Thanks Sandi, appreciate it. Yes the advice this week has been inspiring. I went back to my reflection of myself and saw some damge I was creating. If friends and family are going to talk about me to her I want it to be positive, he's happy, he's busy with projects, he just went to this party, or helped this person with that. Because, that is what is happening in my life. I went to see some very close friends last night. they are friends of my wife's also and have seen her socially every other week or so. They were asking me how I hav been doing. My response was , "Good, keeping busy with the house and the camp. It's tough being a single parent, but I am manging quite well. I have found myself spending too much time focusing on what and where and why about her, but enough about that, what have you two been up to?" and we spent a couple hours chatting, telling jokes and what not. She had gone through a bad divorce years ago so she understands my pain. they had seen our conflict also, the vicious circle as it is referred to. They were hoping I would call them as they are both of our friends and were hoping I wouldn't abandon them. They were great to spend time with. they would change the subject back to me every now and then, and thats what we would talk about, ME,not her, not our situation. They were very happy to hear I want her back. they understand my position, which is good. I will be doing some part time work for them this fall and winter which will help. They couldn't believe how good I looked. they were also impressed about the drinking, how I handle all my finances and how I am dealing with her. You know, everybody, I didn't realize how well I am handling this until last night. the book is helping, I am at the infidelity part, heart wrenching. Anyway, we are going to get together on a regular basis to just watch a movie or shoot the breeze every couple of weeks. They are going to come to my house to watch the football game sunday afternoon. We talked about my downtime this sunday. they asked if I was afraid to be alone, you know, thinking of her, your mind wandering, not really focusing on anything. i explained that I have been running myself into the ground with projects, not getting sleep, finance issues, groceries, making sur ethere is food in the house, is everyone happy, is everyone OK, is everyone safe, who do I need to touch base with and my job. I think I need a nap. Anyway, I told them I just need the alone time to read the sunday paper (haven't done that in over two years) , relax and watch football, really watch it, no interuptions, no crying, no worrying, just having the dayt to decompress. I am very much looking forward to it. Yes Sandi you are right, and everyone has said the same thing, slow down, before you have a heartattack. I am learning to. i am now writing down any signs i see, postive and negative. I am revieiwng what happended prior to these signs. My written out plan is out the window right now. Because we are physically seperated, I don't have to worry about dark, mostly. It is happening on its own. 180s are becoming basic nature which is good, again because it is the way I was so it hasn't been difficult. My friend Tom and I were talking when his wife went out last night. He made an observartion that I never thought about with regard to tuesday night. when I mentioned she was there and how I just went about my business of getting the pool down, he said, oh so you did just the opposite of what you normally did when you were home with her after work. I looked at him and thought for a second. He was right. It wasn't that I was avoiding her, it was the opposite (180). I always came home to her, kiss hello, have dinner, clean up after dinner, sit in front odf theTV, fall asleep or read. Couch potato University. Now I came home, got changed, started my dinner, sall talk for 5 minutes and into the project while it was light enough to do so. Finished dinner, cleaned up, backoutside to finish the job. Here I am asking everyone's impression and there it is, a perfect 180. Absolutely what she was not even considering. As he said, she probably figured you bustle around inside, sit in frnt of the tube and veg. But you didn't, must've blown her mind. Never even thought about it. See what I mean, the 180 are becoming my natural function now. My kids have been telling her for over a month that I am like a tornado when I get home, he is always busy with something. He gets dinner ready and while that is happeing he is fixing something, painting something, rearranging something, cleaning something. He doesn't sit and relax till about 8 everynight. I have to say, reflecting on that last night, that the few times she was over late enought o see me when I get home frm work, I was busy dealing with something after getting dinner started and general conversationwith the kids. I think reflecting on all this has made me feel better today. The reason, my 180s and my attitude are no longer an act. This is me, I am back, I am really back. It took a sit down conversation about me, just me, to see it. I am constantly woried about what she sees when she sees me, what I need to be doing if she is at my house and seeing me, but you know what, I don't think I need to anymore. I am me, I am what she had said I wasn't anymore. I shoudl thank her for shaking me awake. I really feel good right now, about me. You know this bb has been great, you all have been focusing on me, telling me to stop focusing on her and to focus on myself. I can't believe where I am at right now. It makes my eyes water to think about it. I will continue to not "try" to become the new me. I am the new me, the new and improved me, the lets get it done before we relax me. I gotta say, I can't beleve i couldn't see it. I just can't. Everyone tells me I'm different now, better than ever. Just words to me, until this reflection last night. It was funny that my friend would make that comment. But you know, I don't thinkj I would've thoguth about it that way. I thought mayb i had done it just so I wouldn't be around her, being dark. but I now know that wasn't the case. I worked on something I could deal with as opposed to sitting around hoping to deal with somethng I couldn't. Very eye opening and refreshing, don't you think? Anyway i am doing OK, didn't get the new job, bummer, but i have a stronger and better outlook today. I am really back, no acting, no bs, no subconscius behavior, it's me...Now, posiive imaging, nothng but projecting positive images....Man does this feel good..
Oh, and one more note for right now, thought of divorce is out of my head. I have pushed this idea of threatening her with that out the window. If I am truly back, then trust me, she sees it, she really sees it. And with holidays and other things coming up, it will be me taking charge of my being, it will be me making sure the holidys are the best they can be, it will be me making sure everyone is enjoying themselves and it will be me binding everythng together. I am that strong, that committed and that positive. Once her brakes are done, I'll finish my yard projects. have a potential buyer for my camper, could signal huge financial push for me. Just outstanding...My friends wife said to me last night as I was leaving, she's gotta be out there, you had your issues and depression, but , WOW, she doesn't know what she is missing now. I can't believe it, its like going back n time, your appearance, your attitude everything about you it is amazing. She doesn't go down that path often as she is a realist. But she says, she just can't get over my change. the last time they saw me was a little over three months ago. We were all out drinking, I was getting hammered, wife was gettng flirty and I was getting mean. They told another couple we were with that we make everyone uncomfortable when we dirnkl, they never know whats going to happen. sometimes we were all lovey dovey and other times we were pissng down each others back.
She wsays i can't believe how you are after 3 months, I said all this happened mostly in 1 month, the rest is because of who I had to become to survive, her response, Nice to know you didn't have to become someone we didn't know, you became someone we all knew already.
Well, I got to not my first positive sign to put into my journal. I had text my W about her car ins money. She didn't respond. She called my work and when they said i was out inthe factory she said she would call back later. I went out at lunch time to my truck to read my DR book. I resent the text. she called me back immediately. I had checked her account and she claims they screwed up her deposit and only put in $20 and gave her a check fo rthe rest. She wanted 20 to go to savings and the rest in checking. Why she explained this to me is anyone;'s guess, but she did. She told me she only made 400 over the last 2 weeks (paid bi-weekly). 260 has to go to her car payment, she ran out of gas last night and her car has only 10 in it since last night. she can only afford to give me half of the ins right now. I told her to get me 65 tomorrow and I will get the rest next pay check. It will cost her 60 to fill her car. mathematically, that is 395. She has 400. She doesn't get paid agian until two weeks from today, daughters b'day next week, surprise party for her dad, next week. She confieded in me that the bank should just take the car or she will have to declare bankruptcy. I have to talk to my lawyer, I don't think shge can, they will come after me. anyway, she says her girlfriend (friend of bothof ours) is here from AZ and tonight is her last night here. she wants to get together with my wife and a few other friends. She wanted to know if I could push her brakes off until tuesday night next week or if she could use my truck while I worked on her car. I said Tuesday is fine. She asked about her dad's party, if I knew anything and I said I hadn't heard anything concrete. I asked her how everything else is going and she said OK, didn't sound really happy. I said I had to go and she said Ok, I'll talk to you later. This is positive for this reason, no text. Texting is emotionless. she called and tried to get in touch with me. When I text her, I get text back, end of story. I didn't bend on the insurance. I am holding her to her payments. It is hard to hear about her financial hardships, but I have them too. We talked as we had in the past, calmly, not getting upset about money and she talked abotu this that and the other thing. It was nice. What I did prior to this, being dark all last week, leaving a dance she arrived at, being calm cool and collected around her Sunday and then being occupied Tuesday night and getting things done n front of her. MY putting myself first and being dark are showing me positive signs. wanted to share this with you all. Yes I know I am a far way from reconciliation and her coming home, but I am keeping track of what is working and what isn't. Hurray for me. I will keep you all posted. I am doing he rbrakes Tuesday night now. she asked if I could do them maybe Sunday, told her I was busy.
No d-bomb. I have taken it off my to do list. Awesome advice and even better self reflection last night. I feel great and I just posted my first positve sign that will go in my journal. She is calling me for advice and asking about things. This isn't the first time, but since reading the book, I am logging them and this is numero uno. My being dark, my attitude aover the weekend and Tuedasy night I believe are paying off. I am very happy right now and will continue to watch as I go.
Well, you sound terrific! I hope you will keep the PMA. I was wondering if you are going to have holiday plans set so that you'll be sure to be busy and involved with friends and family? Just my opinion, but I think she needs to miss you and what the two of you use to share during the holiday season.
Don't burn the candle at both ends, but do stay busy. Get enough sleeep and eat a good balanced diet. You are doing good.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yep, we have tentative plans, and yes they are all hoping we are together for hte holidays. If we are great, couldn't be happier, but if we are not, we have plans set for that. Holidays are going to be hard. Her grilfriend that she lives with told me at the end of august, that they are in my favor. finding out about her emotional meltdown on my anniversary didn't hurt either. I made it through without a tear. Lots of anger, resentment and harsh words, but no tears.
Sandi, this thing that happened today has me on cloud nine. I knwo, I know, don't get over excited as it says in the book. But when she has given me nothing in the past two months, to a conversation. not just a phone call but a conversation, like we used to have. She opened up and told me details of things, ask my advice talked about things bothering her like working for her car. This isn't a baby step to me, this is huge. I just finished my first journal entry, 3 pages long...Finished my taking down the swingset, scrapping the metal project tonight. Lawn is mowed, yard looks huge. My plans for the weekend are all set. People interested in purchasing my camp are driving 3 hours to see it. Yeah, I think that baby is sold. Close that chapter, and open a new one. yep, friend of mine has a cheap camper down at the camp ground and he wants to basically give it to me so I come back. How's that for a turn around. drove these people batty with my drunken drama for almost two years and now they are finding me a place so i stay. Oh yeah, I'm back, I 'm sooooooo back.....And It is all ove her friends network that I was with this couple Tom and Linda last night. apparently she was raving about me, my look, muy appearance my attitude how funny i was, just how good everything is, LD is getting by as a single parent, she must be nuts, oh my god...The whole shooting match. My emails were lit up today...Like I said, if she's gonna hear about me its gonna be how I great I am and how great I'm doing, purely positive imagine....Check back on me time to time sooner than later. finished the book, its a lot to take in so I will read my survining her midlife crisis again and then read DR again. My plasn is actually quite simple. More of the same I am doing right now. I will watch...I am looking forward to each day now, not worrying about them...They even noticed in work today my attitude difference. I am so glad i talked with my friends last night. I can't believe what I have done in 2 months...I never looked, always worried, heard the words and thought they were kind until he said, wow must've blown her mind that you were busy on thehouse again and not sitting around watching the tube. Worked around and went shopping for food. Crashed and finished DR around 8:30....Oh yeah, back, and ready to rumble....
Sandi, everyone, friends of hers especially that have spoken to me have made ther same comment about missing me and the great times, especially holidays. They tol me several weeks ago that the holidays will be in my favor in regards to getting her to come back or at least missing me. One of her friends had gone throught this and indicated that if i gave me time, did things to make everything about me and the house less stressful and with the holidays, that she most likely will want to go home. No signs of that yet, with the exception of my birthday greeting text and her falling apart monday on my anniversary. Again yesterday was monumental. I can't help talking about it to myself. It wasn't the topics, it wass the details. she was discussing her brakes, her car, her finances, how they screwed up her paycheck, her fathers party, our D b'day...You know what I mean. And no text. text and email are the reason we got this far I believe. No face to face communication, so no emotion about our issues. But now, she wants to talk on the phone. she talked to her mom last night and told her she talked to me and that I said her brtakes will be fine until tuesday and what not. Again, my plans are for the weekend and what needs to be done. I am excited about my weekend for the first time since this happened. I want more of the same from her. If the camper sells, I do have an obligation to help her, I believe, So I may pay her other car payment if it sells, in two weeks to catch her up a little, not totally, but some....If this postive signs continue. she throguh me a bone, I wil throw one back.
If you start jumping around like an excited chihuahua now she's likely to back off. Then you have to start all over and you know how hard that's going to be.
Keep up the good work.
You might "bust" this thing in record time but it's just too soon to tell.
Amy C - I don't want to hijack this thread. I've read alot of your posts under MLC resources.
You have some really good information there. I'm conflicted in my situation. From a moral perspective I realize that nothing in the scriptures holds me to standing for my R with the ExW. Legally of course we are divorced so there is no legal tie.
Still, there was 30 years....and whole lot of love there. There are also new developments concerning the OM.
I know you don't have a crystal ball but you are sharp. I feel the need to express a few things and get your opinion.
New thread or continue one of my old ones? I know you're busy. Up for it?
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
