Met XW at the DMV today to get the old car into my name. I was polite, but really I still can't look her in the eye. I'm not mad at her, but I just can't look at her. It is kind of weird.
We talked about basic stuff, but no R stuff or her erupting into the blame game w/ me again.
Tonight she began to talk about how we need to be "flexible" w/ the schedule and then threw in "I'm not sure I'm comfortable w/ D being w/ you for 4 straight days." She threw out some alternatives to our agreed plan and I listened, but in the end I told her I have no desire to drop my four days in a row w/ D every other week.
XW's response was "you're not listening to my suggestion. Let me tell you again..." Well, I was completely listening, but since I didn't agree to drop my scheduled time w/ D and go for her "revised plan" she wasn't happy.
I'm so glad Jody and I role-played through this yesterday as I'm completely ready for this as my standard, company line is "this is the arrangement your L drew up and was signed by the judge. I think we should stick w/ it for at least a year and give it a chance to work."
I'm ready for that as well as for diffusing her anger w/ "look, I know you don't like me and don't want to be w/ me. You've made yourself very clear on this and that is ultimately why you wanted the D. So, is there anything else I can help you w/? If not, then I need to go."
Repeat these over, and over, and over again. She'll soon realize I won't allow her to get under my skin. It will also help me to stay calm and not get upset or baited to grab the rope.
Consistency w/ my boundaries. Repeat these over and over. Refuse to take the bait. Refuse to lose - myself. I've given enough and it is now time for me to look out for me.
As Nut said, she doesn't have to like me, but she has to respect me. I wish it could be different, but I'm done trying to make her happy. That officially became her job as of 2 pm on Monday, October 6, 2008.
If I don't stop grabbing the rope, I'm enabling her behavior. I'm allowing her to project her anger on to me as a means to justify her destroying our family. I'm giving her permission to deny and blame me instead of finding out the real reasons she's unhappy.
I've been an enabler. It is time for me to stop. I've officially put down the rope.
I know I'll slip up from time to time as I'm making a lifestyle adjustment, but I'm out. The game is over for me. I don't want to play in XW's world anymore. She's gone and stuck. I choose to go forward, grow, live, laugh, and learn.
