Piecing (or so I want to believe)

[7 Year Itch]

Wow.... how totally strange that you all just posted. I just logged on for the first time in weeks, and thought I'd have to search FOREVER for my thread.

Well, there has been lots of stuff that has happened over the last month.

H and I have been doing lots of things with the girls as a family. Been having talks. And he is officially "trying" now. Although the biggest road block still exists. He doesn't love me or have "those" feelings. He wants to, but still states nothing is changing.

WE just went and saw the movie Fireproof (don't think I can link you but google it and watch the trailer.. I recommend this HIGHLY for everyone here). It was made by a church so if a strong Christian message is going to bother you, this won't be the movie for you, but honestly if people can look at the overall message it is TRULY an amazing film. Totally about saving your marriage. I asked H to see it with me, and he did. By the end we were both crying. We originally planned to talk about it right afterwards but decided we both needed time to process, so we talked the next night.

He stated the movie was good and really gives you a lot of motivation. So that was good.

HE moved out of his friends house just last weekend. So he is now only 15 minutes away instead of the Hour and 15 minutes he was spending driving back and forth. I was worried I'd see him less since he'd have less reason to visit here, but so far this week, it's been the same. He got a month to month lease, which I also am very happy about.

He has not commited to counseling together as of yet, but he has agreed to start seeing a counselor alone again. AND he took the recommendation of MY counselor, so I hope this one is MUCH better than our original lady who I felt did so much damage.

I cannot believe I've been at this 6 months now, and separated for 4 of it. I remember when I first found this place and I looked at peoples signatures and thought......." wow, how do they do it? I will NEVER be able to do this that long". But here I am.

Honestly, for 3 months all I heard was I don't love you and I never will again ,and I"m "filing next week". So while we have a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG road ahead, and I would not at all even call us piecing at this point, we HAVE made great strides so I'm trying to hang in one day at a time.

On top of it all, I got laid off from my job 2 days ago. Ironic since my H JUST rented an apt. and my income was a big reason he could finally do that. So now I"m in a HUGE job hunt again. I sort of melted down the other night to him about it, and he kept saying.. "we'll be fine. We'll work it out. Don't stress so much, you'll get another job etc.." Just to hear "we" again was nice.

I have no idea how this all will play out. And I'm so tired and just want it done. But at least I will have the solace of knowing that I really tried everything I could, and he actually DID finally give some kind of effort. I'll still be completely devastated if we divorce, but I won't have to wonder "what if".

So that's it for here. We were supposed to all go up to a National Park together as a family this Sunday to hear the Elk Bugle, but my D6 has to sing with her church choir on Sunday. We didn't originally know that, and it will take up too much of the morning to do the long drive. So we'll postpone it a week. I'm hoping after church (which he normally doesn't go to, but will to hear D6 sing this Sunday. Hope it's a GREAT sermon) we'll still do something as a family.

I hope to find time to catch up with you all very soon. I don't know why, but for awhile there I just got so overwhelmed with it all, I just had to take a step back. My marriage and it's breakdown has been my SOLE focus, and I think I just relized a month ago I needed to start getting my life back. Not closing the door at all, but just realizing that my minute by minute obsessing is not going to make it go any faster.

Thanks for thinking of me.
Chris