I'll give you a perspective that I had. I went through the same thing with my ex. He wouldn't give up the OW. We separated on the notion that we needed time apart because we were just too angry at each other.
I lost tremendous amounts of weigh too with the constant worry, carpet bombs I had, etc. It was a situation that did involve more than yours...there was an addiction component to it. But we were separated and talking for the first 5-6 months. He was fence sitting. I didn't "get" it then I had to change. My thoughts then were to wait for HIM to realize his stupidity. I was very wrong.
I lost my faith over a few events that I just couldn't take any longer. Namely the OW was pretty flagrant...would call, email me, stalk me, etc. I was losing it and the ex would insist it was my fault we didn't get along. What a crock o'crap! I think I was being tested. I should have just gone dark on him completely and said "ok, I don't care what happens here." But instead, I kept plugged into his life when clearly things were too antagonistic.
Suicide is not the answer. No matter how this pans out, life awaits you. In the meantime, like techguy says...get yourself a life.
Cake eaters are very confused people. They will put you into some type of competition with the OM/OP. Don't think like that. What you are doing is great...treatment for anger, coaching, counseling. Still, you are focused on the R with your W. Broaden your perspective. Love yourself first. Get a life. Pick up an old hobby. Dig up old friends or buddies and go out to a ball game or shoot some pool and drinks some beers. Don't look pathetic in her eyes.
Don't even respond to the W's statements about what she thinks she can or can do re loving you. Don't even get involved in R talks with her now. In fact, it might be a good idea to disengage a bit wtih the chores at her house. That's encouraging the cake walking, no? Maybe...not now...but after you've got a bit of time here, get her involved in some interesting way in your life. Ask her to join in on one of your newly established activities if you can.
You need to get a life to stop this from mentally killing you. Your mind is spinning, like a hamster on a wheel. You need to stop that...your W most certainly has her radar about that and is picking up on it. You need to make yourself more attractive to her...not only physically but mentally and emotionally as well.
The hard part is that this stuff really is NOT intuitive. You need to resist doing what you most want to do right now...to restore the relationship back to where you're back together physically. That's not possible now. It probably took you a long time to get to this point. Time is your ally. It will take you a long time to have a new and improved M with your wife if things work out. You won't go back to the old M. You can't. If you want to remain married, you need to show her your changes and willingness to have a fluid and dynamic relationship.
