Hope4us struggle, part 9 or 10 or whatever

[whatdidido]

I'm sure I do this to my H as well. Shopping was one of my excuses as well. I also used to shop to get new stuff for me FOR OM. So selfish.

Remind yourself that she is reaching out to YOU. This is going to take time. She HAS made a commitment to you by reading that book.

Question...did she ever go through a period of depression? Not wanting to shop, just lay down, etc.?

[Hope4us]

Thanks guys. I'm getting through it. Of course a lot of it will depend on how long she's gone tomorrow. If it's only for a couple hours, no big deal, but if it's a 6 hour shopping trip, then I'll probably trigger even worse. The only thing I keep telling myself is, it doesn't really matter if she's doing something with OM (or a new OM) right now, because it doesn't affect my plan forward, so I need to act "as if" she's completely legit. And if OM was coming up to visit I'm sure she'd have made an excuse to go out tonight too, but she's sent me an IM asking if I wanted to go with her to get a new cell phone tonight as her contract is up and her current one only holds a charge for a couple hours at best. It's hard though.

WDID. She hasn't said to me whether she'll read the book or not. I know she picked it up a couple times because the book was in a different position on the end table, but for about the last week the book hasn't moved so I'm assuming she's not looking at it. Does that mean she won't read it period? I don't know, but I do know it's just another thing that makes me not care if we work out or not. Obviously I still care, but it's getting harder and harder. Yes, she did have some periods of depression. When I first exposed to the kids she would spend lots of time in the bedroom alone, probably 2-3 weeks. Not every night, but more often than not. But that ended. And then again with spending time in the bedroom and not talking to me much when I told her about OM lying to her about getting a divorce so they could be together. That lasted a week or maybe a little more. So I'm surmising that after the exposure to the kids she told OM it was over (in her mind, but he had moved on already) but I think they were still talking to each other while at work after that. Then when I told her about him lying to her I'm guessing that's when she quit talking to him for good. If that's the case, she's only been NC for about 2.5 months. And if that's true, her moods the last couple weeks (since my F you kind of email) would be right on track for her starting to come out of the fog.

On the plan going forward front. My boss has talked to me about a couple jobs and the one I really want is opening up at the end of the month, so we'll see what happens there. I do know that if I'm offered the job I'm going to tell her I don't want her to move with us unless she's serious about trying which means reading books, maybe Retro, getting rid of the affair stuff and more openess and honesty with me. I think she's being as open as she can be without giving up the independence she craves so much, but it's not enough for me. And for her to give up the affair stuff would be her admitting that she cares what I think. And I just don't see that being compatable with her quest for independence right now. So I'm guessing it's going to take something drastic like S16 and I moving before she'll wake completely up.

Lots to ponder.

[whatdidido]

2.5 months is not a lot of time....keep that in mind.

[Hope4us]

Well, I understand WDID. 2.5 months isn't lots of time. But its been 13 months since I found out about the affair and about 19 months since I first suspected something was going on. So yeah, it's early on for her, but an eternity to me. And I'm slowly losing whatever love I have left for her. I just hope by the time she figures out what she wants, if it's me, I still care.

[kat727]

I think you need to look back and reread some of whatdid's early posts. She was very emotional, very confused and very vunerable. This may give you some better ideas of what is going on in your wife's mind.

kat

[whatdidido]

I understand, h4u. (((((h4u))))))

[whatdidido]

That's a good idea, Kat. I can't even look at them, myself, yet.....so that can tell ya how much it affects a wayward spouse.

[Hope4us]

Thanks guys. I understand what's going on in her head, probably too well. But the difference between my W and WDID is, WDID was making an effort. My W won't even get rid of ONE PAIR OF FREAKIN UNDIES! She won't read a book. She won't spend two days with me at Retro.

Why? Because she is so stubborn that if she did any of that and found out the affair was not justified and she does have feelings for me she would have to admit that it was F'd up, and I truly believe she'd rather be divorced and put her kids through that mess than admit that maybe, just maybe, she was at fault. See, if she doesn't do anything to try to make the marriage work and we divorce she can hold on to the idea that "I've never loved H4U" and "I've been miserable for a long time". S16 said to me the other night, the day W had slapped him on the leg and was bit*hin at him, "she'll never change. She NEVER admits she's wrong about anything". If a 16 yr old can see that, why do I hang on?

I'll say this for anyone who is newer reading my threads. I know I contributed to the condition of the marriage that let this happen. I've been working for over a year to demonstrate the changes I've made/am making. I probably took my wife and kids for granted. Not on purpose, but climbing the corporate ladder to give them what I think they deserve, and getting too comfortable in the marriage so I lost sight of what was IMPORTANT. But if she's not willing to do ANYTHING to see if we can make it work, what's the point?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think she's being as open as she can be without giving up the independence she craves so much, but it's not enough for me. And for her to give up the affair stuff would be her admitting that she cares what I think. And I just don't see that being compatable with her quest for independence right now.

H4U,

Actually, I was going to suggest this even before I read the above, but now all the moreso. And it's just a thought, but ....

Your wife strikes me as stubborn. I mean, hell-bent, OFF-THE-CHARTS stubborn. A lot like the fetching Mrs. Puppy, in fact.

Do you think she's maybe switching cellphones and numbers as a way to permanently get away from OM contact, but is just too stubborn to tell you? More broadly, do you think maybe she's giving you 100% no-contact and 100% transparency, but just isn't going to give YOU the satisfaction of having DONE it?????

My wife, I firmly believe, ended up getting that damned STD test that I fought her so much over, if you read my old sitch. I just think she wasn't willing to tell me.

Just a thought.

Puppy

[Hope4us]

She's not changing cell phone numbers. Just a new phone. And there's no way she will ever get completely away from OM unless she quits her job. He's 250 miles away, but works for our company as a contractor, so there's always email, phone, IM. But again, I seriously doubt they're talking. I truly think the night a couple months ago when I told her about him lying to her about divorce it was probably the final nail in the affair coffin. I think prior to that she probably still kept talking to him while "trying" with me so she could then say to the kids "see I tried with your dad and it didn't work but see how happy OM makes me". But with the look on her face when I told her he was lying to her, I think she finally understood he was just using her.

Oh yes. The queen of stubborn. Our marriage will probably end because for it to make it would take her admitting she did something wrong. I actually think that the part of my F you email that said "what are you afraid of, that you might actually have feelings for me and then this affair would have all been a waste" might have had some impact with her. But only time will tell.

And yes, I agree. She is so stubborn that she knows she should get rid of the undies, glass etc and continue NC, but because it's something I want, she refuses because that would be her giving in to me which is something she claims she's done our whole marriage and she will NO LONGER CHANGE FOR ANYONE (that's what she told me 6 months ago).

So...double stubborn. To do what I need to heal and for our marriage to have a chance would be for her to do exactly opposite of what this affair was all about, IMHO. And you're right. I think she's trying to do those things, but without telling me so she can maintain her "control" over the situation. I think she feels if she gives in to anything I want, that things will go back to what they were before, which in her opinion were so terrible.

Ok, gotta run.