Digging in

[yenko69]

There is no more moving forward with her. As sad as it is her problems are greater then anything that I can do. I am not sure she will still seek the help she needs, I do hope so. Emotionally it rips my heart out, rationally I have to move on. It is an obstacle that is to high to climb at the moment.

[karen43]

There is no more moving forward with her. As sad as it is her problems are greater then anything that I can do. I am not sure she will still seek the help she needs, I do hope so. Emotionally it rips my heart out, rationally I have to move on. It is an obstacle that is to high to climb at the moment.

So a year is too long for you to wait? If the situation is reversed and the W was told to wait for you for a year, would you want her to do that? It's your decision of course. If she is confused, will she try no contact with OM? (I'm thinking that might help with her confusion.) Is she willing to try counseling for the next year if she knows that's a dealbreaker for you (if she won't)? Karen

[Babygirl]

oh wow, had to be hard for you yesterday! its sad when spouses need help, and cant seem to get it. hang in there, thinking of you!

[karen43]

There is no more moving forward with her. As sad as it is her problems are greater then anything that I can do. I am not sure she will still seek the help she needs, I do hope so. Emotionally it rips my heart out, rationally I have to move on. It is an obstacle that is to high to climb at the moment.

I'm sorry if I was rough on you yesterday. Just that if your W wants to work on the R, even if it takes a year or 2, should be something to consider I would think. But if she won't give up the OM and try counseling or anything that shows you she wants to work on the R, then I can see how you feel that way. I also think you might want to follow the DB 48-hour rule to consider what you want to do and make sure it's not just being upset or whatever that is leading your decision-making. Karen

[kat727]

I agree with Karen, you want to wait a couple of days and then re-examine everything. If she really stops seeing OM and consistently goes to C, do you see it having a chance? Of course if she isn't committed to doing any of that then I can see where you are. Marriage is about the good times and bad but I know it really does take two willing and trying participants. If you need or want to chat just holler.

kat

[yenko69]

Yesterday was out of frustration. I gave it more thought this morning. Decided on a new route. Detached but a little friendlier then completely shutting her out.

When I went over today to work my W was mad. I did not take D11 last night, which in retrospect I should have. She did start to calm down and was going to court with my SIL. I said we needed to talk when she got back.

When she got back I told her I agreed she needed her space to work on her own issues. That I was proud that she was going to get the help she needed. She was very polite and said she did need the space and she had a lot of issues in herself she needed to work out. She said that she did not want anyone in her life right now and needed to focus on her problems. She realizes more of her own problems and her problems in the M. She said sorry that she should have stayed in C five months ago and did things different. She said she still wanted a D, but its going to be put off getting filed until January due to taxes.

I said now we can work on our friendship more, of course her version and mine are different. She did say it may be possible to get back together once she got through some things. She still wanted to set up a separate e-mail account to see some of the articles I had been reading and newsletters I get. Even the ones on M and R. She wants to read some of the self-help books I have. She said thank you very much for understanding everything. Then she had to leave to go to Topeka to get her check and pick up some things. I told her I would stay and watch D11 after school until she got back.

As far as OM, they have been friends for a long time. She is not willing to give up the friendship right now. I don't have any leverage at the moment to do it so I have to get around it. He has not called the house much lately in the last week. Scumbag.

When she got home D11 and I were out back playing horseshoes. W did come back to watch and ask some questions about it. After we were done we talked a little about nothing important and left for training.

I did talk some with my MIL when I went down to see my niece. MIL had told W to stay out of a R right now and start to fix some of her issues. She also said she prayed every night we would get back together. MIL was going to try and get the W to the doctors to check her hormones. Apparently early menopause is common in her family. MIL said W was really pissed that OM came to SD17's birthday party drinking. W's dad is a recovered alcoholic and BIL is trying to recover. That and a couple other things that he has done. MIL also said W was mad one day and convinced I was seeing someone else. MIL told her, so you are. MIL is the type of person that will tell you her opinion and does not care if you want to hear it or not.

Whether we are going to stay together or not is not my focus right now. I will be fine either way. I just want to try and encourage her to read the right things and go to IC to fix her own problems.

[yenko69]

I'm sorry if I was rough on you yesterday.

Karen,

Don't worry about it. Made me think in a good way. Maybe the post yesterday was unclear. She did want to work on the R and then went to C. Then she did not want to work on the R.

[karen43]

Don't worry about it. Made me think in a good way. Maybe the post yesterday was unclear. She did want to work on the R and then went to C. Then she did not want to work on the R.

Oh, yeah, I didn't understand that. I thought she was confused but not wanting D or anything like that. I can see why you were so upset when she seemed to be emerging from the fog there for a while. I should have been more supportive of you and known there was more to it.

Your W just sounds like a confused, messed-up person and maybe she's a little affected by the hormones that she gets when still in contact with OM. Puppy knows all the technical stuff about that, but I've seen the addictive type behavior they have that really messes with their head.

I would LRT as much as possible. I like the way Kat told me I should treat H like the handyman and not do stuff for them that you wouldn't do for a handyman. For some reason, that really stuck with me. I think until your W gives up the OM completely she may stay confused. I'm sorry. ((((yenko))))

[Sugar and Spice]

Yenko their "confusion" is excruciating. I have so much sympathy for you on that note. My H is "confused" to the point of immobility. The fear of making a decision and it being the wrong one paralyzes them and when they have unresolved issues on top of the infidelity, that makes for a particularly nasty combination. My heart goes out to you, because I'm right there in purgatory with you.

[yenko69]

I had a weird dream this morning before I woke up. W and OM had just gotten M. I was driving my Chevelle back and forth and it had a problem. I was more worried about the car. I could care less about the M. Odd since today is our anniversary.

I had to drop some stuff off at the house this morning. W was asleep so I dropped it off and left. She called a couple hours later.

She asked when I was going to be out to drop the stuff off. I said I was there this morning and it was on the kitchen table. I told her I did not want to wake her up. She said she called because she was going to the store with SIL and did not want to miss me when I came over. I said I tried to make it over before D11 got on the bus but got tied up. I told her I figured she would still be awake.

She then asked if I was at work and I told her yes. She said that she thought I had the day off. I told her that since we were not going out I decided to go to work and save some vacation time. She asked how I was doing and I said fine. She said she was a little emotional due to the day. I told her I understood. She said she had a lot to do and would be staying busy. I told her that was a good idea.

Then there was a pause. I told her I had to go and would talk to her later. She said ok, ILY (caught herself at the end and gave a nervous giggle) and said have a nice day. I told her you to and hung up.

This morning the anniversary did not bother me. Just seemed like another day at work for me. I know the ILY was an off the cuff remark. I did not appreciate it and did not want to hear it like that. Everything caught up this afternoon for a couple hours. To much time by myself driving around the county. Then just went away. Wore me out though. Right now, I hope she does not bother me the rest of the night. Don't have the energy for her right now.