Please remind me why I need to state the rules I expect from him. I have stated them half a dozen times in the past year. This is the third time I have said what I needed since H moved back in with me in July.
He knows the "rules", he ignores them or says he "wants" to follow them but somehow he "can't".
I think I am about ready to just skip to the "consequences" part........
And I will not attack. I will be something I never am when I am upset with H..........calm, quiet, cool. He won't know what to do with that.
I would say he cares, I would just say he isn't committed in a way that makes it important for him to listen.
We talk about values vs ideals in Retro. If you say something is a value but don't put time/effort into it, then it is really an ideal you would LIKE to have as a value.
So, in this case, I would think if H can't recall what is expected of him, or can't do what is expected of him, then having a strong relationship with me is an ideal,not a value.... In other words, it is something he SAYS is important to him, yet his actions show he does not value it as much as he claims.........
You need to take this slow and be clear. State the rules. Say "do you understand whay I need?" Then tell him the consequences. Don't give him a chance to say he didn't understand or know.
Good thing H doesn't get in until almost midnight...
Right now I want to just slap him good.
H just called a few minutes ago, I was in the car driving w S6 talking to me in the backseat.
It was loud, airport noise in the background, he was hard to hear. He said his flight was leaving Calgary at 3:15 and getting into Houston at 8:15. Then he got into Omaha at 10.
I wasn't sure I heard right, that didn't seem possible to me. So I asked, "So you get into Houston at 8:15 and get to Omaha at 10?"
H gets snarly and says "OK you can look it up if you don't want to believe me--"
I cut him off and said, "No, I was just checking to make sure I heard right b/c it is loud in your airport and loud in the car w/S6."
H says, "Well then you should have said that."
I said, "So it is one hour earlier where you are, not one hour later". The other night I am sure he said it was an hour later where he was which confused me as I thought he was in Calgary...
H snips at me, "No, it is later where I am, it gets dark later, etc...We are an hour behind you."
I said, "I am thinking in terms of time. It is 3:45 here and 2:45 there, so it is later here...behind makes sense to me"
H, "Fine, okay." He is acting annoyed like I have done something?
I said "Okay, so you get to Houston around 8 and get home around 10. Have a safe flight."
Went straight in the house and looked online. He gets into Houston at 8 but into Omaha at 11. Grr. I knew it couldn't be 10. That isn't even the point. Point is, he got all bent out of shape for me double checking to make sure I heard him correctly.
Yet I am trying to be freaking Mary Sunshine while he blows off my last attempt at saving our marriage...........................................
You are right. Everything you say is right. Unfortunately, being right isn't getting you where you want to go. I wonder... if he is wrong about so many things when dealing with you, is he also making mistakes at work. Unless he was in Toronto, and not Calgary, he was clearly in an earlier time zone. Does he say these weird things to everyone, and does he snap at them when they question it?
Bbj, I ve been watching you getting all worked up all the time he is away. You've been alone and replaying everything in your head. I agree with you and with what most friends have told you BUT, try to not lose your goal out of your sight.
You think you've been changing and you have been, I can remember all the discussions back months ago and your letter was definitely different. Still, I believe that if you attack him all you will get will be "what did I do worng this time? Haven't I been calling upbeat and caring? Havent I been contacting you? I was on business trip, you know that!!" You sent him the letter which I dont think he expected. Not a letter like that. To reply only would seem a lot of work to him. Give him the benefit of concetration and time. I am not a wimp and you know it, but I do think you are loosing your patience and you may end up somewhere based of very high expectations. Not high expectations for a ralationship, high expectations from DAN at this certain point. He needs to change. Change takes time. You are ahead of him by months now. Before you proceed to the "consequences" part, be calm within about it. Love K
I am just frustrated. I don't want to be back to last spring. I feel like we are falling backward instead of going forward. Miscommunication, crabbiness, me holding in what I think, him holding in what he thinks, these are not steps forward.
I am going to simmer for awhile as I don't really know what I want to do next. I am sure H will come in at midnight and want to go right to bed as he will have been on and off of planes for 9 hours...
You just said it, he is not moving forward you are back (partly) to old behaviours... Change the part you control Bbj, that's you. Including being firmer and clearer as everybody suggested... Keep your chin up, xxxx K
