365 days of initiation...

[Kettricken]

Ok, Tex, I pulled some stuff out here:

She has been giving me feedback on every approach I have made... too wimpy... too friendly... too aggressive... not romantic enough... etc. It can be useful and at the same time crappy.-

she says I need to "man up" and that I "come to her like a little boy asking for a favor"

I think she just had to pick "some type of consequence" and that seemed like a good one to her...

she says she wants me to just take her sometimes, but everytime I try she says "stop being so agressive" - haven't figured that one out yet...

If I make a lame effort or do something she dislikes - she drops the hammer... she tells me in 5 words or less what she did not like about it and then I have to try again...

I really expected her to say "hit the couch" when I slipped in bed later - she didn't, however in the morning she said to me "guess you know you'll be sleeping on the couch tonight..." I just said "yeah, I figured you would say that" - she seemed pretty upbeat about the whole thing like it was just part of a game... she said I needed to "get my confidence back" - she's referring to the fact that the first few days of this challenge I was more manly - and now I'm getting lazy and wimpy again.

It certainly does sound like she wants more sex, and more aggressive or at least assertive sex. Excellent! But she can't let go of her grasp on your choke chain. Very bad. The woman you've described is not treating you like a lover or a wife; she is treating you like the naughty boy and casting herself as the disapproving mom who has to whip your sorry ass into shape. Read the above and tell me you can't see that.

I'm guessing it's the only way she knows, and this is a long-standing pattern in your relationship. A pity, because the more she continues to disrespect and emasculate you like this, the *less* likely it will be that she will be truly sexually attracted and/or satisfied by you.

From a woman's perspective, you do *her* no favors by letting her stage-manage your sexuality like this. If she gets you to act according to her script (another problem, but we'll leave that) of a sexually-potent man ... but in her heart she knows that she intimidated/forced/micromanaged you into it .... do you think she'll *really* be satisfied? I don't. I wouldn't.

Can you see the contradictions between what she says she wants and what she is treating you like?

I think the 365-days-of-initiation *could* be a great idea and lots of fun ... but where is your input??? She is judge, jury, and executioner, and you can't even *discuss* the matter. Does that sound to you like a relationship of adults or (again) a parent/child dynamic? And here you are *justifying* why discussing it really isn't that great of an idea? Come on, man. Is there no middle ground between zero discussion and picking a subject to death? Again, great game .... IF you both have input. As it stands, it just sounds like hoop-jumping. Seriously, you "had to" initiate even when she was on her period? Was there any chance at all of getting some oral action from her, or was just another hoop?

When I asked you why you would allow your wife to "send you to the corner" in the form of sleeping on the couch, you replied:

I guess it all depends on how you look at it - I could go with the earlier post and look at it from a positive side. Ultimately, my wife wants my ability to initiate to increase, she wants me to initiate in a more confident manner and ultimately for us to have more sex. Which is what I want too. Now, if there were no consequences... how would it work? She has told me before that I should feel free and confident to initiate sex anytime I want - do I? no... I always come up with 20 reasons why I will fail and then do nothing... then, after 2-3 weeks when I'm about to explode... I come up to her and say..."so, how would you like to retreat to the bedroom for some fun..." - yep, that's about all she gets...

Again, it sounds like she does have a legitimate grievance (possibly). Why have you not initiated more freely/confidently in the past? Regardless, I shake my head at the solution. If you think you should be initiating more/better/FITB, what is preventing you? You need a *consequence*???? You're a grown man, aren't you? Children need consequences .... dogs need consquences .... it's called "training". Are you a child or a dog to be trained by her? I'm just baffled by this. Do you really believe it, or are you making excuses for her?

Honestly, seriously ... it would never in a million years occur to me to treat my husband the way your wife is treating you. And even though he is a pussycat, he wouldn't put up with it for two seconds if I did. I wonder why you do.

I love your ideas for leveling the playing field by stating that if you're going to play her game, she's going to play yours ... she will have to accept, experiment, and discuss. THAT could be a giant leap forward toward a better sex life.

Mother-may-I ain't never gonna be.