Tipper, it's a nightmare, isn't it. You want to help them so much. You rack your brain thinking there must be just the right words to find to say to them to make them see the light. You're constantly searching for the solution to the problem. But the fact is there is not much you can do or say. You can cry, you can get angry, you can beg, you can threaten to leave -- to no avail. It's their problem not yours. Perhaps the one thing that may work is an intervention. Otherwise he needs to make the decision to quit or get help himself.
You hear a lot of people say that addicts need to hit rock bottom before they decide to get help. For some, rock bottom is too late. But for others, perhaps a DWI, or an accident can help them see the light. They get busted or worse and suddenly they're in trouble and their party life is over.
I read once that personal, social and perhaps legal problems that would cause any reasonable person to conclude that their drinking habits should be curtailed or eliminated, do not seem to have much effect on those who are alcohol dependent, at least not in the long run. And the reason is denial that they have a problem. It's only when the consequences of their drinking becomes painful enough will they reach out for help.
I didn't harp on my H to quit, but he knew, and still knows, how I feel. He's an alcoholic. He's addicted. Even knowing that his drinking could end our M didn't reach my H. He asked me many months ago, when the fantasy of the A was obviously done (thanks to the OW going AWOL), if I wanted to be with him with everything was over. I told him I didn't know. And then I told him why, because of his drinking -- I didn't know if I wanted to be married to an alcholic. He understood. But it sure didn't make him change his ways. Nope, not at all.
I think it's good that you've started to decline seeing your H when he blows you off. Have you told him why? Maybe if he sees he could lose you, it will help. But I don't know if it will.
Does the tough love approach seem to reach him at all? Does he know that the drinking is a deal breaker for you (assuming it is)? What do you think he would do if, after 6 months of piecing, you told him all deals were off unless he gets help? Do you think he's an alcoholic or does he have a drinking problem?
I'll have to seek out your thread. I wish I had the magical answer or solution, but I don't and I'm so sorry. Don't enable him (it sounds like you're doing that already). I hear Alanon is pretty good but I haven't gone down that road myself.
