No, I don't smoke, and am not overweight. I do exercise regularly and eat in a relatively healthy manner (some improvement could be made there). The issue is partly mechanical (I'm 47 now, not 20), and partly psychological: (a) the nearly-instant, level 8-9, 'hyper-arousal' of my past is no longer there, and (b) neither my wife nor myself are used to this new mode, yet.
On the up side of this, I can now usually last as long as we like, and through as many positions / activities as we like. My control isn't perfect yet, but it's one heck of a lot better than it was in the past and continues to improve.
On the down side of this, my arousal cycle now more closely follows my wife's. The ramp-up (excitment phase) is more gradual and more controlled, and takes more time. But it gets there -- as long as I can relax and enjoy the ride, and don't feel pressured to "get there NOW, what's wrong with you!!" (pressure either from myself or her).
You wrote:
Originally Posted By: Jayce
Given my situation of an LD H, the lack of his "being happy to see me" without manual stimulation is not exactly reassuring even though I know its age more than anything. I keep thinking his brain's not into it since that's where the whole thing starts, right?
Yes, BUT having read Bernie Z's book, you should also understand that while (mental) sexual arousal and having an erection are linked, the two are not exactly synchronized and reflective of each other. One can easily have an erection without being sexually aroused, as every high-school boy can attest to ("Where the hell did THAT come from?!"). One can also be sexually aroused (mentally) and NOt have an erection, especially as one grows older.
There is some irony here. For nearly all of my adult life, I have been working with and catering to the fact that the female arousal cycle works differently from my own. I've never had any trouble taking the time and putting forth the effort necessary to bring my wife to full arousal and enjoyment -- I derive great pleasure from it. I don't expect her to be in a fully ballooned, level 6-7 arousal state (plateau phase) when I first reach between her legs, and I thoroughly enjoy getting her there from wherever she's starting.
And yet, I am expected to be in a fully erect, level 6-7 arousal state before she has even touched me: and if I'm not, she feels like there's either something wrong with me (physically or mentally) or something wrong with her. Jayce reflects this same attitude above.
What you ladies are doing, with your expectations and subsequent disappointment, is making the situation WORSE. If my wife starts to reach down and I'm not raging hard yet, I feel guilty about it, and I feel pressured to 'get it up' NOW. "What's wrong with me? Why isn't it behaving like it used to?" I don't want to disappoint her or make her feel insecure, either about me or her.
And as Bernie Z points out repeatedly: penises don't perform well under pressure.
The more I worry about it and the more she worries about it, the worse things become. And the next time we're about to make love, now I have a dose of performance anxiety in the back of my head, before things have even gotten started. The problem becomes self-perpetuating.
If my wife would instead take the situation in stride, and work with me to build and maintain my arousal (and erection) state, then we'd get past it and have fun. I don't think it's too much to ask that now that we're middle-aged, that she start to put the same kind of effort into arousing and pleasing me that I've put into arousing and pleasing her for YEARS. Neither one of our bodies are what they were when we were 20...so what! We adapt our tactics and techniques and keep sex enjoyable anyway!
If this were a female issue: if my wife was having trouble becoming aroused and reaching orgasm (and she sometimes does, actually), you'd be all over me about keeping the pressure off her to perform and giving her ample time and stimulation to become aroused and reach orgasm on her own terms (not mine).
But for the guys, the male mythos continues -- if you don't have a constant 'rod of steel' then something's wrong, and she shouldn't have to do anything about it. See? The Porn-Stars don't have any problems! (despite the fact that they're using penis pumps, fluffers behind the scenes, and probably pop Viagra like candy).
Alright -- end defensive rant. I feel better
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
