I see what you are saying on the floor mop and salad dressing. I see your point. But I don't think either of them were real issues. The situation is similar to her belief that I was unfaithful. These delusions - I don't know a better word for it - these delusions all came about after she was afflicted, and I mean that most seriously, by severe guilt.
There is nothing to fix on my part with respect to being unfaithful to her. And likewise, I really do not think there is anything for me to fix on the mops or salad dressing. That might sound pigheaded, but I tried, I looked, and I just don't see it. Must I eat everything she eats? Must I do EXACTLY the same thing as her? These were things we talked about at the dinner table, once. Tiny things. These were not ongoing conflicts.
If we break up a marriage over mops - then it was not really much of a marriage, was it?
You asked, why would I even care? Well, it wasn't a big deal to me. I told you why I didn't like the mop - with the little babies crawling on the floor, the mop didn't clean as thoroughly as I could with my hands. But I didn't say anything or criticize or complain. I just cleaned the floor.
She had nothing to grasp at, so she used mops and salad dressing as the examples of how terrible I was.
It's not real. Seriously. I thought about it a long long time.
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You asked about her OM. The OM was my best friend. In some ways he was a lot like me - same height, similar build, similar coloring. (I am better looking). But he was also a lot different than me: He was a drunk, a stay-at-home-dad, a blow off and underachiever, and sort of a screw up. Like, he was always crashing cars, showing up late, getting drunk, breaking things. One time he crashed his car into my car. Idiot. It was in his driveway. I was watching thinking, "no, he must see the car there, right?" Boom. Crash. And he lied to his wife regularly. a screw up.
I say he was my best friend, but I did have a certain lack of respect for him. Not that I ever put him down, or insulted him. But I was careful around him. He teased my kids a little too much, I thought. I kick myself that I let him stay so close to my family. I knew he was dishonest - he habitually lied to his wife, about stuff that didn't warrant a lie. Lying to your life partner is never a good idea, but this guy lied about stuff that wasn't even *worth* lying about. He just couldn't stop. I'd ask him, why would you lie to her about that? No answer. I knew he was a drunk. But yet I didn't distance myself from him. Why? Character matters. Why did I not stand by my principles?
I say he was my best friend, but really it was "he was the person I spent the most time with, outside of my wife." I was friends with him because our families were friends, and I think that was true because my wife was friends with him. As stay-at-home parents, they spent a ton of time together. HE and I would go bike riding together, or do other guy stuff, and then the families would get together for dinner, or swimming, or a hike or whatever.
At the critical moment, the moment they crossed the Rubicon, they were both drunk. I was out of town on a business trip. He was despondent. He thought his wife was cheating on him, and as a way to get back at his wife, he made a pass at my wife. My wife is a sucker for people in need. I'm not excusing her - just explaining. He cried, wept at the thought that his wife was unfaithful to him. He kissed my wife, and then took her hand up the stairs into the bedroom. To comfort him (does this make sense?) she jumped in the sack with him. Well, after that first time, they both decided it was a good idea to screw each other when their spouses were not looking.
Excuse me while I throw up. . . . . ok, I'm back.
How do I know all this? In the early days, my wife actually communicated with me. She told me that physically, the sex stunk. He never could keep it up. Never once. I guess that is true in many affairs. I myself could not imagine!!!
So I think the appeal he had was the attention, yes. He gave her tons of attention, but it wasn't real. He had no job. All the time in the world to just plan dates in hotels, while I was at work. Come on. Life is not like that, unless you are independently wealthy. It was a fantasy for both of them.
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He is now divorced from his wife. He is still a screw up. No job. He seems to decline in intelligence as he goes along in life. Last I spoke to his wife, he had not seen his kids in 3 weeks. This was the stay-at-home dad, the daily caregiver. He just checked out of their lives. He got arrested a couple times for drunk driving, I heard he spent some time in jail.
A true prize.
This was the man my wife destroyed her marriage for.
Excuse me, I have to throw up again....
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Actually the affair was a symptom. It was also a cause of great distress for me, but it was first and foremost a symptom, that she just did not care about me. She didn't want to be married. She was checked out. It wasn't that the man was better than me. It was that he was different. He was not me. *Anyone* would have sufficed.
I was solidity, regular family life, doing homework with the kids, financial planning, mortgages and dental insurance. saving for college, laundry every day, boring boring boring. He was the guy with the pretend name (they invented names for each other, not pet names, just fake names). He was hotels in the middle of the day, champagne for breakfast. Sorry, I wasn't going to be able to compete with that. I had to go to work. I cannot drink champagne for breakfast.
I am not so bent about the affair any more. The affair is not the main issue, has not been for a long time. The issue is, she doesn't want to be married. She thinks she is better off without me.
This is the part I wish would hurry up and happen - life without me. Especially life without my money. So far she hasn't had that reality.
For a while she insisted that the kids were better off without me, too. I was abusive, you see, and so she wanted them to have no relationship with me at all. But that has faded. She sees that we have a great time together. She sees how stimulated they are when they return from a day with me. She sees.
Maybe one day she will change her mind about herself, too. and if that happens, maybe I will still be waiting for her. Maybe.
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Yes, you can change your name. I don't know how, but I know you can do it. Try fiddling with your profile.
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For visitation, we are nearing final agreement. I hate the fact that as a father I get "Visitation". As if I am not a parent at all. But that is the reality of divorce in my state. This is terribly unjust, but it is the way it works. I was there every day for 12 years, and now I have to ask to be able to "visit" them. I changed countless diapers, and I have no rights except those she grants to me.
Excuse me while I throw up one more time. . . .
I haven't given up any time with my kids. The good news is, they want more time with me. So I trust that whatever happens in the short term, in the long term, we'll be ok. I will have a great relationship with my kids.
