I guess it's over

[Trixi]

I wish the financial market wasn't in such a tizzy. So much of the "problem" is actually caused by panic being compounded on itself and not really reality. Even I am freaking out; but that is because I feel helpless as I watch other people freak out and do things that perpetuate the downward spiral. I wish everyone would just chill out and take a step back and not knee-jerk.
I see this sort of like when one spouse criticizes the other one over and over and the criticized spouse's self esteem takes a beating and they start to really believe the criticism. Even if it isn't based in reality. And then, that poor spouse starts to act in ways that "validate" the negative comments. Sigh.

Anyhoo-this financial sitch is NOT helping me do what I know I need to do. And that is file.

I decided to pull up all my posts on this board. I started posting here in December of 2004. August of 2005 he was saying he didn't think he wanted to be married- THREE years ago. (And before that, too, but I mostly was struck how August seems to be a really bad time of year for us.)

I have been fighting this battle for OVER three years. And as I go back and read about him staying out til 4am with no phone call and then telling me that "that's just how he is" I can see that he was trying to get me to do the dirty work.

He would get hot and cold over and over. And when he was 'hot' it would "feed" me enough to try to stick it out thru the 'cold'. Sort of like this year. He came back with enthusiasm and gusto. Made it seem like I was *Finally* going to be able to stop this train. And then he flakes out.

I love him deeply, but I will no longer be played/used.

I need to accept that he is not capable of being married (to me at the very least, and maybe not to anyone.) This really IS all about him and not about ME. Not to say I am perfect; but I have given all I had (and more) to try to put our marriage on the right track.
And somehow, he ALWAYS tries to blame ME for this not working out and how I shouldn't have 'let' him do things or I should have 'made' him not want to go out. OMG! I have been hearing this for OVER THREE YEARS! How could I be SO blind??

What else I discovered,in reviewing my old posts, is that I would feel like I was at the end of my rope and I would say that I didn't think I could go on much longer--and yet, here I am THREE years later! Holy CRAP!

But now I am SO afraid of the financial sitch it is hard for me to want to press forward.

If it really DOES take two years from the divorce decree to heal, I want to get on with it. I am still sad/disappointed/feel-like-I-failed-somehow that the sitch has come to this, but what else can I do???