God give me the patience and the strength...7

[Dawn of Hope]

thanks DOH I printed out your post and I will try it.

I know what my real "fear" is. It's the fear of losing my H forever. But I think I am reaching the point of realizing that it may just happen and there really is not a damb thing I can do about it.

TOH,
It may just happen, but it won't happen in a vacuum, and yes there IS TOO something you can do about it.

Okay, so here's how this exercise works. You said your real fear is of losing your H forever. Now go deeper. What aspects of that possibility are you afraid of? Fear of...lack of companionship? lack of sex? lack of someone to share the work on the farm? lack of someone to help you raise children? lack of self-esteem? Lack of money?

Break down those fears. Keep going down to that core. Keep asking yourself, "And why would that be a problem? What am I REALLY afraid of here?" Let's say you are afraid of going broke without H (I know, that's not the main reason, but this is an example). Okay, you're afraid of going broke. And why would that be a problem? What are you really afraid of there? Suppose the answer is that the basis of the "broke" thing is that you are afraid of losing your home. Is that the bottom-line fear or is there something deeper? Why are you afraid of losing your home? Say it's because you are afraid of not being able to afford another place to live, and being homeless. And what do you fear most about that? Maybe it's because you wouldn't be able to protect your girls' safety as well. Is that the bottom line, or is there more behind that? For some people, that fear might be based on the experience of being molested as a child, perhaps. Keep going until you get to the bottom.

Does this make sense? I hope so. This will take wisdom and courage, but I think it will help you if you have the guts to go through it and out the other side. The next step after that is to find ways to deal with and soothe those core fears.

If your H decides to go through with D (which, quite frankly, I don't think he will if you can manage to just let him alone and avoid putting pressure on him), you will have to deal with all of these fears anyway. Why not do it now, when your overall fear has not come to pass, and figure out some alternate ways of dealing with those rock-bottom fears before they go on red alert? I think this will help you detach from your H's shenanigans, which is an ability you sorely need to develop, for YOUR benefit, IMHO. It will also help you be less needy, which can only be a positive thing, both for you and for your R. Basically, if you figure out a way to deal with these deep fears, it will help you, whether your H comes home, backs away, or keeps walking the fence for miles and miles.

I "want" to stay M. I "want" to share my life with H. I "want" to stay on this farm. But life doesnt always turn out the way we "want" it to. My life today really really s*cks. I can't continue living this way for ANY reason. It's time to make it stop. Accept what is. And find a way to make it better. For ME. and for MY GIRLS. H is not my problem anymore.

Sooo, here goes...

Of course you want those things. Most people here do too. You are going to have to revisit WHY you have been standing. I personally stand because I believe with all my heart that it is what God calls me to do. I do it regardless of the outcome. The outcome does not change what I believe I need to do.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent, as Eleanor Roosevelt so pithily said. Likewise, no one can make you file for D without your consent. If you don't want a D, don't file for one. It is that simple. If he had his heart set on a D, he would have filed, regardless of whatever nonsense he has thrown at you about taking up all the lawyers. That's ridiculous. If he wanted a D, he would move heaven and earth to get it. If you push him, you will shove him out of his inertia of the status quo, but in a direction YOU DON'T WANT. Your H may have a hard time getting in motion in any direction, but you will most likely get one of two different results, depending on your attitudes and behavior: If you want him to RUN out of your life, keep pushing him and putting pressure on him. If you want him to WALK slowly in your direction, give him something to look forward to whenever he is in touch with you--make that always a positive experience. It is drawing in rather than pushing, so it is going to be slower, but at least that will be in the right direction. I don't care how hard inertia grips him; if you make yourself and your home something good in his perspective, he will want to come home after a while.

This may be difficult, but I believe you can do it.

I hope this helps!
Peace,
Dawn