If your W thought of you as being controling in the past, it could be that in her new situation she is not confiding her real concerns to you about stuff in case that is seen as a weakness or passing back control. So while she is worried she cannot consider resuming the relationship. It maybe that as soon as she feels independent and is coping that she will be in a better position to look at you differently.
YES! I think this makes soooo much sense. I am really rooting for her to become independent and to feel empowered. I regret that she feels that she needs to be independent of me, but after thinking about it, I don't think she can come back to me unless and until she is independent and secure in herself. which is why I think her getting her own job, her own place, paying her bills, etc... is going to be really good for her. This is what I wanted 1 full year ago, and only now is it starting to happen.
I don't want it to "show her". There's no malice. It's the same as an 18 year old kid - I won't buy them a car because it is soooo much more valuable to them if they work on their own and buy one for themselves.
The thing that had me so dismayed was that she was wrestling me for the kids. She was pushing me out of the kids' lives, too. That part was horrible, really hurtful to me. I think she acted in fear.
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Did you always tell her she was lovely ? That you only had eyes for her?
Ha, never enough, in retrospect. But she knew I only had eyes for her. She told her BF that, repeatedly. She knew I was devoted to her. She knew I had no interest in other women. Well, she did know that, but at some point her "advisors and supporters" got her convinced that I was abusive, and since 95% of abusive men are unfaithful, it was obvious that I too, was having an affair. She actually accused me of this - in the movie of my life, it is the single most ludicrous scene. Her accusation was based on no evidence whatsoever, only on the views of her "advisors" who had never even met me. Besides which, it was 100% wrong.
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When she spoke no matter what you were doing -you answered her ?
Yes, I loved and respected her. Truly.
But she got to a point where she did not see it this way. She never raised it with me. She never said to me "you know, I feel like you don't pay attention to me." or "I feel like you don't give me enough credit and recognition." It came out only in her court filings, well after she filed for divorce. Keep in mind I had asked her repeatedly to give me something I should do, or stop doing, before she filed for divorce. We were in therapy and I was asking - give me one thing to work on. One specific thing. But there was never anything. Only after she made up her mind that the marriage was over, did she come out with all this stuff.
She said in her court filings, where she alleged I was abusive, that I dominated her. As examples, she said it was "my way or the highway, on everything from mops to salad dressing." .... I am not making this up. I don't even know how to respond to this. Remember this is the first I heard it - when it was filed in the court. She feels I rigidly "made the decision" on our household mop. Or our salad dressing. It's, honestly, just nutty.
She liked different salad dressing than I did. I didn't use the stuff she bought. End of story. Same with the mop. She bought one. I didn't use it. (I washed the floors by hand. When our babies were little, crawling around, I didn't think the mop did a good enough job). The end. We did not fight about the mop.
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The only thing I can figure is when she says she felt "dominated" it was really guilt. It came out only after the affair. She felt insufficient, like she screwed up, and her anger came out on me. In that state, when she looked backward at our life together - all she could see was black. Everything became sinister and negative. I mean, the mop?
---- Enough about that. I think you have good advice on whether I should find a girlfriend. Lots of people want me to "move on". But I don't know that I'm ready for that, or that it is the right thing, just now. She is only now getting her chance to be independent. I can wait. I expect I will be waiting well after we are divorced.
I'm not really happy about having zero sex life, though.
