Hey, Nut, bizarre, and Kerry. Yes, I'm doing better today than yesterday. I think it is a process.
I also had a GREAT call w/ Jody today and we went through some role plays in which she taught me how to end the calls w/ XW and move forward. I was trying to make things work w/ us and now that it's over, I needed to talk w/ Jody about how to act now. She's excellent and she gave me some great advice.
So, I'm better. XW did send a text today that was a bit rude in my book. She said, "the court documents stated you have to pay me my child support on the 1st of every month. Will you be bringing a check to me at the DMV?" (we have to sign over titles to the cars). A bit forward, eh? But I'm required to by law.
I asked for and got to the 15th b/c I don't have it right now, so there wouldn't be any good in writing a check, would there? So, I'll definitely NEVER look to skip this payment as I'd rather not pay the banks than to not pay to support my D. I know I can't control how or where she spends the money I send her, but I won't be a dead beat dad under any circumstance.
W then got on the phone w/ me when I was talking to D and did the "nice" thing and I just played along for a while. I didn't say much and mostly listened and let her talk. She loves to feel right. We discussed things about D, so it was appropriate. It ended and I'm fine w/it.
She did just now send me a text asking for me to bring her golf clubs to her on Saturday, which does miff me a little bit. I'm guessing her new BF must be a golfer and she never wanted to play w/ me. Also, she accused me of "golfing all the time" (Oh, I only wish it were true as I played roughly 10-12 rounds A YEAR!), so now it is ok to be w/ someone who likes to golf? Go figure.
Anyway, I'm still plugging along and my next task once my new budget is established is to figure out how in the world I'm going to find $9700 to finish off my legal bills. I guess he'll just have to wait in line w/ the rest of my creditors, eh? It's not like he gave me anything massive for my now close to $40K now did he?
Anyway, I'm signing off here and looking to catch up w/ everyone else before turning in for the night.
Talk to you soon and yes, I'm finding my strength again. I learned today how to handle the difficulties of my XW and the key is to be brief, don't engage her in talks and be consistent. I've written down the message and I'll carry it w/ me at all times until I have it memorized to use when she calls.
Met XW at the DMV today to get the old car into my name. I was polite, but really I still can't look her in the eye. I'm not mad at her, but I just can't look at her. It is kind of weird.
We talked about basic stuff, but no R stuff or her erupting into the blame game w/ me again.
Tonight she began to talk about how we need to be "flexible" w/ the schedule and then threw in "I'm not sure I'm comfortable w/ D being w/ you for 4 straight days." She threw out some alternatives to our agreed plan and I listened, but in the end I told her I have no desire to drop my four days in a row w/ D every other week.
XW's response was "you're not listening to my suggestion. Let me tell you again..." Well, I was completely listening, but since I didn't agree to drop my scheduled time w/ D and go for her "revised plan" she wasn't happy.
I'm so glad Jody and I role-played through this yesterday as I'm completely ready for this as my standard, company line is "this is the arrangement your L drew up and was signed by the judge. I think we should stick w/ it for at least a year and give it a chance to work."
I'm ready for that as well as for diffusing her anger w/ "look, I know you don't like me and don't want to be w/ me. You've made yourself very clear on this and that is ultimately why you wanted the D. So, is there anything else I can help you w/? If not, then I need to go."
Repeat these over, and over, and over again. She'll soon realize I won't allow her to get under my skin. It will also help me to stay calm and not get upset or baited to grab the rope.
Consistency w/ my boundaries. Repeat these over and over. Refuse to take the bait. Refuse to lose - myself. I've given enough and it is now time for me to look out for me.
As Nut said, she doesn't have to like me, but she has to respect me. I wish it could be different, but I'm done trying to make her happy. That officially became her job as of 2 pm on Monday, October 6, 2008.
If I don't stop grabbing the rope, I'm enabling her behavior. I'm allowing her to project her anger on to me as a means to justify her destroying our family. I'm giving her permission to deny and blame me instead of finding out the real reasons she's unhappy.
I've been an enabler. It is time for me to stop. I've officially put down the rope.
I know I'll slip up from time to time as I'm making a lifestyle adjustment, but I'm out. The game is over for me. I don't want to play in XW's world anymore. She's gone and stuck. I choose to go forward, grow, live, laugh, and learn.
Rob, When you feel yourself slipping, just remember, your agreement cost you $40,000 and months of anguish. There is no need to be "flexible". XW will just have to deal with the fact she no longer calls the shots. Use your energy to rebuild your life not deal with XW. The best thing you can do for D right now is make yourself whole and happy. You are so right, you are no longer responsible for XW's happiness!
You sound strong and full of conviction. I am not sure why you can not look her in the eye though. I am the complete opposite. I wonder if that is just anger. In my case, I do get a little angry at times when I think of how my W has acted in the last year and a half. For my D7 and for myself I have decided to work very hard at being her friend. I guess I have not put down the rope...that day will come.....
I've been an enabler. It is time for me to stop. I've officially put down the rope.
I know I'll slip up from time to time as I'm making a lifestyle adjustment, but I'm out. The game is over for me. I don't want to play in XW's world anymore. She's gone and stuck. I choose to go forward, grow, live, laugh, and learn.
Good for you.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
XW's response was "you're not listening to my suggestion. Let me tell you again..." Well, I was completely listening, but since I didn't agree to drop my scheduled time w/ D and go for her "revised plan" she wasn't happy.
Atta boy!
Originally Posted By: RefuseToLose
I know I'll slip up from time to time as I'm making a lifestyle adjustment, but I'm out. The game is over for me. I don't want to play in XW's world anymore. She's gone and stuck. I choose to go forward, grow, live, laugh, and learn.
Then she'll probably start pursuing you If that happens, run far away.
It is good to see you again. I hope you are doing well. I'm sorry I missed your phone call, but I'm glad you enjoyed the game.
You asked what you can do for me, just continue to be my friend and keep in contact. You were the one who first put your arm around me and I do miss your insight. I want to know how you are doing as well, so keep me posted here, on FB, e-mail, call, whatever, ok?
I hope you are progressing w/ your sitch. It sucks we have similar circumstances, but there is only so much we can do, so we have to make the best w/ what we do have.
I did feel myself slipping today as I was e-mailing basic information we have to clean up (the dogs, pensions, etc.) and I found myself stopping and saying "she doesn't need to know anything but the basic facts." So, I deleted stuff and sent her the bare bones edition.
That is a change for me.
As for her happiness, she still wants me to be the bad guy (read my update for today) and I'm dropping the rope. Period. I have to b/c it isn't worth it for me. I'm done.
If that happens, run far away.