I still believe in miracles

[istherehope]

Hi Pisces and JCJ,

Yeah the whole sitch is weird. On the one hand it feels like I am just back home again, and on the other there is this rule that I am not living there.

So last night I shut the laptop down and just turned off the lights to go to sleep. He got home at around 11 PM, came in the room, said hi, no hug or anything, and went upstairs to eat something. I had made dinner, no thank you or anything for this. I don't think I'll be trying that again.

He came to bed, made a few jokes and such, and then said "you wish you were hanging out with me". I just didn't say anything, then he said "fine we can cuddle", and he put his leg over me for about 2 minutes. I wanted to melt but didn't give in too much. Of course this led to ML, then afterwards we talked about completely non-R stuff. He wanted to talk about this TV show he loves, and we laughed about it for about 10 minutes. He asked me about Valencia, and I told him a few things. I'm stumped here as one of his issues has been that we weren't intimate, and didn't "talk about anything." I am trying to keep things light, but am concerned he will think there is no substance to our R now.

I wish I could just ask him what he is looking for, but I don't want another scary talk. OK and then he woke me up at 3 AM and there was another ML session. This morning when I left, he didn't use a nickname for me or anything. I kissed him on the head, and he asked me to text him when I got to the airport.

So, in DB terms, I avoided backslides, no R talk, no initiating affection, no pursuing, no getting overly excited by his advances, doing my 180s, i.e. doing chores around the house, and logging off of IM when it was clear he wanted to chat. However I am still not sure that I am giving H what he wants. I know it's not all about him, but it is very confusing to know that I am "on trial" in a way, and not know what for. I mean if he wanted more conversation or intimacy, that would be different to him wanting more physical affection, for example. I am hanging back so much that I am not sure if I am inadvertently making a mistake.

Oh, and he ignored the emotional parts of my email yesterday. Maybe that's for the best. I had just said that I wanted us to be more natural around each other, and that we would have to "take a leap of faith" regardless of the outcome. Maybe it's better he didn't respond to this.

I had a dream last night though where he wrote me a letter or email, saying he wanted us to move back in together, but that we needed Jody to help facilitate this.

OK I have to run to catch my plane now.

ITH