Another one bites the dust (2)

[No Longer BH]

Ok, Mr REady (or anyone else), here is a question (actually, many so be prepared). So we are suppose to do a 180. I have done many veriasions. Here is a list:

1. I went from being needy to being independant.

2. I went from being depressed to happy.

3. I went from being angery at him to trying to be his friend but then told him he was not my friend (after finding out he was still having sex with OW after lying to me about it).

4. I dropped R talk

5. I GAL and worked on finding peace in my life

6. I lost sooooo much weigth and for the first time felt confident in myself

7. I've done everything from send joking emails, teasing IM messages thanking him for things he does to going dark.

8. I tell him about my life, I shut him out of my life

9. I invite him for wine, I tell him he can not be in my house when I am in it


ONe extreme to another. This is what I have seen:

1. He has told me he can see the changes I have made for myself and is happy for me. He would get angry at me when I was needy.

2. He has told me he can see I am happy and is happy for me.

3. When I was acting like his friend he was joking with me and leaving me little gifts and sending me email. HE waould compliment me and thank me after I thanked him. His tone was much more open and appreciative. After I told him to leave me alone, he got angry at me and now really does not want to be around me.

4. WHen R talk has come up he makes sure that I know that R is impossible, he loves me but is not in love with me and will never feel that way again. Wants me to always be in my life and feels connected to me, but nothing else (whatever that means). R talks only serve to hurt me.

5. He seems happy that I have GAL, and at one point when he thought there might be a male friend involved said he was glad that I was moving on. Had a huge smile on his face. Never seemed bother by all of my comings and goings. Almosted seemed if he did not care one way or another. As far as me finding peace, he acts like it is a compitition. He wants to prove that he is more enlightend than me. He keeps suggesting books for me to read that can help me further my journey with meditation, mindfullness and serinity, has sent me email links on articles he has found, and the tone of his emails are all very "peaceful and hoping for my continued happiness." Yet, this is not his demenour when he is around me. It all feels so fake and like a one ups manship. Sometimes it really pisses me off because I read the thngs I read to help me and now he is trying to prove he is better at it than me. Then walk the freakin walk instead of just talking the freakin talk!

6. He has made so many compliments to me on my physical appearance. I know he thinks I look good. He stopped saying anything to me when I asked for NC.

7. He seemed to enjoy my messages and would respond back with the same. The thing is I used these as signs of hope that maybe he would see how wonderful I am and want to come back. While I was emailing him, he was also initiating contact with me on a regular basis, yet wanted me to know that it was just as friends...please dont read anything into any of it.

8. When I was telling him about my life he was opening up some and telling me little tid bits about his. Not very often, but it would happen. Plus he was alsways asking about how I was doing. Now that I have NC, it is very formal..."I hope you had a good evening. I'm going to go now." The way it should be for NC, but still I wonder if it is the right thing.....

9. When we were being friends, it seemed he would stay just a litte while longer to hang out and talk. He would have a glass of wine with me and he was relaxed. With my NC boundaries in place, at first he was hanging out some but now he bolts. I know people are prob going to say "Isnt that what you want?" Um, hello, no. I WANT my M back. I WANT the H I used to have back. But that is not what is. I did NC because he is still with OW, still having sex with her, still doing things with her that he should be doing with his wife while he is still married. It hurts to know that he is doing these things. He refuses to say she is a R. Has denied that from the begining. Why? I dont get that! I thought that by going NC it would help me just let go because I lost hope. I dont want to lose hope, but he kept telling me it was over. I dont want to be that poor soul whose heart is still bleeding while their ex is walking down the aile with the new wife. It would crush me. So I guess I just went into self protect mode to just try and get past it.

Most of the time I am strong and sure of my path. I feel like why try and convience him I am the better catch? I know I am. If he cant see it then it is HIS loss and now I know so should move on to someone who will cherish me like I will cherish them. But what if R#2 has a breakdown and I go through this crap all over again? These thoughts plague me. I want to fix what we had because what we had was so good before it broke. I just dont know which way has the better success rate.

TO be honest, I have done ALOT of reading. And I mean ALOT. The whole cake eating vs best friend approach is discussed on many other sites as well. The thing that I keep seeing is that the majority of the time the ones who end up coming back together are the ones who WERE friends with the WAS. Now, MANY have tried this only to dragged along for years without R. This is my fear. I could not endure that kind of pain. I have yet to see hardly any success with the NC policy. That tend to work on the WAH who are more manly and dont want anyone else to have what was once theirs. Of course I could be SO wrong here, it is just what I have found. This is not my WAH. He is more the intellectual type instead of the manly type. Has never, and I do mean never, been jelous of anyone with me. So, here I sit, thinking WAY too much, wondering if I am the one putting the finaly nail in my M coffin by demanding NC. He has such a low self esteem. He has no self worth. SHould I be trying to build him back up like OW did or should I just say forget it, Im worth more than how he has treated me???????


Again, these are just fears coming out at this moment. I will stay with NC for at least 1 month for two reasons. Number one, Michelle says to wait a few weeks to see how a new behavior works on WAS before keeping it or changing it. Number two, and most important, because I know I need that time to heal from the damage he has caused with his continued lying and cheating. At the end of 1 month, I will see what is working for ME. Still, I would like others opinion. Thanks