Jayce's thread

[Jayce]

Diane: WOOZERS-I like that word! Your ques about what else to do... I read back every so often, haven't kept a journal of all this & probably should have, but all these posts help me to realize what I'm thinking somethimes....do you ever go back & read all yours? Couple ideas..

Its just me, but if my H was gone so long & avoiding talking, I'd probably mail him one of the books. Maybe Mars/Venus for starters. He might read it being alone w/less embarrassment. Let him know you're still on track. Also, its just me, but it'd be a given that I get one call a day and maybe some emails. How the heck else to stay connected? H went on contract job 11 yrs ago to Atlanta. Boy, did we run up phone bills. Didn't have cells & he had no laptop. He came home one weekend in the 2 months. He missed me! (I posted on Bagheera about the passive-aggressive's conflicts).

About that fishing trip one weekend. What kind of work does he do? How far away is it? Does he drive or fly, stay in one place or move around? Do you know any of the people he works with? Is there a secretary, dispatcher, boss? How many of the 20 months are done? The Atlanta job was supposed to be 3 mo, not 2 & I was going to go down for a weekend between 2nd & 3rd months. With all you've gone thru (& my paranoia?? my assertiveness??) I might have gone to spend a weekend with him by now. And just maybe not let him know I was coming. Get to see him in his natural habitat so to speak. Invade his cave. Not to pressure for sex, just to send lots of messsages. I miss you, I mean business, I need to share your experiences, your life. I'm HERE, I'm not some imaginary woman 4 weeks out of five. I wonder what you do on weekends when you're by yourself. All of that.

For a guy who doesn't want intimacy, but presumably a family or the illusion of one, he's got it made. He gets to hide out but has a base to return to for short periods. Just enough to keep the illusion of a marriage. Have you guys ever gone on a vacation together? With or w/out kids? Have you done so since the 20 month gig began? By now you two barely know each other in a way.

Also, when you do get the rare & short call, why not regale him with cheery, happy stories about the cool stuff you've done lately and the new people you've met, who you had dinner with, what movies you saw w/kids or pals. Take away any notion he has of you "on ice" waiting for his return.

You get where I'm going.... check up on him, which I would feel to be justified given his neglect of you, and plant the seed that you're having a pretty good time & may not really need him around........ I know this sounds devious and not really in the spirit of mending, healing, doing 180's, working things out, etc. but a guy who avoids both intimate conversation and sex w/his wife & is gone for long periods of time, LD or not, is kinda suspect. And why facilitate his avoidance? So I check up & find he's a saint, so I feel a little guilty for not trusting him, but so what. He's not forthcoming & I need some peace of mind. Its how my mind works & yes, I'd do it. I'm one of those "Better to know for sure" people. I sent H flowers at work once for fun. He was embarrassed, but the women in the office thought it was sweet. It reminded them he had a loving wife, too! Me, subtle? Sure, sometimes LOL.

Meanwhile, don't quit your day job & start saving some $$ just in case. No LOL on that one. There are worse things than being a 2-time loser. No shame in admitting a mistake. Better than living with a mistake for years & years.