This is all so very sad. I feel so bad for your daughter. She is so miserable inside. I think it is time to stop supporting your wife during these talks with your children.

When she played the martyr (It's not your dad. It was me!") you need to say it like is: "She is right, D11. It IS your mother that has given up on our marriage right now. I have not. There are things we can do to repair things, but your mother is choosing to stop trying." Don't tell her to stop saying that. It is true, and you need to acknowledge it. THe kids need to know that you both did NOT agree to separation. They need to know that it is NOT right.

The kids always blame themselves. SHe needs counseling, h4h.

She said: "Remember what we talked about yesterday? That I decided, but that it has helped you and your dad get closer. That your dad is taking care of himself? Having fun again? Someday your going to find out that when you have a boyfriend or are married, that it takes both to make it work. You can't force someone to do something they don't want." THis made me throw up inside of my mouth. YOu need to call her out on this. Say, "I became closer to my daughter NOT because you left us. I am taking care of myself just like any human being does. I am having fun again because I don't want to be an unhappy person. Yes, it takes BOTH to make it work. Your mother doesn't want to make it work."

I know you are trying to do what's best in front of the kids. But, she is spewing crap to them. You need to be the voice of reason and logic and truth. You don't need to say she cheated on you, but you need to say what is REALLY going on.


Your S14, he needs counseling, too.


You said: The wife then asks, "What would you want me to do? Move back home? That would be the answer?"

This is ridiculous to pose to her daughter. I would have been so pissed, h4h. YOu need to step in and say, "I will answer that. Our daughter can't make that decision. The answer, wife, is for you to try to keep our marriage. You have not done that yet. You have given up. That is the answer."


You said: She then asks D11, "What can I do? What do you want me to do? Do I need to work less? Spend more time here with ya'll? I work a little extra when I know you dad is picking ya'll up. 15 minutes extra adds up. I'm also trying to work something different. Like a different position maybe. I know ya'll have a hard time adjusting. Your dad and I are doing our best to share you. It seems like it is hard for ya'll a week at a time. I know ya'll miss the puppies, too. But going back and forth, like you don't have time to settle in."
D11 says, "I just don't want to even come home."
"What. You mean you don't want to be HERE?"
"I don't want either. I just want to be outside."

All of this.......You needed to explain your postion here, h4h. Your daughter needs to know that there is a solution but your wife is not choosing it. YOur daughter is feeling lost like things are all messed up and the world is just messed up when, in reality, it isn't.....your wife is the one messed up. You also needed to pipe in, "Wife, you can see how this is affecting D. Maybe you will reconsider repairing our marriage now and TRYING finally. It is worth the effort, don't you think? I think our daughter is worth the effort."

It's time to stop the blood pouring out of your lip. You need to start saying stuff.

You said: I begin to say that we need to get going. Gather things. After a while, the wife starts to say things like,
"Come on. Your dad is wanting to leave already." Like a little huffy that I want to leave.

YOu say, "Let's get this clear. I don't want to leave. I don't want our family apart. YOU want this. You can't have a pretend family and live separately."

The talk you had at home with D11. I would avoid this. She feels in the middle already. This doesn't help that. She is too little to be worrying about giving advice to adults. She has her own kid worries to deal with.

You love your wife. You are so hurt by what she is doing. Start telling her. You are still married. Don't "move on".