Thanks Sandi, appreciate it. Yes the advice this week has been inspiring. I went back to my reflection of myself and saw some damge I was creating. If friends and family are going to talk about me to her I want it to be positive, he's happy, he's busy with projects, he just went to this party, or helped this person with that. Because, that is what is happening in my life. I went to see some very close friends last night. they are friends of my wife's also and have seen her socially every other week or so. They were asking me how I hav been doing. My response was , "Good, keeping busy with the house and the camp. It's tough being a single parent, but I am manging quite well. I have found myself spending too much time focusing on what and where and why about her, but enough about that, what have you two been up to?" and we spent a couple hours chatting, telling jokes and what not. She had gone through a bad divorce years ago so she understands my pain. they had seen our conflict also, the vicious circle as it is referred to. They were hoping I would call them as they are both of our friends and were hoping I wouldn't abandon them. They were great to spend time with. they would change the subject back to me every now and then, and thats what we would talk about, ME,not her, not our situation. They were very happy to hear I want her back. they understand my position, which is good. I will be doing some part time work for them this fall and winter which will help. They couldn't believe how good I looked. they were also impressed about the drinking, how I handle all my finances and how I am dealing with her. You know, everybody, I didn't realize how well I am handling this until last night. the book is helping, I am at the infidelity part, heart wrenching. Anyway, we are going to get together on a regular basis to just watch a movie or shoot the breeze every couple of weeks. They are going to come to my house to watch the football game sunday afternoon. We talked about my downtime this sunday. they asked if I was afraid to be alone, you know, thinking of her, your mind wandering, not really focusing on anything. i explained that I have been running myself into the ground with projects, not getting sleep, finance issues, groceries, making sur ethere is food in the house, is everyone happy, is everyone OK, is everyone safe, who do I need to touch base with and my job. I think I need a nap. Anyway, I told them I just need the alone time to read the sunday paper (haven't done that in over two years) , relax and watch football, really watch it, no interuptions, no crying, no worrying, just having the dayt to decompress. I am very much looking forward to it. Yes Sandi you are right, and everyone has said the same thing, slow down, before you have a heartattack. I am learning to. i am now writing down any signs i see, postive and negative. I am revieiwng what happended prior to these signs. My written out plan is out the window right now. Because we are physically seperated, I don't have to worry about dark, mostly. It is happening on its own. 180s are becoming basic nature which is good, again because it is the way I was so it hasn't been difficult. My friend Tom and I were talking when his wife went out last night. He made an observartion that I never thought about with regard to tuesday night. when I mentioned she was there and how I just went about my business of getting the pool down, he said, oh so you did just the opposite of what you normally did when you were home with her after work. I looked at him and thought for a second. He was right. It wasn't that I was avoiding her, it was the opposite (180). I always came home to her, kiss hello, have dinner, clean up after dinner, sit in front odf theTV, fall asleep or read. Couch potato University. Now I came home, got changed, started my dinner, sall talk for 5 minutes and into the project while it was light enough to do so. Finished dinner, cleaned up, backoutside to finish the job. Here I am asking everyone's impression and there it is, a perfect 180. Absolutely what she was not even considering. As he said, she probably figured you bustle around inside, sit in frnt of the tube and veg. But you didn't, must've blown her mind. Never even thought about it. See what I mean, the 180 are becoming my natural function now. My kids have been telling her for over a month that I am like a tornado when I get home, he is always busy with something. He gets dinner ready and while that is happeing he is fixing something, painting something, rearranging something, cleaning something. He doesn't sit and relax till about 8 everynight. I have to say, reflecting on that last night, that the few times she was over late enought o see me when I get home frm work, I was busy dealing with something after getting dinner started and general conversationwith the kids. I think reflecting on all this has made me feel better today. The reason, my 180s and my attitude are no longer an act. This is me, I am back, I am really back. It took a sit down conversation about me, just me, to see it. I am constantly woried about what she sees when she sees me, what I need to be doing if she is at my house and seeing me, but you know what, I don't think I need to anymore. I am me, I am what she had said I wasn't anymore. I shoudl thank her for shaking me awake. I really feel good right now, about me. You know this bb has been great, you all have been focusing on me, telling me to stop focusing on her and to focus on myself. I can't believe where I am at right now. It makes my eyes water to think about it. I will continue to not "try" to become the new me. I am the new me, the new and improved me, the lets get it done before we relax me. I gotta say, I can't beleve i couldn't see it. I just can't. Everyone tells me I'm different now, better than ever. Just words to me, until this reflection last night. It was funny that my friend would make that comment. But you know, I don't thinkj I would've thoguth about it that way. I thought mayb i had done it just so I wouldn't be around her, being dark. but I now know that wasn't the case. I worked on something I could deal with as opposed to sitting around hoping to deal with somethng I couldn't. Very eye opening and refreshing, don't you think? Anyway i am doing OK, didn't get the new job, bummer, but i have a stronger and better outlook today. I am really back, no acting, no bs, no subconscius behavior, it's me...Now, posiive imaging, nothng but projecting positive images....Man does this feel good..
