You are right. He gripes about bossy often, but only if it involves something that threatens his ...what?...emotional status quo. The way he usually interacts. Which is, to put it mildly, counterproductive in any situation involving dependence or intimacy, and always involves underlying anger. Just anger. Not at anyone in particular or me, that's just how he expresses it. Its where the "I hate you, no I don't hate" you stuff comes from. Paradoxically, he often askes me what I think he should do.

I haven't done any research on passive-aggressive personality disorder in years. I've pretty much figured out ways to deal with it, sometimes almost reflexively. This whole colossal goat f*** however, has sent me off the deep end & I've not even thought about it. As if I've made the effort to do so on all the regular stuff, but this is the, well, the mule/board thing. Especially the part where he was ready to chuck the whole sex life thing without telling me, hiding, ignoring the whole thing. This has been like the cartoons where the coyote puts on the brakes with lots of screeching and dust clouds just before the edge of the cliff.

P-A's fear being close or dependent but they need to be. Often when they get close to someone they'll immediately wreck it to avoid abandonment. Withholding and being obstructive are other behaviors. I know he sometimes withholds sex as a weapon of sorts & will often initiate later, on his timetable, control. He rarely tells me what he wants cuz then I could withhold it to hurt him. Its how his mind works. He's had years to learn I don't think that way & have never done that, rather I'll come thru on the B-day gifts, etc. Fear of abandonment is why he got worried about it when I stopped talking even tho he told me to. I've never left him either. This summary is the tip of the iceberg. There are P-A's who are not as bad as he is and some who are way worse.

Anyway, even w/out me remembering to strategize before I flipped out months ago, we've come a long way. I mentioned that compared to me he had a pretty chaotic childhood. Of course I've started reading to catch up.....the anger comes, among other things, from some perceived abandonment in childhood, and possibly conflict among parents, siblings. He doesn't share memories much, but he did tell me his parents split when he was 4. It happened during a big fight on Thanksgiving. She wouldn't let his dad see him after that. He didn't really know his dad till he was 15 & a much older bro. who was able to defy their mom by that time, took him to visit often. (this bro went into military when H was 6, another abandonment) His dad died when H was about 23, I think.

I'd love for him to get therapy for this, but characteristic of a P-A he'd probably either not go or waste a lot of time obstructing what the therapist tried to do. Its gotta be a rotten way to live your life, but its his decision. I don't care as long as it doesn't wreck mine.

Its been a very long time since he's been able to run me up and down the trees like this. I'm disgusted with myself for not realizing it sooner. A good deal of the time & in most instances he's OK and is a rational adult. Other times, he's still the little kid pushing to see how far he can go before...what? daddy leaves? Its telling that he & both brothers moved away from their home town to live. His relatives used to joke(?)make comments about them wanting to get away from their mother. And those were the relatives on her side of the family.

Those same relatives got tired of doing her running and putting up w/demands, so she moved to an assisted living near our home when he was 48 or 49. I thought he'd go nuts. He was still afraid of her tirades, so he'd end up doing what she wanted. (Still fear of rejection?) Maybe I've answered ques. #2-his emotional need is not to be alone or abandoned. Would be nice if he could realize he's not & he hasn't .
J


me: 66
H:60
2 adult sons
2 grandsons
adult daughter deceased 5/05
me:Part time trainer
H: plant suprv.