There were some surprises, but, basically, she kept hoping for a miracle change of heart on her own part for the past several years and even up until a couple of months ago.
She's in a pickle she has both OM1 and OM2 who want to marry her and be with her forever. Then, the platonic crack head friend from early this year is making noises about moving back to CO and chasing after her because that's what he wants too.
Surprises, she was hoping that her saying that we are getting a divorce and she isn't changing her mind would be a hint to me to move on. I didn't get that from it. She is still carrying tons of anger and hurt around from things that I've done and it didn't take much at times to get her indignation up. I can see that third rail inside her that I dare not touch. She says she doesn't like who I've become in some ways. Mister lounge lizard. The guy who gets dressed up to go out and hit the bars. I don't quite know what to think of that one. Probably means that even still she prefers to see me as a powerless dork who could never leave her. I don't know.
She got a little indignant accusing me of having someone waiting in the wings. Sh*t, if that were only the case.
She was cautioning me to be careful to not get hurt, and that maybe the bar wasn't the place to meet someone. I told her I certainly wasn't planning on getting into a new relationship anytime soon. She said that maybe I needed to screw around for a while. I told her that was the idea. I mean, who knows what will transpire in real life, this was just a trial run, right? She told me to be careful and not break a bunch of hearts along the way. I told her at the end, with all the growing I've been doing, I feel like she's an older sister or something and I'm moving away from home. OK, only a little bit, but, married? We weren't married, we were playing around at married, 6 months ago, I was still trying to find my identity in taking something from her. My heart is broken and yet, it's like it's a glass coating around my real heart. It's my first breakup.
She didn't want to hurt me and was hoping that I wouldn't find out about her affairs and that we would just get divorced with no one the wiser. She feels that she is getting from them what she never got from me, appreciation and love and respect etc. I hope that she finds what she is looking for, God knows that I do still love her.
She has said and thought for several years that there might be too many hurts between us. What I always heard was that she might not be able to forgive and I kept trying.
We both tell the same story of trying so hard and loving so much and in the end, we were giving what we wanted, not what they needed. Neither of us saw the efforts being made by the other as trying to work on our marriage. Neither of us saw the pain and hurt we were causing.
We were two immature adults trying to make ourselves complete.
I don't hate her, I feel bad for her in a lot of ways. I wish that I could take her pain away from the things I did and how I treated her. I wish that I could fix things, I wish. I wish.
I'm churning now.
We will file the divorce tomorrow, together. Both of our hearts are breaking, but, we can't put it back together either. We both hung on so long the hurts are too great.
For all her pain, she has joy too.
For me, right now, it's just pain. I'm tough. I'll be OK.
