Hi again Tex, I think you are getting some really good responses here. To me, your W has created a little game where she gets what she wants, in the form of spark, effort, and male assertiveness, while maintaining the power in the relationship. It's a game of fantasy and control, and if you are okay playing it, then fine. But you are posting here because something is bugging you about this whole scenario, and it's good that you are allowing your inner voice to come out. I like the fact that you are wanting to make changes in this game...shows that your spirit is indeed alive and kicking, and maybe that is really what your W wants. My advice to you is to take it day to day, be honest with yourself about how you are feeling, and then find a way to bring more of the inner YOU into the "game."
FWIW, in all my readings about marriage, sex, and relationships, it seems like "healthy" sex has to do with making yourselves vulnerable to one another and exploring. Yet this kind of idea doesn't really spark me! Like your W, I do enjoy "playing" with the theme of control, and somehow I have decided that it's okay, as long as my H is okay with it too. Lately he is showing some really interesting mental flexibility, and we are having fun. The best thing I can offer you is to make it fun for yourself...challenge yourself to grow, not just go along with her agenda, and see what develops. There is no script for this, only trial and error, in a good way. She will grow too.
