Hope4us struggle, part 9 or 10 or whatever

[Hope4us]

Thanks guys. I'm getting through it. Of course a lot of it will depend on how long she's gone tomorrow. If it's only for a couple hours, no big deal, but if it's a 6 hour shopping trip, then I'll probably trigger even worse. The only thing I keep telling myself is, it doesn't really matter if she's doing something with OM (or a new OM) right now, because it doesn't affect my plan forward, so I need to act "as if" she's completely legit. And if OM was coming up to visit I'm sure she'd have made an excuse to go out tonight too, but she's sent me an IM asking if I wanted to go with her to get a new cell phone tonight as her contract is up and her current one only holds a charge for a couple hours at best. It's hard though.

WDID. She hasn't said to me whether she'll read the book or not. I know she picked it up a couple times because the book was in a different position on the end table, but for about the last week the book hasn't moved so I'm assuming she's not looking at it. Does that mean she won't read it period? I don't know, but I do know it's just another thing that makes me not care if we work out or not. Obviously I still care, but it's getting harder and harder. Yes, she did have some periods of depression. When I first exposed to the kids she would spend lots of time in the bedroom alone, probably 2-3 weeks. Not every night, but more often than not. But that ended. And then again with spending time in the bedroom and not talking to me much when I told her about OM lying to her about getting a divorce so they could be together. That lasted a week or maybe a little more. So I'm surmising that after the exposure to the kids she told OM it was over (in her mind, but he had moved on already) but I think they were still talking to each other while at work after that. Then when I told her about him lying to her I'm guessing that's when she quit talking to him for good. If that's the case, she's only been NC for about 2.5 months. And if that's true, her moods the last couple weeks (since my F you kind of email) would be right on track for her starting to come out of the fog.

On the plan going forward front. My boss has talked to me about a couple jobs and the one I really want is opening up at the end of the month, so we'll see what happens there. I do know that if I'm offered the job I'm going to tell her I don't want her to move with us unless she's serious about trying which means reading books, maybe Retro, getting rid of the affair stuff and more openess and honesty with me. I think she's being as open as she can be without giving up the independence she craves so much, but it's not enough for me. And for her to give up the affair stuff would be her admitting that she cares what I think. And I just don't see that being compatable with her quest for independence right now. So I'm guessing it's going to take something drastic like S16 and I moving before she'll wake completely up.

Lots to ponder.