And again, sorry for the incessant journaling but I shut my laptop down to take a shower and do some things around the house. Opened it up for a minute while laying in bed--just wanted to look at something on iTunes, then was going to shut off wireless. Immediately H IMd me again "what are you doing?" This is SO odd, but here, in my own house, knowing I am going to see him soon, I am feeling incredibly detached instead of excited. In fact I am not interested in him contacting me at all. I don't feel like dealing with the drama, which is what I think I could get from him. I'm not really responding much to him, just answering questions directly. This is REALLY weird. I mean I still want him to come home and be normal H and say sorry that he's been acting this way etc., but it is now as-if I've hit a wall. I have spent the whole summer working on the R, and I don't regret this, but being in the house brings me back to reality. He is not living in reality still. His actions are so different to his words, but he does not see this. Anyway...am going to shut down the laptop now, and he can keep wondering what I'm doing for awhile.
I do promise to get back to all of your threads tomorrow. Sep--I did see you had a good time with your H :). I'm happy for you!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
It is really good but remember he seems to act different over IM and in real life. I'm not saying it isn't good but remember to keep DBing, don't let down your DBing guard! I think it is an excellent thing to keep him wondering - let him build up some anticipation but remember - no expectations.
Yeah the whole sitch is weird. On the one hand it feels like I am just back home again, and on the other there is this rule that I am not living there.
So last night I shut the laptop down and just turned off the lights to go to sleep. He got home at around 11 PM, came in the room, said hi, no hug or anything, and went upstairs to eat something. I had made dinner, no thank you or anything for this. I don't think I'll be trying that again.
He came to bed, made a few jokes and such, and then said "you wish you were hanging out with me". I just didn't say anything, then he said "fine we can cuddle", and he put his leg over me for about 2 minutes. I wanted to melt but didn't give in too much. Of course this led to ML, then afterwards we talked about completely non-R stuff. He wanted to talk about this TV show he loves, and we laughed about it for about 10 minutes. He asked me about Valencia, and I told him a few things. I'm stumped here as one of his issues has been that we weren't intimate, and didn't "talk about anything." I am trying to keep things light, but am concerned he will think there is no substance to our R now.
I wish I could just ask him what he is looking for, but I don't want another scary talk. OK and then he woke me up at 3 AM and there was another ML session. This morning when I left, he didn't use a nickname for me or anything. I kissed him on the head, and he asked me to text him when I got to the airport.
So, in DB terms, I avoided backslides, no R talk, no initiating affection, no pursuing, no getting overly excited by his advances, doing my 180s, i.e. doing chores around the house, and logging off of IM when it was clear he wanted to chat. However I am still not sure that I am giving H what he wants. I know it's not all about him, but it is very confusing to know that I am "on trial" in a way, and not know what for. I mean if he wanted more conversation or intimacy, that would be different to him wanting more physical affection, for example. I am hanging back so much that I am not sure if I am inadvertently making a mistake.
Oh, and he ignored the emotional parts of my email yesterday. Maybe that's for the best. I had just said that I wanted us to be more natural around each other, and that we would have to "take a leap of faith" regardless of the outcome. Maybe it's better he didn't respond to this.
I had a dream last night though where he wrote me a letter or email, saying he wanted us to move back in together, but that we needed Jody to help facilitate this.
OK I have to run to catch my plane now.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Just checking in on ya. I know it is confusing and hard to understand but you have come such a long way and while it hasn't always been fun times it will be worth it with or without your h. I think you just have to try and focus day by day with this man. As he seems to change his mind that often!
I know it is hard, that is my biggest struggle too. But we can do it! Have a safe flight!
Thanks. Yeah I can honestly say that I don't know where H's head is at at the moment.
At least we have some more nights lined up together. I will be there Monday (though not until 11 PM), and then again on Thursday for a few nights in a row.
This is going to be very interesting as I work to strike the balance between showing how we could have a good R, and giving space.
Ok off to catch my connecting flight now :).
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Grr not nice emails from him again. I reminded him that I was coming Monday, then Thursday and he responded that he was frustrated and confused and needs his own space.
So I said I didn't mind getting a hotel on Monday. I said that I apologized if I had been doing anything that was pressuring in any way, and that I hoped he'd tell me if I was doing something that made him feel uncomfortable/unhappy as that wasn't my intention at all.
I am confused. I really thought the nights I'd stayed were good, especially last night.
Ugh. Unsure of what to do next,
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
The reality is, they probably were good nights but the WAS finds that very difficult to cope with. Don't forget that they spend a lot of time re-writing history and being negative so when you show them things are/ can be different it confuses them and they pull back. Just go with his flow and grant him space if he asks for it (as you do already) and be happy and light in your tone.
It's been 2 hours now and he hasn't responded yet. I am worried about this. I hope he's calming down.
I guess when I get to work I'll see if he's online. I am not going to reach out about it again today, but I think if I don't hear back by tomorrow, I'll book a hotel in Dublin for Monday and forward him the booking and a brief email saying I wanted to give space so opted for the hotel.
I was thinking the same thing about rewritten history. He has also seemed to get angry when I react calmly to his spew. The email was spewish, and my response was kind without being overly emotional. I just would like for things not to be dramatic like this. I was trying to be respectful by reminding him of the dates. This is in general why I don't like to tell him my plans right now...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
OK, first it sounds like you did have a great night with him. Like Julia said, they seem to like to rewrite history so do not even let it phase you. I think you did and are doing a great job with giving him his space not being controlling and validating the nonesense!! It does get kind of hard to remain sain when there is no sanity around you!!! LoL.
