I guess it's over

[NikB]

Trixi... long post warning, I'm dedicating my lunch hour to you. (OK well lunch 20 minutes which is about all I have time for lately!).

I wish the financial market wasn't in such a tizzy. So much of the "problem" is actually caused by panic being compounded on itself and not really reality.

Totally agree!! I can't believe how many people are selling their stocks/mutual funds/401Ks - taking huge losses and tax hits and all kinds of stuff. Yeah my 401K is down by like 20%.. who cares? The money's only a loss on paper until you sell it! I actually wish I had more available cash to invest right now.. sooo many things are under-valued, and I really think people who are investing wisely are going to make a fortune when the market turns around. I'm sure you see it in real estate too - there are some serious bargains to be had, if you've got the free cash.

OK sorry.. rant over..

I decided to pull up all my posts on this board. I started posting here in December of 2004. August of 2005 he was saying he didn't think he wanted to be married- THREE years ago. (And before that, too, but I mostly was struck how August seems to be a really bad time of year for us.)

Wow... as much as I've followed your story I didn't realize it was THAT long ago. By the time you got here in 2004 I'm sure you knew something wasn't right and hadn't been for awhile - so you've actually been at this for almost 4 years. Plus however long before that things felt "off." ((((Trixi)))) I am so sorry, that is a very long time!

Interesting that you see a pattern in August. Are there big dates in August, like anniversaries? Our "bad" time was October for 2 years.. right after my birthday and same month as our anniversary. (THIS October's finally been good, thank goodness!). I just find the patterns really strange.

And as I go back and read about him staying out til 4am with no phone call and then telling me that "that's just how he is" I can see that he was trying to get me to do the dirty work.

Maybe.. or being really immature just to see how much he could get away with.

I love him deeply, but I will no longer be played/used.

Good for you!!

Now.. figure out what it is that gives you this "girl power" and find ways you can enhance it.

Maybe not the most positive thing in the world but for awhile there singing along at the top of my lungs to "To the Left" and "Next Time That He Cheats" were both very therapeutic and got me thinking "Damn right I'm worth more than this!"

What does it for you?

Whatever "it" is - I suggest doing/saying/singing it daily for awhile, or even more often. Sometimes you'll already feel strong anyway, but this will help you KEEP that going on the days when you start off feeling a little weaker. Make sense?

I need to accept that he is not capable of being married (to me at the very least, and maybe not to anyone.) This really IS all about him and not about ME. Not to say I am perfect; but I have given all I had (and more) to try to put our marriage on the right track.

You are so right about all of this.

My Dad told me last night about an interesting "exercise" his C made him do, which was to step back and look at the situation objectively and write out some "cold hard truths" about it. (for reference he's been separated from my stepmom for about 18 months and they're just now filing for D and he found out she's started dating - so he's been kind of a wreck). Now he's supposed to be reading these daily until they sink in. He said his logical side finally gets it, and "emotions follow logic" - his emotions are getting there.

His cold hard truths were:

1. WAW does not love, admire, or respect me.
2. WAW felt that she had no other choice but to leave. She did not believe things could be different, and she will never believe that.
3. She is not coming back.
4. I deserve to be with someone who loves, admires, and respects me.
(he had a few more but these were the ones that struck me)

I nearly cried my eyes out listening to all this but it was interesting how detached he sounded about it all. Not "numb" detached, but "acceptance and letting go" detached.

I also found #3 interesting. Reading it by itself it sounds positive but it becomes a "cold hard truth" when the one you love isn't reciprocating... woah.

I think your "truths" are a little different, but thought I'd share my Dad's exercise in hopes it might help you too.

And somehow, he ALWAYS tries to blame ME for this not working out and how I shouldn't have 'let' him do things or I should have 'made' him not want to go out. OMG!

Which brings me to... cold hard truth #1 in your sitch (IMO) is that your H is irresponsible and immature, and shows no signs of changing that. Given what you've been through, even if he DID change it, what would it take for you to trust the change? Months? Years? He's shown he can string you along for quite awhile, so I think it would take a LONG time for you to trust it.

I have been hearing this for OVER THREE YEARS! How could I be SO blind??

Cause ya love the man and you have a very kind, generous, caring heart! So generous that you'll give when you shouldn't anymore. (((Trixi)))

What else I discovered,in reviewing my old posts, is that I would feel like I was at the end of my rope and I would say that I didn't think I could go on much longer--and yet, here I am THREE years later! Holy CRAP!

That's a great realization, I think.. in good and bad ways. I hope it helps give you some kind of clarity on what to do now.

But now I am SO afraid of the financial sitch it is hard for me to want to press forward.

Have you checked into the legalities in your state?

I know when my parents D'd there was a "clause" where my Dad didn't have to pay spousal support after my Mom finished school and became employed - but if something happens to where she's laid off or otherwise unable to work she gets temporary support. You might be able to do something like this? Or, would you get a chunk of cash in the D that would give you a cushion?

If it really DOES take two years from the divorce decree to heal, I want to get on with it. I am still sad/disappointed/feel-like-I-failed-somehow that the sitch has come to this, but what else can I do???

I doubt it's got much to do with the decree - my bet is it has more to do with fully accepting and letting go. And I DO think you're getting there, as hard as it is.

YOU did not fail in your R or M. Sad and disappointed I totally understand - but you have done everything you could and then some. Your H is missing out on a wonderful, kind, generous, dedicated, loyal, loving, (and I could go on!) woman.

I know this is so tremendously sad but I also know you can pick yourself up and move forward - and eventually have someone in your life who actually DESERVES you.

(((Trixi)))