Work was slow as anything today, so I left a bit early and got to the kids school early in time to catch the last few minutes of my son's parent teacher conference. My W was there.
I'm planning on confronting her tomorrow about her affairs and everything that has been going on and with a petition for divorce for her to sign. I'm looking forward to this and I'm dreading it at the same time. I still regret that things have come to this point, but, I can't continue while she is busy off with someone else.
However, she asked me after the teacher conference what was wrong with me and then I took the kids to the book fair at the school and she came back to school to ask me what was up and what was wrong and then tonight when she called to talk to our oldest daughter, she wanted to know again, what was wrong and what is going on. Tonight, she said it was like I had just snorted a big fat line of cocaine. Never have, never will. So, however that makes you behave, I was.
I hated lying and saying that there was nothing going on and nothing that I needed to talk to her about. Tonight, I said that there were no problems that weren't also problems yesterday and the day before etc. A lie by omission.
I noticed that her overnight bag wasn't in the bathroom at her house when I went to pick up my oldest daughter and her bed had obviously not been slept in since yesterday. I don't know anyone who leaves the empty prescription bag and clothes on the bed as they sleep in it.
I hate hate hate hate this. She's familiar and since I decided to go down this path, I've mostly quit caring what she is doing and with whom and that has taken a lot of the stress off of things and thus things have seemed like when I was 4 states away for the new job. Things seem good. I have to consciously remember that she is screwing someone else and falling in love with him and smoking and in general not someone that I want to be with.
I can't believe I'm doing this, but, I can't stand limbo. I feel like the attention I get going out on the weekend has replaced the pittance of love and affection and attention I used to get from my W. I don't want a little survival level of love and appreciation and joy. I want a universe full of joy and love and happiness.
So, tomorrow, I will leave early and go to a friend's house and eventually print out the divorce petition and then call my wife around 1130 and ask her to get ready for work and then to meet me at the house. I will make her a margarita, have my manilla envelope of "proof" and hopefully have a conversation filled with honesty and closure.
Cheers 