said, my 180 and my first goal is to not refer to my age or getting older, etc. If any of you catch me......call my hand on it b/c I think I've allowed it to become a habit now. Then the second is to stop acting like a "victum" to my health. That one will be very difficult, so please......I need you all to help me with that one. I have talked about my health as much, if not more, than my M problems. It has taken control of my life and I want to take my life back again! Until I can do that....I just don't think I will have the physical energy or mental motivation that I need to make improvements in my M. I need a lot of prayer for that to happen. I have been through a lot of things, but nothing like this physcial chronical problem. I have a fear of becoming totally disabled. I share that with you so that you might pray for me if it is God's will that I won't be disabled and that I will regain my life and be more the way I once was. With God's help and you all encouraging me......(and getting on my case when I need it).....I am going to try a lot harder to NOT allow my physical problems to constantly dictate my life. Don't let me talk like I am feeling sorry for Sandi.....or that I can't do certain things b/c of my Fibromyalgia. I need words of understanding b/c I have had enough of the "other side" to last a lifetime. However, when you see that I am falling down on my goals.....just tell me.
Well, I've talked long enough about this. Thanks again to all of you. I didn't call everyone's name, but each of you and your posts meant so much.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
