My H finds this very hard to believe and so i was fasinated when you said - this often happens . Why does this happen ?
It's because affair are mostly not about the sex. Good Sex naturally follows in a good relationship. In a good relationship, you feel close to someone else, you want to comfort them, they want to care for you, and you can. Mutually, everything fits together. You love each other, and there is room for each individual, and room for the kids, other family, friends. I can have sex with my wife, and look my mother in the eye the next day. It's right. Everything is right in the world.
An affair is the opposite. Everything is upside down in the world. The participants know, deep down, it is wrong. That alone is good enough reason for the sex to be horrible. There is no room for anyone else. If anyone else were to find out, it would mean condemnation and censure. The man wants to have sex but he knows this is not a good thing, it's not right. So he just cannot. If you have sex with someone who is not your spouse, the next day you cannot bear to look your own parents in the eye.
I read a bunch of books on affairs and this was a consistent theme. More often than not, the sex is no good. It's rotten, because the relationship is rotten. We talk about how an afair hurts the left-behind spouse. But an affair also damages the participants, more than they realize.
