1.) He always made decisions unilaterally. I'd follow. 2.) He made the plans. I'd follow. 3.) At times, he would do a 180 and expect me to lead. He'd be iritated with me because I'd be thrown off and I didn't assert myself to pick up his slack. 4.) If I initiated plans at the wrong time, he would act angry because he didn't want to lose control, especially on his day off. 5.) Often, when he didn't have his way, he would pout, be quiet. Guilt was probably involved. 6.) I became paralyzed . . . not knowing to wait for him or intiate plans. Often when I expected him to plan, it would leave me waiting, becoming upset when he didn't make plans for us. (I wished I made plans for myself, at least) I set myself up for disappointment when there weren't plans because I didn't make plans for myself. He never told me when he needed me to lead. I never asked. 7.) Ocassionaly, when I acted independent, sure of myself and definite, he seemed to respond to it positively. 8.) He often voiced that he felt the weight of the world on his shoulders. I felt like I was a part of the burden. Maybe he felt responsible to complete all my social happiness. 9.) Because I got caught waiting for him to lead, I got lost in waiting. Instead of doing something different by building my own social life, I did nothing. 10.) Maybe he'd respect seeing me busy with my own life and not waiting for him. I WANT TO BE INTERESTING ENOUGH FOR HIM TO WANT TO BE WITH ME.
Doing something different or doing the unexpected is my weak muscle. I hope that one day it will strengthen.
