Trying2live- the new post 1

[hope3343]

Hi Tx Mom, looks like we both are up. Sounds like H is going through some growing pains. First the big 4-0 birthday could be bothering him especially since he is in a MLC fog. Don't make a big thing about the dinner. give him his card and let him deal with his family. It will make him think more. I know you were looking forward to the dinner but it is only a temporary setback.
Like the advice you got from atty. I have not gone yet. Will not go till I feel I need it or legal questions. If H asks about D then I will think more and question everything.
I agree with the C about not validating OW even though it is my worst downfall. I have been successful since Sunday not to mention OW. Not that I don't think about her, obsess about her, and try to rid all thoughts about her but not mention her to H. Her daughter is getting married Sat and I know H went away with her to McAllen on friday night but H was here Sun,Mon,Tues,Wed and even today. She might be busy with the wedding so maybe that is why he has been around but I am hoping that it is cooling off (I could only hope). I will be able to gage better next week if he is around less.
I did not get my book yet. I keep rereading divorce busting. I understand it and want it to sink in more

[Trying2live]

Jumping on quick, you all have a great day tomorrow. Stay strong and GAL!
I have no expectations for tomorrow except for maybe having a stinking rotten amazing time with my lil ones!

So I just sent H a text message saying where to meet the guy to pick up our tickets(got em off ebay and wayyyy cheap!). And he responds okay and asks if the kids are excited. I say we are all stupid excited and we can't wait. He says me to and go to bed(its almost midnight here) and I say you know me too well, last minute packing I'll go to bed in 10 minutes I promise. Then guess what he says?? Goodnight!(HOLY COW!!!) I say nighty night!

Anyways, I can't believe he said goodnight. So I'm off to bed.

So everyone say a prayer I sow some good emotional needs seeds on good ground tomorrow and I eventually get to reap reap reap!

I'll tell Mickey, Minnie and the gang that my Divorce Busters friends and support say "Hey Ya'll!"

Tune back in on Friday where our story begins again and with out commercial interruption...Hee Hee okay I'm tired.

[hope3343]

Need damage control.
I saw H outside at work today. Had conversation about work then D15 and so on. Was going fine till H says anything that I can do for D let me know. And then I wreck it by saying I wish you would come home and try. And of course a tear slips out. I am mad at myself. H of course says nothing because I think he is planning on going out with OW tonight because he mentioned he has not been out all week (yeah because he has been at my house) and was probably going to go out.
Then I get back to my desk and H calls me (this is difficult because we work together) and talks to me about a power cord he got so I could keep his. So I tell him sorry about outside and H says well I know you get emotional and all. And I say (train wreck), well I feel that we will never be able to get back on track because of your outside interests. Of course he says well that is what you think and I say well it just is not me it is with your girls also. As long as that is out there you are distracted from where you should be. aaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh
Should I just ignore this and carry on. I have been SO good about OW and today it was bad.

T2L, we are rooting for you. How could you not have a good time at Disney. Wonder what OW is doing...teehee. Make sure you take some pictures of the whole family so when/if you send a letter to OW you can include the happy pictures.

[TxMomw/2girls]

HOpe- do not worry about backsliding.... it is expected and I've done the same... every now and then we have to show we care I think ... feelings are better than anger or something.

T2L - thinking of you today.. I read in DR that we need to make small goals and chart them... him saying "goodnight" is huge so take note so you know that you are making progress... so hard with our H having OW in the picture i know but try try try to separate it when we can... work on why they left, or why they weren't fully happy and make the changes we can..

My H keeps talking to me like usual now that I'm being friendly -I wonder if I'm being too friendly and making it easy.. calls me yesterday to talk about his golf game for 15 mins then last night about his job ..... I wonder sometimes if he doesn't get this type of conversation with OW .... I think I need to detact a bit more

Not sure what I'm going to write in his b-day card.... I have a cake being delievered today ... it is in the shape of a Dallas Cowboy hat - we are huge Cowboy fans... he'll love it but he then has to take it with him to OW house b/c he isn't leaving until tomorrow morning out of town. Wonder what she'll think

more updates tonight depending what happens tomorrow... he is suppose to be looking at an apartment today.. finally get out of the OW house... what a joke!!!

God can deliever miracles so keep praying and he'll answer... believing is everything!!!!!

can't wait for more updates.... catching a flight in a few back on later when kids are down..

[hope3343]

Hi all, as I write this maybe T2L is on the jumbo ride!
TxMom, Sounds nice getting the cake and make sure H does take it with him. Like that. Maybe OW will throw it at him.
What to write on the card. I would not write the 4 letter word "love", Maybe, "wishing you much happiness and joy on this very special day with your girls", you do not have to specify "what girls". Nice enough tough and then step back
You seem to have the same situation as me. An H that has been coming/calling and acting like a friend.
I will take this as long as I can and try and be a "friend" back and meet those emotional needs. Once I feel that I am being used or start to resent the whole situation then I will have to go to Plan B. I am terrified but for now I take one day at a time.
Yes, God has a plan for us. God is working on my H because he hates divorce. for what I need to do is step back and work on myself and stand for my marriage. From these message boards I see it is possible. I pray for that for our marriages.

[TxMomw/2girls]

Ok H just left house ....

When I got home he was working in the office... I could tell he seemed depressed and I was actually in a great mood and had missed my girls... his cake got delivered to the house and I had him come in the kitchen ... when he opened the box he smiled from ear to ear and said.. how cool!!! (it was a dallas cowboy hat cake - just like one of the ones he wears all the time)

He then opened his cards and started making the crying face and teared up ( I gave him two ) I didn't write too much in them but I did say I hope he focuses on getting healthier and on the other one something about our marriage wasn't that bad we just didn't make it a priority the last two years (backslid) and I did sign one card " your family loves you" - now I wish I hadn't...

He opened his gifts which were picture of the girls and he started crying again, and the book I gave him... then he saw his watch that I had bought him a year ago (nice watch) but the battery had been out for months now and I got a new battery and he almost started crying again and teared up and then put the watch on....

Another thing I shouldn't have done is when he was crying or eyes watering up I hugged him and he hugged back ... gosh I think I had said - it will be ok... i love you... WHY did I say that ... b/c he was upset and I should have just let him feel and shouldn't have said a thing... AHHHH

but I was glad to get tears but when he left he just said thanks ... no hug and he said I'm sure I'll talk to you tomorrow but I'm not calling him on his b-day and I think if he calls I'm not talking or calling him back... I need to back up and detatch a bit... ???

WHY do I feel the need to still be so nice after all the pain and hell he has put me and our girls through... WHY??????

I'm glad I left him with a good note and something to think about on his 4 hour drive tomorrow... hate that he leaves our house and goes to OW house... OH he did look at an apt today and started to want to tell me about it and I said I would rather not talk about it today.. that I'm in a good mood and can we discuss it next week?

how bad did I do??? what is he thinking... what are the tears about.. he has been depressed all week turning 40 doesn't help.. how can he be with OW and fake it or put on a smile..

do I talk to him when he calls over the weekend or do I ignore??

[hope3343]

Txmom so you survived. Ok you had some slips but it was a tough day. Maybe to DB don't call him tomorrow since you celebrated today but send him a text message, saying Happy Birthday enjoy your day just to let him know you are thinking of him but not calling.
Your right about why do we have to be nice -- I feel like that many days but right now that is all we can do. What is the alternative, hating, hating ourselves and convincing ourselves we need to move on and regrets later. We decide when we have enough.
Hoping T2L is having a good day and it is going to "plan"
tomorrow is another day and with God's help we will do well

[JGrind]

Hello, sorry Ive been ellusive. I feel overwhelmed and confused lately, I cant really explain.

Hope3343, thanks for your concern and reply. I hope you and D are adjusting to H moving out, but sounds like he's still around on a regular basis. I still dont know how you do it. I have had no contact with H since Sat morning at ballfield. He came over to visit kids Wed afternoon. I made sure I was not present. Its harder when I see him or talk to him, plus I want so bad to give him a chance to really miss me. When this all came crashing down, H said he still wanted to be a "friend". He has been anything but. Oh yeah, did I mention? I was so relieved to have baseball season end - no longer would I have to look at that OW at the games. Well, basketball season is starting and half that baseball team will be playing basketball for my H this winter - including OW's son! My friends and even their H whose sons play ball for my H all say "what is he thinking!?!" I guess neither my H or OW have no shame. Oh well, at least they dont sell alcohol at basketball games.

marisol- I havent heard of reconciliation paperwork - explain little more ? Ive just been in limbo until I actually get served. I refuse to file and I will not pay for atty until that day comes, but it has been a month now since we sat and had a discussion about his atty consult and preliminaries on visitation and child support. How long does it take to serve the official papers? This is driving me crazy and Im afraid to ask H , b/c I dont want him to think Im pushing it.

GALing: continue to see my T - working on assertiveness training
go to personal trainer about 2x/week for strength training- wt lifting. LOVE IT! She wont let me kickbox or do any intense cardio, including running just yet. Must gain back more wt first. Im gonna look SO HOT!

really love the new church and so do twins. will take S14 for first time this Sun. Hope he likes it too - they have great teen group with worship on Sun eves just for the teens. Talking with pastor on regular basis. He called earlier this week to check on me and informed me a gentleman that I knew visited church last Sun (I was not there- working) He was concerned it might be OW's crazy H pursuing me again ( I had warned pastor about this ). He told me he met with this gentleman for lunch on Monday and told me his name. This guy's son plays ball for my H as well and is also going through D. This is not OW's H. He found out about this church though me and told pastor he was amazed how well I seemed to cope though my adversity and wondered if it must be God helping me though. He has been trying to find a church for himself and his children while he tries to cope though his D. He is really nice guy- we have not spoken alot , but at the same time, too much in common emotionally here. I gotta be careful.
But even before this revelation, I am starting to struggle with whether or not I even want my M anymore. I know my H frequently deserved better that what I had to offer. I guess being co-dependent exhausts you emotionally. Yet I frequently deserved better too, and I still do. I just cant put up with it anymore. Im feeling forced to choose : God or H? Ours was a mixed marriage - me the believer and my H the non- believer. I know God hates D , but were we ever REALLY married in God's eyes anyway?

Im so sorry girls to rain on the parade . You are all so strong , dont give up. Every one of our circumstances are just a little different although they seem alot alike. You're right Hope, only we can decide when enough is enough.

[hope3343]

shout to {{{{jgrind}}}}}
Yes, it is so overwhelming with all the issues on a everyday level. You have to deal with OW in your face, alcohol, and OW H. Not easy but you are handling it with dignity and strength. Love that you are seeing personal trainer to increase strength and assertive training. What doesn't kill us will make us strong.

We question ourselves every day. I know some days I just want to pick up a phone and file but then something has still held me back. We all know our own breaking point. You are not being judged here. We were semi-church goers (Catholic), but it seemed the past 6 months we did not go at all and then everything fell apart. I know if I get my marriage back on track if God is not part of it -- it will not thrive. The one session we had together with the MC I specifically said this but of course H was not interested in working on the marriage at all.

Keep your goal list together. I am going to buy a journal this weekend and write in it every night. I also keep a bible at my bed and try to read at least a few passages every night (something I have not done ever). My MC told me continue to work on yourself because God is working on your H. I need to let go and that is one of my biggest struggles right now.
I will say a prayer for you and your family. Sounds like you are on the right track with this church and it might be nice to have a new friend if he joins with his family. take care.

[marisol35]

Hi Everyone!!

T2L - We want to know how Disney went!!! Hope to hear from you soon.

TxMom - You are definitely on track....we all have setbacks but it makes us stronger to learn from them and know what to do next time! You did good by the cake and gifts. It seems as though the fog cleared for that moment in time and the emotions took over.

JGrind - I am in Arizona....I don't know if we are an at fault state. The paralegal I spoke with said I can submit a request for reconciliation which will then postpone the D proceedings for about 2 months, they will schedule a meeting with a mediator, and then at that time if he still wants to D then the process picks up where it left off. But since I was not served properly according to the law here I have just sat on the paperwork for the past month because I don't have the $$ to pay the paralegal to compose those documents. I hope to get that done next month. The time it takes to serve is the amount of time the atty takes to draw and submit those docs in court. For AZ you must be served by a process server, certified mail, or be present in front of a notary and sign the acceptance documents that coincide with the decree.

Hope - How have you been doing? How's your D? I hope she is doing ok.

Well tonight I will be alone for the first time. My D16 is staying at her girlfriends house. I don't have any plans as of yet. A friend here at work said she wanted me to meet her boyfriend's roommate but I don't know if she will be setting that up tonight or not. I did tell her I was free. If it doesn't work out I thought I would go to the bookstore then go see the Fireproof movie.

Every day I have been praying for God to show me the path he wants me to follow. My heart belongs to my H. Lately I have been thinking about all of the good things. Especially how I long for him just to be with me. Then my mind shows me all the pain and I get this feeling that if I let him back in I will start to fall back financially whereas now I am finally starting to see the light in things and starting to plan fun vacations with my D. I know that if he were to come back I will start to worry about money when now I'm not. Does that make sense? I have always been the bread winner in the family. I don't want him to come back for that. I want him to come back for me. He is unbelievably broke right now. I know that the OW paid for his car and some of his house bills. I have been getting this feeling that the spark is going out between them. I know she won't be paying for his bills for much longer. He won't have anywhere else to turn to but me. I don't want to be that for him. I just feel like I'm on that rollercoaster everyone talks about. Its a tug of war.....