Hmmm, I hadn't thought of it that way - you titling your thread to help other people. that's thoughtful of you!
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I do make sure I look good. I have always looked good. I think part of the problem was that she always felt overshadowed in the marriage. She felt I was better looking, she felt I was smarter, made more money out of school. Terrible self-esteem issues. When she became a mom she was very good with the kids, and I think that part really fulfilled her. But then the kids grew and didn't need so much care and that is when she just descended into the depths.
When I turned 39, I decided I didn't want to go quietly into middle age so I started working out more, riding my bike, lifting weights. I lost 20 lbs and got very fit. When she started her affair, I was looking good, in good shape, wearing new clothes. She was talking about getting a breast enhancement surgery at the time, and I thought "gee, that's pretty rash!" I loved her the way she was and didn't like the risk of surgery. She never got the durgery, but she continued to talk about getting "saggy" - that was the word she used to describe herself.
As she continued her affair, she would look at me and remark how good I looked. In retrospect, in my mind her comments are rueful, like "look at you and I am just my saggy self."
So the looking good part - I am not so sure that helps. I made it a point to wear after shave and hug the kids so that she smells me when they see her. That was always a thing when we were together - she could smell me on the kids.
In this situation I think what might help more is me getting a girlfriend. (Is this manipulative of me?) But so far my heart is not in it. It's been 18 months since she left our bed, and I am still waiting for her. It's not that I don't have chances or prospects. People are often asking to fix me up on a date. I've turned them down. I wonder if I should continue to do so.
