First of all three things 1. sorry it took me so long to respond - as I said, a lot of these intimacy problems are because of our busy lifestyle 2. I am not a troll... 3. sorry this is going to be so long...
So, to make this quick I will cut and paste some of the questions and answer them... then I'll update you on where we are...
===========Diane74========== {Not only is it weird, it is very much unfair in my eyes. What exactly is the point of this, " game ? " What happens at the end of the year, and why was a year the magic number? And why is it that if you do it " wrong " per say do you have to sleep on the couch ??}
I have no idea why she picked 365...maybe because her birthday was coming up and she figured... well, I can try this and if things aren't better by my next birthday... and I did hear about the book where a coupled had sex every night for 365 days - this is definitely NOT what she is trying because there is NO WAY she is going to do that no matter how I ask.
{In my opinion, this won't work because eventually you will become very frustrated and its just an impossible demand. With no communication how on earth can you figure out what is right or wrong in " HER " eyes, and how can it progress?}
She has been giving me feedback on every approach I have made... too wimpy... too friendly... too aggressive... not romantic enough... etc. It can be useful and at the same time crappy. I must say it has taken some pressure off me knowing that I will be initiating each day. Now I don't sit on the bench saying "should I?" - "Is tonight the best night?" "maybe tomorrow is better" - now, it's pretty much EVERY DAY I initiate and I know she is not going to say "quit hounding me..." or "we just had sex" or "can't you see I'm stressed" - ETC...
========Strong&Alive========= {Yes, she is requiring that you initiate. Yes, she is resrving the right to turn you down (she always had this though). But that doesn't mean this isn't a genuine plan, nor that it won't work.
However, I see this as extremely positive. She is dissatisfied with the status quo and is on her own initiative giving both of you an opportunity:
(1) You to get more confident at initiation (and dare I say seduction) and take rejection less personally (a big problem for many men), knowing that you can start over the very next night.
(2) Her to own and contemplate and exercise her own sexuality as a woman - by ensuring that the thought of sex gets turned over every night. It may well remove the "When is he goimng to ask?" pressure.
(3) For both of you to have more sex than you have been having for a long time. It seems like her plan requires both of you to own and deal with your issues, and hopefully start meeting in the middle more often.
I am conscious that you have only given us limited information, but unless you are going to tell us that your wife is prone to manipulation, I would if I were you well anmd truly enter into the spirit.
Drop any resentments about the past, take your masculinity in one hand and a rose in the other, and step up to the plate.
I also suggest that you read some of the posts by Bagheera and DanceQueen, as these will give you some ideas about what your wife may have been feeling and her condition that you initiate in the right way (I suspect she is expecting confidence, seduction and passion).}
I think your answer is exactly correct. Some things she has mentioned in the past that confirm it is... - she wants me to initiate sex, not her - she says I never give her an opportunity to say no... (or yes) I just always assume the answer is no and don't act - she says I need to "man up" and that I "come to her like a little boy asking for a favor"
======Bagheera========
POSITIVE POINTS: all of your positive points were pretty much dead on...
NEGATIVE POINT: and...I agree with all your negative points too...
==========DanceQueen=========== {Wow...the only thing I don't get is why you have to sleep on the couch if she doesn't like the way you initiate?}
yes, let me give everyone some history on the couch... I can sleep anywhere... I can fall asleep in 30 seconds. If I have a cold I snore like a freight train. When this happens, she wakes me up and I go downstairs to sleep on the couch. It is actually very comfortable...and then I can sleep without her waking me or me waking her. I only sleep on the couch when I have a cold. I think she just had to pick "some type of consequence" and that seemed like a good one to her...
{But I do agree with the guys that she is actually WANTING more sex and is having a hard time with the way you are initiating.} I totally agree.
{I also have to wonder, why didn't you ask her DIRECTLY why she came up with this idea, where she heard about it, what HER goals are in doing it...etc. In other words, why are men so avoidant to having actual direct conversations in a case like this? (I know "why", but I am just asking to try to get you to think). I mean, she is likely full on prepared to tell you exactly why...as most women are usually holding back words at all times that they'd like to tell you....so why not just ask her?}
As I mentioned in my first post. The second she said it I immediately turned to her and said "wait, you mean that..." and she cut me off and said "I don't want to DISCUSS it... that's just what I want..." - she didn't cut me off to be rude, she cut me off for two reasons... (1) she is extremely uncomfortable talking about sex (2) I will tear her plan apart into extreme detail and take away the goal she has - which is for me to take it upon myself to initiate and make her want me... if I start asking questions it will turn into a legal document...okay, so let's see every night right? okay, and what if you have homework? check...okay what if the kids are busy? okay got it and what if one of us is sick... so on and so on until I have a 56 page rule book.
==========Burgbud========== {1. If you ever sleep on the couch because she made you after you didn't initiate right, then you deserve to sleep on the couch.} not sure how to answer that...
{2. Next time tell her you'll initiate if she can get you hard. If she doesn't, go to sleep. If she does, look at her like a ravenous wolf looks at a newborn fawn and tell her, "Now I'm going to f*ck you with this." Then do it.} she says she wants me to just take her sometimes, but everytime I try she says "stop being so agressive" - haven't figured that one out yet...
{3. Don't initiate when she tells you to or how she tells you to. Initiate when you want to and how you want to. If "how you want to" looks like this: "Honey, will you please have sex with me tonight?", then you have some self-work to do. Think about how you *really* want to initiate and do that.} I really have some self-work to do
======Puppy Dog Tails======== {SURELY this is a troll, or a joke???} no, not a troll... is HairDog still around - he was a main item on this board about two years ago... I tried to search for some of my old post under my old username (geekspeak) but could not find them.
{365, are you for real?? Even if there is some book written on this, your wife's punitive and belittling application of it is TOTALLY disrespectful, in my opinion. I would urge you to reconsider your approach.} I don't think her goal is to belittle, but it is very stressful at times...
=========Strong&Alive====== {And its only punitive and belittling if he lets himself be punished and belittled. I for one don't think Texas should ever sleep on the couch if rejected, and unless his wife is a disrespectful beeatch (in which case why would he want to have sex with her at all?), I don't think she would seriously expect him to either.} we shall see what happens tonight (more at the end)
And now for the update...
Well, it has been a very interesting experiment so far. I think the things I can say I am learning is that... - a successful relationship takes a lot of work - I am starting to think about how/when I will initiate a lot sooner in the day and planning a little more, so now it's not just a lame last minute session where I mumble... "so, would you wanna... you know... go upstairs..." Now, I'm forced to put a little more effort into it. - the rejections have pretty much matched my effort. If I make a big effort - she is happy - she still says no (she has been going through that time of the month) but, we go to bed happy with each other. If I make a lame effort or do something she dislikes - she drops the hammer... she tells me in 5 words or less what she did not like about it and then I have to try again... so far, I have not slept on the couch. We have been doing this for about 10 days now and I had sex the first night and nothing since (time of month issues). Will be interesting to see how it goes in the next few days. - last night was a mess... I had a very important deadline. My client was upset - project has been taking too long and I risk loosing them if I don't get the project done. So, me and the wife are getting along fine, I'm working on my project, visiting with her, but I just could not get in the mood to initiate. I'm saying to myself "this is stupid, I'm not even in the mood - I have this massive project - she has to get up early tomorrow for work - why should I have to do this big song and dance initiation when we're obviously not going to have sex... I'm too busy for this" - well, I tried some wimpy "let's just get this out of the way" and she sure didn't like that... I let her go to bed while I stayed up working on my project. I really expected her to say "hit the couch" when I slipped in bed later - she didn't, however in the morning she said to me "guess you know you'll be sleeping on the couch tonight..." I just said "yeah, I figured you would say that" - she seemed pretty upbeat about the whole thing like it was just part of a game... she said I needed to "get my confidence back" - she's referring to the fact that the first few days of this challenge I was more manly - and now I'm getting lazy and wimpy again.
So, tonight I may well be sleeping on the couch - but, before I do... I will definitely suggest she spend "some time on the couch" with me...
