Frank, I agree w/ what Bill suggested. When my exH left, I took down (and out) all the pictures that had him in them. I did not throw any away; but, I did put them away. I told the kids they could have pictures of their dad in their bedrooms...that I knew that they still loved him. But, that I did not want reminders of him around the house. They were very understanding and, for the most part, they felt the same way. Like Bill said, one day the kids may want them and they can have them.
Now, we have pictures of our new family sitting around!
Your anger is there on the surface Frank, and you're going to have to deal with it at some point. We all HOPE that our spouse who wants free will get out in the real world and find it not so much to their liking. That's natural. But I see you slipping close to actually wanting to see her suffer. And while I understand where that's coming from, I hope you realize it's not a healthy place, and you need to deal with it and get down from that position.
I do agree with you, it's not a good place to be. I don't _want_ her to suffer. I think she is being financially foolish and is going to find herself in a bad place.
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Maybe what's happening is that you are finally moving to the place where you are ready to let your wife FEEL the repercussions of her choices.
Yes, the number one repercussion I'm wrestling with is moving myself to 'indifference' instead of 'friendly'. I hate myself for being friendly when I should be indifferent. She is just someone I HAVE to deal with, that I would rather NOT deal with.
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Maybe you are ready to stop the easy access to the house, under the guise of seeing the girls. Non-custodial parents typically do NOT have the option of seeing the kids in the custodial parents home. And I know you are not divorced, but you are separated.
Yeah, that's a tough one because I would rather she see them here so they don't have to go to where she is living and be exposed to OM loser.
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Channel this anger into positive, healthy choices for you. Begin to eliminate the things that bring constant reminders of the hurt she has caused, and begin to clean up your life of those reminders.
That's what I'm doing. Channeling it into positive steps.
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You ARE a good man. Unfortunately, like many of us, you wound up with a spouse who was not equally good.
Since my Dad died last week I've reconnected with my brother and sister from his second marriage.
Last time I saw either of them was probably 1984. I spoke with them on and off till about 10 years ago when I had my crash and withdrew from life. We were never very close.
Their lives turned out a lot different than me. I was blessed with the intellect and survivor skills I needed to achieve things in my life. They were more or less raised in a decent loving environment of 'the simple life'. But they've both had hard times, relationship issues and other things.
They've been really excited to talk to me. They see me as their Big Brother who can do no wrong. They know the kinds of things I've achieved in my life and it makes them proud. They're sad and hurt for what I'm going through and have both offered to be there for me if I need to talk, because they're family.
I never realized how much I missed them all these years. I barely know them yet they can call me and talk to me like we've always been family. This is what I needed right now, more than anything. Unconditional love.
I guess what I also realized is how much they needed me too. Not to take care of them but to help them sort out their lives from time to time with my wisdom of the years. I'm their strong big brother, and they're my unconditional loving siblings.
Our father hurt us all, I think we all need some healing. So we've promised each other to talk at least once a week.
frank...you're on your way. Reconnecting with family, I've found, is a sure sign of healing. In retrospect, I allowed my W to alienate me from them. But..it's beyond that. It shows that you are examining and reconnecting with YOU.
I'll again repeat what you have said to me over and over: "I think you're doin' allright".
As for the pix, the DB crap about keepin' them up on the wall..is great initially. Not now...especially after they've chosen to destroy that safe haven of marriage. I think all the advice you've gotten here is great: offer the girls to pick the ones they like and offer to either hang them on their walls or reframe them to stand on a desktop. Those you don't want, I'd offer to your W: "XXX...I'm changing and rehangin' some photos here in the house....I'll leave some in a box for you to look thru and you can decide if you want any of them."
Re: KerryK's comments.....I'm like him frank. This morning, I went to services with STBXW and kids...FOR THE KID'S. My W looked hot. Me: XXX...you look beautiful today. W: Thank you.
She'll be her cold/angry self as usual. I still prefer to stay to the high road..sorta like KerryK. I'd rather stay out of anger when possible...and still be a man to stay with my changes. I look now...observe....(remember that book stuff on how they do all that clothing and makeup stuff for us?). It's good practice for ME. I tell her...for me...not for DB'ing...even if she would arrest me at the first chance she'd get.
And..finally..hijacking..to theoden. I ask my kids how much do they think I love them. They hold their hands out as wide as they can and say "beyond the stars and moon." Well...I loved your last post, and, I respect you in similar fashion. If I get that job in Manhattan...you're on. If I don't, we'll grab a beer when the dust settles.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
fib what book says we do all the clothing and make up stuff for you guys...well it is true...so if she really did get all hot looking.....she did it hoping to affect you....that is so true...i cant even tell u the times I have tried to look good for my h, only to fell invisible...then i drive through the toll booth and the man says Hi beautiful and I think wow .....i feel like chopped liver..he has no idea how far that compliment went to make me feel like I am not invisible...anyway back to your wife women really want to be desirable to their man....
Had an interesting talk with W tonight. D17 got angry with her because she feels like she is 'in between us'. W wanted me to take her to counseling "If I had money". I do luckily and told her so.
Her example was that a few weeks ago when D17 was going on her day trip with W I called to see where she was and asked her if OM was going with them and he was there so she couldn't talk.
Afterwards I found out that she had told her mom she didn't want him going with them.
So, I told W that I did NOT want them around him, that they've been through enough.
She got angry and said "I know I need to make sure they don't cross paths! I try to do that but you made them come to see me the other day and he was there because (her friend that owns the house) had put together a 'feel better' night for her.
So, it was all my fault that they were exposed to OM.
Still, I find it interesting that she knows that what she's doing hurts them, yet she still does it.
You brought her girls to be with her when she was down physically. If she didn't want them around, she has a phone. All she has to do is pick it up and call you and tell you she has plans that night.
Even better is that I believe you're getting to the point where you won't feel the need to intervene on her behalf and send the girls her way. Seeing and spending time with the girls is HER issue now.
Time. It just takes time adjusting to the dynamics of a new relationship, this one of co-parenting rather than shared lives. It's hard sometimes to let go of the role that we once played in our former spouses life. It would have been natural before to encourage the girls to give their mother some attention when she was down physically, but it's not a role she wants you to play any more. Her choice.
I see you getting better Frank. Keep thinking and keep reminding yourself that there is a good life in front of both you and the girls. The future is not yet written. It will be penned by the enthusiasm and passion that we throw in to it.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Time. It just takes time adjusting to the dynamics of a new relationship, this one of co-parenting rather than shared lives. It's hard sometimes to let go of the role that we once played in our former spouses life. It would have been natural before to encourage the girls to give their mother some attention when she was down physically, but it's not a role she wants you to play any more. Her choice.
I see you getting better Frank. Keep thinking and keep reminding yourself that there is a good life in front of both you and the girls. The future is not yet written. It will be penned by the enthusiasm and passion that we throw in to it.
Yes, time and seeing her for who she is. A very messed up woman.
I was talking with her dad the other night and he says that her mantra is that she doesn't want to 'live with a drunk', it's not how SHE wants to live but it's how I want to live.
Except that it's not true. I was in a deep depression and now with the help of AD's and other stuff I've gotten a whole lot better.
She seems to think I wanted to be where I was at. No thought as to what she may have or may not have done to make a difference.
I'm responsible for my life from now on and I will make it better. I don't need her and right now I don't want her.
I spoke to D17 last night about W's comments and asked her if she wanted to see a counselor. She said no, she was fine. She had to work through some issues and W just pushed her buttons.
Basically she said that W's friend who she lives with talked to her the other day when she was visiting W, and said something like "I know this is hard but you'll get through it. And OM is such a nice man."
D17 said she thought she was out of line to talk to her like she knows how she's feeling, and she's pissed at her mom for having OM. She's also pissed that the friends D17, who she sees in school, knows all about her personal life now.
She told me that when W said something to her last night along the lines of "Well your dad said..." she lost it and told her she didn't want to hear anything about what we're saying to each other.
She also went on to describe OM as a 'acts like a little boy', 'seems gay', 'talks funny' and generally a loser. She called him a 'transition relationship'.
I promised her that I wouldn't ask her about anything in her mom's life any more. She was happy and we're all good now.
