GF, ST, Michelle, CW, Jak, Lacey - thank you all for visiting me!
Ankle is still kinda sore, but doing suprisingly well. All the walking at the track re-aggravated it a bit, but I don't even have to wear the splint anymore so that's good.
CW - I'm so glad Kristine "felt right" for you! Like I said.. it'll probably still be really painful (it's tough when one person wants the M and the other has their foot out the door), but I hope that it goes well for you! At very least you can see someone who you feel good about and you know someone who's had a good experience.
---------------- So... some journaling.
Yesterday was our 7th wedding anniversary. I was a little bit anxious. 2 years ago, the day after our 5th anniversary, was the first bomb. Last year things just didn't 'feel' right around that time, no official bomb yet but I knew it was coming. We didn't even acknowledge the day until that night when I said "Well, we survived another one." H said "What?" and I said "Anniversary." H just replied "Oh.. yeah." 2nd actual bomb was a week or so later.
Things FEEL better this year so I wasn't quite so nervous but at the same time I was kinda going.. do we acknowledge it? Do we not? I knew that H didn't remember it was coming up, particularly with all the race track excitement this weekend. I also knew that I was setting myself up to be disappointed by that. So I decided to remind him by saying on Sunday "Man, time flies - can't believe our anniversary is tomorrow already!" H replied "But it's not May" - I think I've mentioned before he's always made a much bigger deal about our first date anniversary than our wedding one. Then he said "OH! That's right, it's October already!" (with a big smile on his face... whew)
I decided to go ahead and get him a card but it was TOUGH shopping for one. Something all gushy didn't seem right but neither did something generic. I finally found one that had a cute picture on the front, and inside said "My favorite place in all the world is next to you."
We mostly ignore the whole sitch the last 2 years... little mentions of it here and there, but we tend to just not talk about it. I felt like now was a time to acknowledge it just a little. So I added to the note ".. and I am so very happy to be there." Then wrote something along the lines of "We've sure had our share of better and worse - I look forward to a future of lots more 'better.' I love you so much. (and PS, I'm so proud of you for following your racing dreams). And I enlarged/framed a couple pics of him racing, as a gift.
I also got some really pretty, luxurious new sheets... for a little surprise at bed time.
H got home from work with a few different flower varities and said "wait don't look yet! I have to arrange them still" and made me a beautiful flower arrangement. Then looked at the dining table and said "Hey.. did you get flowers alreaady?" I said "No, you're just so good at picking them out, that those are still the ones from my birthday and they still look good!" He grinned and put them in the living room instead, "so you can enjoy them even more." Awww.
I was sooo nervous when he read his card. He read it pretty slowly and I think maybe even a couple of times. Then he gave me a huge hug and kiss and then said "Me too" while pointing to what I wrote about the future 'better.' Then said "and thank you for the note about the racing, too.." then kinda trailed off. He actually seemed a little choked up (NEVER happens).
He then gave me a card, which meant a lot to me. During the bomb #1 convo he told me that part of why he "knew" it was over is that it was harder and harder to pick out a card for me every year, since he wasn't in love with me. This time, he got me a nice card, and his note said "Thanks for all your support. And thanks for always being there. I love you." I hugged him and thanked him. Then he pointed to the "being there" and then at my card and said "and that's what I meant.. being there even during the worse. You were always there. Thank you." Took everything I had not to cry! I teared up some and gave him a big hug and kiss.
Wow... it's like we were both on the same page but afraid to actually come out and say it. I'm sooo glad I decided to "go there" a little bit. It wasn't a big long talk about the past or anything, but it felt like a huge relief that we acknowledged it and are (both) looking towards a good future together. We've hinted at it, and I've felt it, but this just felt different - like a really deep connected moment and man was that nice.
Our tradition always used to be to go to dinner, or at least drinks, at the restaurant where he proposed to me. H asked if I wanted to go out to dinner and I said it sounded good, then hesitantly suggested that restaurant.. saying it was a beautiful night and it'd be nice to be outside by the river. H loved the idea and said "we haven't been there in awhile, that sounds great!" We both got pretty dressed up, H even kept staring at me. Felt good! Had a wonderful dinner and cruised around Old Sac for awhile, then headed for home.
H LOVED the new sheets... and of course we had to umm break them in. so he liked that part too!
Such a wonderful anniversary!! It felt SO good erase the bad memories and ENJOY October 6 again. And even better, to really connect with H.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
awe, that is so wonderful nik. And you know what, where you guys are at, you really don't need to talk talk about the last 2 years, he knows, and you know, and it sounds like you both told each other in a small way. I'm really glad to hear it, it is nice to finally really know things are for real, and I understand how you feel.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Well, I'd say that is B.S. Until the infidelity and hurt and pain is addressed, they will be barriers to a monogamous, passionate, supportive, authentic R. Swallow your pain at your own risk. And don't ask me to help when you gag.
Woah OT... were you replying to me or to someone else? I honestly don't get where the reaction is coming from (and usually I "get" you pretty well even if it hurts).
What am I missing?
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
PS - thanks ST and Michelle! Was nice to have such a good anniversary. More to come soon..
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Your anniversary sounds wonderful, truly. All sorts of loving things, all kinds of good signs, and lots of growth and more intimacy.
I don't really know what was up my butt when I wrote that last post, though I know what I was responding to in a rather very narrowly focused over-the-top way. It was this: "We mostly ignore the whole sitch the last 2 years..." and this: "And you know what, where you guys are at, you really don't need to talk talk about the last 2 years..."
So, let me rephrase in a more productive manner, lol...
Sometime, you really are going to have to get your needs met with respect to all the stuff that has happened or I think it will hurt you and your M down the road. But that doesn't mean that things aren't going in a great direction now. If you feel better waiting to address more of your needs with respect to healing until you feel stronger and more confident about the M, that probably makes good sense for you.
You'll know if/when you need to do something if you start feeling like you are martying yourself to keep your M stable or start feeling resentment from swallowing your feelings.
I am down to 2 jobs at work (from 3 that I was doing last week) so I actually have time to take a breath - whew! I am so glad for our nice anniversary because the rest of this week's been a mess! Still going good with H though.
OT - thank you for explaining more. I see what you mean, now. I should probably have clarified - yes we mostly ignore it right now, but I definitely don't feel like "bury it and pretend it never happened" works either.
I'm still at a point of figuring out what it will take to really heal, and what of that comes from me vs. what from H. Some things are obvious, like I need to feel like I can trust him. Obviously a big component of that is him being open/honest, etc. but some of that does come from me. He could be the most honest, trustworthy guy and I could still not trust him. I know there will be other things but that's the one that pops up the most in my head right now. And we're both moving that direction I think... probably the first step to getting to that stronger/more confident place you described.
That's a very good description of how to know if/when I need to do something - thank you! That's what I find myself wondering about a lot. When I bite my tongue sometimes is that because it's a good thing and I caught myself from saying something uncalled for, or is it because I'm swallowing feelings? Makes total sense that if I'm feeling resentment/martyr-like, that's when it needs to be addressed. (sometimes I'm proud of myself for biting my tongue when it's the right thing to do). Thanks again - I think I get it now.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
so he liked that part too!