Hi Baggy....I just wanted to chime in and lend my full AGREEMENT....
My fiance sort of IS like a porn star in his control of the final release. He tells me he worked hard on this process back when he was pretty young in his bad boy days, and he does have it perfected (and some of what he describes sounds just like some of the PE exercises and other exercises you have talked about).
However, like you are describing, his age has now come along and dictated that he does not have auto-erections any longer, or very rarely anyway.
When we first met, he explained this to me, confidently and assuredly...he has no feelings of being inadequate about this, because he knows it is a physical boundary his aging body is placing upon him...he knows it has nothing to do with his skills or prowess or his feelings for me.
So...he explained to me pretty much what you said here:
"I've never had any trouble taking the time and putting forth the effort necessary to bring my wife to full arousal and enjoyment -- I derive great pleasure from it....(snip)...I don't think it's too much to ask ...(snip)...that she start to put the same kind of effort into arousing and pleasing me that I've put into arousing and pleasing her for YEARS."
Obviously he was not explaining it as if we had a past together, but he was saying the same thing as you are saying...that he knows he is going to ENJOY and LOVE bringing my body up to the highest arousal state through a process of foreplay, caresses, connecting with each other....and that he has no shame in asking for the same effort and enjoyment from me toward his body and rising his arousal. Also, he loves the long arousal process because it forces more intimacy into the picture, and eventually, the intimacy is what actually causes the arousal...versus just physical or visual sensation, or just mental arousal, causing the erection (as it usually is for younger people).
He explained it so well, and then he had to teach me how to do it...because I literally didn't have enough actual experience to know what to do....also I hadn't had any new male lovers since I was very very young (when they all were walking hard-ons) and therefore, I was just simply naive to how everything works.
Luckily though, I didn't have a pre-conceived notion that it was "supposed to always be hard"...I was an eager and happy learner and didn't really stall our progress in this issue by my own feelings of "well if he's not like a rock he must not like me". Somehow, I had already at least read enough general sexual stuff, that I knew that if a man didn't have an erection, it didn't really mean that he didn't want you. In fact I think I had read an article telling women not to pressure a man in this situation, because it will make things worse. I could relate to that completely, due to what you said...if I am pressure to have an O, I am certainly NOT going to be able to have one. At the time I read the article however, I was and had been sexless for a very long time, so I just tucked the info away in my head somewhere.
So again...I just want to offer total agreement that for a man to take longer to "get there" is really no big deal, and can and SHOULD be a lot of fun to "get him there"...it creates closeness and intimacy and gives the woman's body time to heat up, too. Also, we can literally go for hours, because he can rise and lower depending on what we are doing at that moment...but we rarely have any trouble rising him back up again after the lowerings...its all good and fun.
One thing though he can't seem to handle is heat...if he gets too hot and has no way to cool down during sex, he will lose his erection and its very difficult or impossible to get it back. This is why we have a box air conditioner in our bedroom window year round. Hee hee!
