Another one bites the dust (2)

[Ready2Change]

...Ok, Mr Ready

Wow! what a question! From your statements, It looks like being his friend was working.

...to do a 180. I have done many variations. Here is a list:
1. I went from being needy to being independent.
2. I went from being depressed to happy.
3. I went from being angry at him to trying to be his friend
4. I dropped R talk
5. I GAL and worked on finding peace in my life
6. I lost sooooo much weight
6.1 felt confident in myself
7. send joking emails
7.1 teasing IM messages
7.2 thanking him for things he does


7. He seemed to enjoy my messages and would respond back with the same.

While I was emailing him, he was also initiating contact with me on a regular basis, yet wanted me to know that it was just as friends...please dont read anything into any of it.

These are all very attractive. I would keep them up.

8. I tell him about my life
9. I invite him for wine

You need to test and monitor results on things like this...Do more of what works, stop doing what doesn't work

...
I tell him he can not be in my house when I am in it
I shut him out of my life
going dark.
told him he was not my friend (after finding out he was still having sex with OW after lying to me about it).

It looks like you are setting boundaries based on him continuing R with OW. Only you can define where your boundaries are.

Let me ask a questions:

1) Can you be a friend to a man (example your brother) if he was sleeping with another woman. (I would guess the answer is YES). OK, can you get to a state of mind that H is more of a brother than your H (IE not needy at all). THIS is harder than H3LL, but that is where I am focused on getting to with W. I am increasing my female friend base. I will get to a point where I am treating W like the rest of the women. I have a handful of good friendship relationships with women.

...He has told me he can see the changes I have made for myself and is happy for me

Great!

...He would get angry at me when I was needy.

OK, keep focused on NOT BEING NEEDY. Put some needs on hold, get others met by other people. IE sex is on hold. Get hugs from friends. If you need to be touched, get a massage,haircut,nails done,etc

...He has told me he can see I am happy and is happy for me.
When I was acting like his friend he was joking with me and leaving me little gifts and sending me email. He would compliment me and thank me after I thanked him. His tone was much more open and appreciative.

Good! Keep the positive changes going....

...After I told him to leave me alone, he got angry at me and now really does not want to be around me.

Why tell him to leave you alone?? You say you want him back. Maybe your boundary is too far out??? Just asking.

...When R talk has come up he makes sure that I know that R is impossible, he loves me but is not in love with me and will never feel that way again. Wants me to always be in my life and feels connected to me, but nothing else (whatever that means). R talks only serve to hurt me.

Avoid R talk to protect yourself, but validate and empathize his feelings. THIS IS ALSO HARD, but will bring him closer. He will feel you understand HIS POV and that is attractive!

...He keeps suggesting books for me to read that can help me further my journey

Be appreciative. Keep reading and working on YOU.

...really pisses me off because I read the thngs I read to help me and now he is trying to prove he is better at it than me. Then walk the freakin walk instead of just talking the freakin talk!

DONT worry about HIM.....

...He has made so many compliments to me on my physical appearance. I know he thinks I look good.

Great! Focus on looking your best at all times. This will make you feel good, and build up you self esteme! If he wants to be with a good looking woman, he will be crazy for leaving you....

...He stopped saying anything to me when I asked for NC.

Sounds like the NC is not helping with your R goal. It may help you detach. Think about why you have this boundary and if it is set at the correct place.

...The thing is I used these as signs of hope that maybe he would see how wonderful I am and want to come back.

NO PRESSURE!!!! Just change to the woman you want to be....No intentions no expectations

.... When I was telling him about my life he was opening up some and telling me little tid bits about his. Not very often, but it would happen.

I would let his imagination run wild. GAL have fun and act as if around him...

...Plus he was always asking about how I was doing.

Great / terrific /things have never been better (in your body language, words and actions)

...Now that I have NC, it is very formal..."I hope you had a good evening. I'm going to go now." The way it should be for NC, but still I wonder if it is the right thing.....

Formal doesn't sound like it is working...

...When we were being friends, it seemed he would stay just a litte while longer to hang out and talk. He would have a glass of wine with me and he was relaxed.

sounds like this was working

... With my NC boundaries in place, at first he was hanging out some but now he bolts.

sounds like NC is not improving R

...I know people are prob going to say "Isnt that what you want?" Um, hello, no.

I WANT my M back.

...I WANT the H I used to have back.

He might never come back. You now see the REAL him.

...I did NC because he is still with OW, still having sex with her, still doing things with her that he should be doing with his wife while he is still married. It hurts to know that he is doing these things...

I can't imagine how this must hurt. You have placed your boundary to protect yourself. You can move this boundary as you become more detached and working toward friendship.

... He refuses to say she is a R. Has denied that from the beginning. Why? I don't get that!

He feels guilty

...thought that by going NC it would help me just let go because I lost hope. I dont want to lose hope,

I have faith that W will come back, but I am moving forward without expectations (One day at a time)

I don't want to be that poor soul whose heart is still bleeding while their ex is walking down the aile with the new wife.

This is why detachment is so important

...Most of the time I am strong and sure of my path.

Good. This helps YOU.

...I feel like why try and convience him I am the better catch? I know I am. If he cant see it then it is HIS loss and now I know so should move on to someone who will cherish me like I will cherish them.

No convincing him, you need to make real changes and draw him back. You will also draw other men's attention with the changes....practice on them but keep your boundaries...

...I have done ALOT of reading. And I mean ALOT...

keep it up! learn as much as you can right now...

...The thing that I keep seeing is that the majority of the time the ones who end up coming back together are the ones who WERE friends with the WAS

I would have to agree. be freindly but not needy. Set boundaries and keep them. Adjust when appropriate....

...I will stay with NC for at least 1 month for two reasons. Number one, Michelle says to wait a few weeks to see how a new behavior works on WAS before keeping it or changing it. Number two, and most important, because I know I need that time to heal from the damage he has caused with his continued lying and cheating. At the end of 1 month, I will see what is working for ME. Still

Sounds like you know what you plan on doing. You do not want to be around someone who lies.


Sorry it took so long to respond, but I am a DAM......

*HUGS*